Suicide By Coffee

OPEN PHOTOSHOOT: Yoga For Life

2011-10-18T12:45:00.010+08:00

Dearest Family and Friends,

Yoga for Life is the non-profit organization that a friend and I started in June 2010 to provide yoga and meditation sessions to people who are affected by HIV and AIDS. The are 7 new HIV infections in the Philippines every day, mostly among young people. We have more that 300 members so far, a mix of people who are infected and those who are not, but choose to support and advocate against the further spread of HIV through education, awareness and addressing stigma and discrimination. We recently conducted an independent evaluation of our program and learned how the Yoga for Life community has become a crucial refuge and support group for many people. Many also attested to experiencing deeper inner peace and happiness through yoga

We currently provide 3 yoga classes every week in Ortigas, Makati and Quezon City. Classes are for free and are taught by the best yoga teachers in Manila who support and volunteer their time. We ask for a donation of P200/class. Everyone is welcome, whatever your HIV status, we don't ask because it doesn't matter.

To support our yoga classes and HIV awareness campaigns, we are conducting an important fundraising event. We are holding a PHOTO SHOOT with photographer Noel Abelardo on October 22 and 29. For a donation of P1000, you can get 2 professionally-shot and edited photos, a special t-shirt, and be part of a broader HIV campaign for World AIDS Day in December. For the first 50 registrants, they also get the chance to win a 3-hour PRIVATE photo shoot with Noel and can do it alone or with others.

It's for a really good cause! We hope that you can support! For those who can't physically attend the photo shoot but still want to contribute, we happily accept donations as well. Please visit www.yogaforlife.ph for details on how to participate and/or donate (we can issue official receipts).

Please resend to your friends and family! We would greatly appreciate it! See you there!

Charmaine Cu-Unjieng, co-founder Yoga For Life

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush:It May Be Easier

2011-09-19T11:02:00.001+08:00

In the sea of people around me, I sit here pondering the eternal question, “why the F am I still alone?” And yet, as I look around, I can’t help but wonder if they’re happy too? Or are they just riding the waves of life praying that it wouldn’t be as hard. Are they pretending to be content on the one person sitting beside them? Every smile, every laughter, every kiss, every look in their eyes tell me that they are. And yet, I still consider them lucky—well, luckier than me at least.

Most people depend not on food, water, oxygen, or even faith to survive but on love. What if you shape your life around it? When you mold your stories to understand its complexities. When you surround yourself to depend on it. When you succumb to its immense power. When nothing but love gives you the energy and will to keep moving on life’s difficulties. What happens when you lose it? Love is much like dying. Only difference is dying has an end, while losing love can seemingly go on forever.

People chose to be alone because it’s easier. It’s easier to be alone than to depend on someone, build your life with someone, care and love someone only to wake up one morning and realize, as hard it was for you to find and hold on to it (love), it is gone. But I’d rather much be in love than be alone. I’d rather have the quarrels, the shouting, the paranoia, the endless worrying and the endless caring, unbelievable moments of sweetness, the feeling of someone needing and wanting you more than you could imagine. I would rather have that than walk into an empty house, travel on countries, walk stretches of beaches, and sit on a packed café or bar amidst families, lovers, and friends alone. I’d rather make love with a partner than have meaningless sex with a stranger.

And yes it may be easier to be alone…

But you’d be crazy to want it.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Sa Lungot at Pangarap

2011-08-29T18:28:00.000+08:00

May lungkot na mararanasan mo na parang hindi mo kakayanin. Parang mahirap huminga. Parang nakakatakot. Parang masakit. Para kang mawawala sa sarili. At may lungkot na, malungkot ka dahil hindi mo matanggap na nagiisa ka sa panahon ng buhay mo na akala mo kaya mo ng hindi.

Minsan iniisip mo kung baket? Nagtatanong ka sa mundo kung may pagugukulang ka ba. Pero ang sagot sa tanong mo’y mailap. Hindi lang talaga para sa iyo. Marahil hindi mo pa nahahanap. Maari din namang nahanap mo na pero pinakawalan mo. O, pwede din namang mas maige na magisa ka kaysa masaktan ka lang. Handa naman akong masaktang muli. Pero yun ay kung mamahalin din ako ng tunay. Saan nga ba mahahanap ang tunay na kaligayahan? Sa ibang tao ba? Sa mga bagay na nais mong makamtan? Sa tagumpay na iyong inaasam? Sa pera? Sa Diyos? Sa pagtanggap sa iyong saraling hanggang ganito na lang ang buhay mo? Maraming pwedeng pagmulan ang ligaya. Maraming paraan na ikaw ay pwedeng sumaya. Pero mas madalas ang may mga pagkakataon na kahit ang pagtanggap sa mga bagay bagay ay hindi sapat. Kagaya ng magmahal ka sa isang tao na hindi kailan man kaya kang mahalin.

Sa buhay may lungkot na sana hindi mo na lang naramdaman. Tulad ng pagmahal mo sa isang taong malayo. O sa taong mahalin mo na may iba ng mahal. O kahit ang pagmamahal sa isang taong hindi nya alam na mahal mo siya at duwag ka na sabihin ang tunay mong nararamdaman sa pagaakalang mawawala siya sa iyo.

May lungkot na nakaka-baliw. Minsan yun ang nararamdaman ko. Minsan nagiisip akong hindi na lang ito ang ganitong buhay na pinili ko. Sana iba na lang. Sana normal. Sana masaya. Sana totoo.

Puro sana.

Puro pangarap.

Puro kabiguan lang.

Sa buhay ng tao may lungkot na mararanasan. Ang tanog: kaya mo ba itong labanan?

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Tuldok

2011-08-13T19:02:00.001+08:00

Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon kayang mong maghintay sa taong inakala mong iba sa lahat ng iyong nakilala. May mga panahon na nauubos din ang pasensha mo sa pagaakalang matutupad ang mga pangako niya. Sabi nga ni Bob Ong, ““Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa.” Madaling sabihin di ba? Lalo na kung hindi naman ikaw ang nasa sitwasyon. Pero tama, isang malaking katangahan ang pananatili sa isang relasyon na isinulat lang sa tubig. Malungkot di ba? Pero di ba’t mas malungkot ang manatili pa sa isang relasyon na wala naman kasiguraduhan. Mas malungkot mag celebrate ng monthsary mag-isa --- na tanging ikaw lang ang nakakaalala. Ikaw lang ang umaasa. Ikaw lang ang bumabati. Ikaw lang sumuslat. Habang siya, hindi mo alam kung buhay pa.

Hindi ba’t lahat naman tayo nangarap na maging masaya araw-araw? Na ang bawat mulat ng mata mo sa umaga kasabay din ng ngiti ng iyong labi dahil may isang taong sa iyo nagpaligaya. Pero mahirap hanapin ang tunay na ligaya sa isang tao. Hindi lahat ng makikilala mo makakasundo mo din at di lang yun, yung mamahalin ka din kagaya ng pagmamahal mo din sa kanya. Naka ilang relasyon ka na ba? Ilan na ang mga taong nagsabing iniibig ka nila? Pero di ba ngayon magisa ka pa din? Minsan di mo mapigil ang sarili mong mag tanong kung ikaw ba ang may kasalanan ng paghihiwalay nyo. Pilit mong inuulit-ulit sa utak mo king may dapat ka bang ginawa para hindi iyon magtapos. Tapos, pag lubog na ang mata mo, puti na ang buhok, namayat na sa kakaisip, at muntik ng mabaliw sa kakatanong, wala ka pa ding mahanap na matinong sagot. Ang saya di ba? Ikaw na ang nagmahal pero ikaw pa din ang nahihirapan.

Hindi maganadang isipin na malas ka sa pagibig. Sabi nga ng matatanda, wag daw ito hingin at baka lalong hindi ibigay. Pero kung tutuusin, wala ka naman talagang choice kung hindi ang magantay lang. Ke-umasa ka o hindi, magaantay ka lang. Tapos kung saka-sakaling dumating nga, paano mo masasabing siya na ang panghabang buhay. Hindi ba’t wala naman din talagang kasiguraduhan sa buhay. Kung yung mga magasawa nga ng sampung taon naghihiwalay din, ano pa ba ang laban ng apat na buwan.

Marapat na bigyan mo din ang sarili mo ng pagkakataong lumigaya. Kahit pa sa piling ito ng iba. Magbakasakali sa taong pwede ka ding mahalin. Yung taong magsasabi sa iyo na hindi ka nya sasaktan, ke-totoo o hindi, ang importante sinabi. Binigyan ka ng kahit onting kasiguraduhan. Onting pagasa na sa bilyong-bilyong tao sa mundo, may isang pwede kang ipaglaban.

Gusto ko ding sumaya, hindi naman masama yun di ba?

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Walking

2011-06-09T22:12:00.001+08:00

It has been more than a week since I last received a message from him and to think that in four days it will supposedly be our 2^nd month. I had a dream about him last night. A dream that woke me up in the verge of tears. I felt sad. Sad that after all these years of finally being together it all crumbled in the span of weeks. He told me that he’s in a major rabbit hole and he couldn’t find his way back. At that point, I wanted to give up and say my goodbye but I didn’t have the heart or the courage to do it. I’m a hopeless-romantic that way, or for a lack of better word, a coward. I loved him and maybe I still do. I just don’t know at this point.

I’ve asked some of his friends for his number but they seem to be ignoring all my messages too. S*cks really! I’ve been thinking about him the whole day, viewing his FB from time to time and checking my email every so often hoping that he’d have some explanation for his coldness and disappearance.

I hate this feeling. Left hanging. Like I didn’t have a choice.

Chasing pavements was never my thing but here I am still walking.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: I am Noel and I'm in Love (Finally)

2011-04-15T15:17:00.005+08:00

It's not everyday you meet someone who could somehow, out of no where just change your world. It's true what they say that "love comes when you least expect it."

What started out as a friendly exchange of comments on Facebook turned out to be more than what I bargained for. I've known him for about 4 years now. He was a friend of a friend. But even then we had very few interactions. I was too busy being in love with my ex (his friend) then that I failed to notice people around me. For those of you who know me, you know that I'm not exactly mind over heart. More often that not, I get so in love that I forget to even think. I am after all, still a hopeless romantic to the core. But then a few weeks earlier I started to notice he'd comment on my pictures and statuses more often than usual and so I thought, hey here's a chance to be a little flirty. He was after all, cute.

I sent him a message telling him to SMS me. He told me that they don't usually SMS there. I joked. Asking which planet he came from where SMS is not a staple serving of everyday life. I guess it was only here in the Philippines (being the "text capital" of the world) that we SMS more than we sleep or eat --- combined. He told me he was in Japan. I forgot he had been there for the longest time although I really didn't know why. He later on told me that he's been there for 3 years because he's trying to get a resident visa. To date, I still don't get why people wanting to live elsewhere has to stay in that country for exactly 5 years. Why not 3 or better yet 2 years? Is 5 years the minimum test whether or not that country drove you insane and you'd want to go back? For me, it's shorter. Wayyyyy shorter! Anyway, a few more messages after, we crossed the flirting-to-actual-attraction line. I was beginning to understand how sweet and how intelligent this person was. Two qualities I give very high regard.Days passed and emails/FB messages just simply didn't do us justice anymore. We had to Skype. Video calling and all that jazz. I remember seeing him on video for the first time and having this "kilig"moment and instantly I knew I'm into a heap of trouble.

When I appeared on DZMM Teleradyo he was among a few of my friends who watched / listened in to my guesting. I was there to promote SOLACE. My open photoshoot for the benefit of my friend who's undergoing a battle with Breast Cancer. If you want to know more about this project and how you could help, please click on this link. He stayed up late just to listen in and the whole time sending mr words of encouragement and sweet reminders. "That's it!," I told myself. "I'm hooked!". Nevertheless, I knew he wad in Japan and it would take another 2 years for him to go back to the Philippines and so I figured I wanted to keep it light and casual. Or so I thought. A few more days later he popped the question. Not THE question but a question. He said he wanted to pursue whatever it is he was feeling for me and I... I was a bit hesitant. I've never been into a long distance relationship and this just scared the bejesus out of me. I really didn't know how or if it'll work. I was walking blindly on a very unknown path. I guess the reason why I succumb to it was because I've tried to be in more treacherous territory than LDCs. I figured if this person makes me really happy why should I even stop and think about it. Heck, I was happy and this person was the sole reason. And since I believe that everything happens for a reason, I believed this too might work. But I also knew it would take more than love for us to actually get through this. 2 years of waiting is a very long time especially if you're in love.

Last night, I fell asleep while on Skype with him and I woke up dazed when he told me I snore.He took a picture and wrote something that made my heart melt like butter.

I was beautiful even when I snore.

And to you here's my reply...

I will love you more everyday when we're apart and even more when we're finally together. I'm no Pablo Neruda but there's only one meaning on every "I love you" uttered by anyone in the planet no matter how near or far. And that holds true for me too.

His name is Chris and I love him...

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

SOLACE: An Open Photoshoot for Breast Cancer Awareness

2011-04-06T18:11:00.005+08:00

Often, all we need to do is LOVE.

A Breast Cancer Photography Project by: Noel Abelardo. Sign up here:signappnow.com/sheet/w8WFTYVN (Thanks to Sandz for the idea).
What: An Open Photoshoot: Solace, A Breast Cancer Photography Project
When: April 30, 2011, 9am-6pm (Time slot for pictorial will be provided)
Where: Pioneer Studios - 123 Pioneer Street Mandaluyong City
How: Registration fee - PHP 800 (A pre-registration of PHP400 is required - to be deposited to a bank account - sent after confirmation)
What you will get: 4 Hi-Res Photos (hair and make-up included)
Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Endorphins Day

2011-04-03T20:41:00.003+08:00

“...Until I got high, until I got high… Until I got hi-high! Parap-papa-ra…”

Yes, I got so high today that it’s almost near impossible to put me down. Let me tell you why. It was roughly two weeks ago when Cris, Vicky and I had lunch at Robinson’s Galleria Veranda, when Vicky said that she needed to go register for another run. Vicky started running more than a year ago and I remember the very first run she did she practically dragged me to take pictures of her. And for those of you who know me, I am NOT, and perhaps never will be, a morning person. So you could just imagine the horror I got when she came to my apartment and I was still wet, barely awake, but armed with my camera and forced me to get in the cab. When we got to Athlete’s Foot Galleria, she joked that I should run with her. Early this morning, I completed the 3k run in 21 minutes something (official results to be posted soon). Not bad for a virgin runner, don’t you think? (Me zow proud!) After the long cue at the photobooth to have our photos taken, I did a little photoshoot of my own. Vicky, the goddess that she is, recently became the brand ambassador for Reebok with freebies galore. I wanted to take photos of her in the hopes that Reebok will like it and get me as their official photographer. Fingers-crossed and little positive thinking may prove this venture successful. (Sino-sino pa ba magtutulungan kung hindi kami-kami din. LOL!)

(Vicky's Bruno and my Fila --- I can't think of a name for this yet. LOL!)

(00:21:27 after)

We had breakfast at Figaro BHS soon after and talked about heartfelt stuff about our friend who’s suffering from breast cancer. We talked about how else we could help her out and last night, I came up with my first-ever open photoshoot to raise funds for her, which I shared with Vicky. I was telling her how worried and scared I am for this project and pray to got that I will be able to pull it off in all it’s glory. (Teaser photo of the project below).

I got home around 9:00 in the morning and decided to cook lunch for my family. After a few more minutes, with me on the wheel, my mom, my driving teacher (Ate Dada) and I headed off to Legaspi Weekend Market. It was my first time there and I simply went gaga over the array of stuff to be seen there. I felt like I was in a totally different world. It was stuff, I would see elsewhere but definitely did not expect to see it here in Manila. From food stalls, accessories, organic vegetables, to bags, notebooks, and even an area for donation for the Japan victims. Mom and I bought t-shirts to show support and offer a little bit of help. It was beautiful place to go to on a weekend, just take a look at the photos below – ‘nuf said.

(Mom negotiating with the 'magtataho')

(Little Birdie things from Patika)

(A beautiful thing done to such an ordinary household item. From Patika)

(creation by Mrs. Casimiro -- Patika)

(Reggae on a Sunday Morning)

(Coin purse from Yadu. CUTIEEEE!)

(Carla, one of the makes of these one-of-a-kind bags)

(someone give this to me for Christmas PLEASEEE!)

(Let's do our part to help!)

(Our hearts go to those victim of the earthquake in Japan)

After cooking a Paco Salad (local dish I learned to make from my Mom in Lucban, Quezon where I heart so much) and Dinengdeng with Bagnet (an Ilocano dish I also learned to make from her) and feeding my entire family, I suggested we watch Care Divas. Vicky has been raving about this play since last night and we all heard great reviews on it so it was no brainer to see it. Turned out the play was beyond words! It was so fantastic I am still in awe with the sheer talent of everyone who made this play possible. Filipinos are truly gifted artists! As in! Buddy Caramat, a good friend, played Jonee and I cannot express how wonderful of an actor this guy is. He was superb! Everything about the play was simply outstanding! To my surprise I even saw another good friend, Eric Villanueva Dela Cruz in the cast. He too was impeccable.

(Buddy Caramat, a good friend, played Jonee.)

Care Divas was about a group of gays working as caregivers in Israel. The story revolved around the trials and tribulations of these people living in a foreign land trying to make ends meet for themselves and their families. It’s a testament as to how OFWs regardless of gender, race or religion are the true heroes of this country. So for those who have not seen it, I suggest you reserve a ticket the next time it runs at PETA. Tonight was the last show but I am certain they will run it again and again, and again! It’s too wonderful not to. And oh, be ready with a lot of tissues, as this play will make you ball up and cry like a baby. Congratulations again to the amazing cast and crew! Shout out to RR Herrara who I think is cute-r in person. (If you read this, let’s have coffee or cocktails, whichever comes first!)

(The cast during their final song.)

All in all, I think this is one of the best days I’ve had in a long, long time all thanks to Vicky Ras for pushing me to run early and start what I would like to call an Endorphin-filled (high) day!

Thank God for this Sunday!

Let me think about running again next time --- with better running shoes as my current one will never see the light of day as it nearly killed one of my toes.

Goodnight!

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Ready, Set, Uhmmm

2011-01-17T18:15:00.003+08:00

Sometimes when expectations fall short hearts break. Torn between love and the fear of falling in love all over again, I begin to question every step I take in my pursuit of finding the right person to risk everything once again. If only it were easy. If only being burned in the past doesn’t haunt me. If only he’s perfect.

But no one is.

I used to be fearless when it comes to falling in love. In fact, I used to look forward to it. But after a while, you learn. Hopeless-romantic I may be, even the best of them fall down. And I have fallen… many times that I fear if I fall for the wrong guy once more, I may not have the courage to stand up. So question is, am I ready to risk it all once again? I don’t know. We could only be so lucky as to find the answer to that question once you ARE ready.

But I guess for now, let me see where this will go.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Lucky

2010-11-29T20:43:00.003+08:00

It’s no mystery that some people wait a lifetime to find that one person that could be potentially be their destruction or if they’re lucky, someone who can be the one person to make them truly happy. It’s because of this that one’s heart remain resilient. In the billions that live on the planet, how can it not be possible to find the one for you? That person maybe sitting in front of you but didn’t notice because you were taking a sip on your coffee. Or you may have bumped shoulders in a club or party but was too busy talking to a friend you missed your chance to say “hi.” There are some still hoping, others --- the lucky ones who have met them, and still others who have given up. Some who have lost them to death and others who simply let them go. But the saddest part of love --- loving someone who doesn’t know you even exist or worse, doesn’t love you back. And yet in these countless moments when the opportunity of love passed you by, and whether you took your chance or not, it is that hope that keeps you fighting, keeps you longing, keeps you sane.

I am a bohemian. I believe that love is the one, if not the only thing you need to make you feel alive. But it the times I’ve tried to search for it, it has eluded me. On the days I’ve waited, it came only for a fleeting moment. Yes, I have experienced love. And it is that taste for it that makes me long for more.

Last Saturday I witnessed the union of two adored friends. Two friends who shared something magical, two people who have shared their love against all odds. I have seen how it can transform worlds. I have seen how two people can have a happy ever after. And I want it. I want it more than ever. And then there is another couple I’ve seen fight so hard to keep their relationship afloat. I’ve seen them break each other’s hearts only to keep coming back to one another. Perhaps it’s stupidity on their part or perhaps, giving up doesn’t seem like an option for them at the moment. Or even that they want forever to happen to them too. And I have this other friend who waited and passed years not knowing if love can find him only to meet a certain someone he met years ago and find love for one another. Who ever said love was easy has not experienced losing it.

They say love is overrated and maybe it is but that doesn’t make it less important. But whomever that person is I hope I’ve waited, longed and prayed long enough for that person to transform my world too. I want to wake up next to someone I dreamed about the night before. I want to spend the day with someone like there’s no tomorrow left for us. I want to… just find…

You.

Whoever “you” may be.

It’s no mystery I’m idealistic or that I am a hopeless romantic. But now, I simply want to be lucky too.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Pretentions

2010-10-31T19:45:00.003+08:00

For almost two and a half months, I pretended. I pretended that I was ok. I lied my ass off trying to believe that the I was over you. I wanted the lie to become an eventual reality. But tonight, when I saw the pics of him with your family, with your mom and daughter, I nearly cried. My heart sank and I realized I wasn't over you. How could I when every fiber in my being still longs to be loved. Not specifically by you, but by someone. I wanted something similar to what we had. The seemingly near perfect relationship that I've always wanted.

I remain steadfast on the hope that I can find whoever it is, is worth the wait. But I grow tired too.

I always believed that I'm a great guy. But I'm not. I break hearts too. And my still semi-broken heart still needs mending. But who'd be willing?

Every so often we stumble upon a chance, an opportunity too feel great... to feel happy. Yes, happiness is a choice but to get there is hard work. I simply want to love another and be loved in return. I am the true bohemian lover. I feel my best when I love. I wish it were that simple to find him. If only...

But it isn't.

It never was. Never will be.

So dear God if you're listening, if you still care for me even one tiny bit, please, please, please let him find me. And I promise, I will do better this time.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Amma Comin' Home

2010-10-31T19:43:00.000+08:00

3 years ago I decided to move out of my parents house. Not because I had problems living there and not because I didn’t want to live with parents anymore but because, I felt the need. I needed to prove to myself that I could live on my own. I needed to understand firsthand how difficult and fulfilling it was going to be.

And now that I understood, I’m moving back home.

Ever since I moved out of my parents’ house, I was always asked by Mom to come back every chance she got. On every family gathering, lunch out, even on SMS but I always declined the offer. But in two weeks, I’ll be starting the laborious process of packing, transferring my stuff and settling back home. I feel jittery just by thinking about it. After being gone for so long, I’m actually scared to get my old life back. Back to quarreling with my siblings on a semi-weekly basis, back to the adjustment of going home early and abiding by the house rules and back to the reality that I have to spend as much as time as I have left with my aging parents. It was fun during the 3 years I was by myself. And by fun I mean difficult-scary-financially-taxing-exhausting-long-nights. And during those 3 years, I have learned so much more than I could have imagined. I’ve learned to be more responsible, less stressful and to basically take care of myself better.

I guess it wouldn’t be so bad to go back home…

Especially since I might get a car instead.

Mobility over independence.

Practicality over luxury.

Me over family.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Reslilience

2010-09-14T20:26:00.002+08:00

A friend asked me, “After 3 years of waiting and then getting your heart broken, how close are you on being jaded?” I simply replied, “I am and forever will be a hopeless-romantic.” I don’t know why I replied with such pessimism but I knew it was the truth. I just need time to heal but I know in time I will be able to bounce back better than before.

***

I recently confirmed my long standing suspicion that ze ex has been seeing someone else right after we broke up. Actually, a few days after we parted ways, he has been meeting up with an old “friend.” He had always denied that there was anything going on between them but yesterday everything was clarified. He is now in a relationship with this guy. More than anything else, the seeming betrayal was the most painful. Yes, I do still feel something for him or at least I did. Now, it’s pure hate and disgust on the stupidity that I allowed myself to be the victim of a love that started with nothing but lies. He always lied to me, even then. He was a master of this art. And I, intelligent guy that I am, was played. Goes to prove that the smarter you are, the more stupid you become when you fall in love. I shall not go into the details since I am still trying my able best to actually be the nice person here. I could have done so many things to hurt him back but thankfully, I was brought up by my parents to be kind and understanding even if it’s hard to. I just figured that if I did plot my revenge a lot of people will be affected by it and I cannot bare that on my conscience. And so, I am doing the next best thing… to let go and detach myself from him. Difficult, yes but if I don’t I’ll never be able to open my heart and mind to the possibility that not all men are bastards. Some of them are just born cruel.

I shall keep waiting, dreaming, hoping and dreaming that someone out there is the right person for me. Someone I can share whatever life I have with. Someone out there who will try and avoid breaking my heart into a million pieces and then breaking them again into little more manageable pieces. I was perfectly content 3 years ago before he came and now I am in the slow agonizing process of healing once again. Still, I know I can do this. The heart, after all, is resilient.

And just to prove how resilient it is, I’m up for coffee, a nice dinner and a movie for anyone willing to have a good time with a person desperately trying to move on. Or we can go straight to bed, that might be a good way to speed things up. (Kidding!)

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Craziness

2010-09-01T13:01:00.001+08:00

While I was browsing the ever-so-time-consuming Facebook, I saw my ex (the first one) with his current and I must zay they are looking so cute. Holding hands while posing for a photo. Damn! I hate happy relationships!

I know! I know! It sounds bitter but just like my newest ink reminds me (that) “Amantes sunt Amentes” which is Latin for Lovers are Lunatics! And so indeed we are! And last night was a true testament on how crazy I am.

It was late, maybe around 11ish when I decided to turn-in and focus on Michael Scott’s 3rd installment of the Nicholas Flamel series --- The Sorceress, which Vicky and I are absolutely addicted to. We are in fact planning to by the last installment of the book later. And while I was engrossed reading what will happen to Perenelle and the twins of the legend, my mobile rang. And yes, it was ze ex. It took me a few seconds to contemplate whether or not I’ll pick up but alas, this story would have no sense if I didn’t. Knees shaking, arms trembling, I tried and kept my voice as nonchalant as possible. He said he was at my condo and asked if he could come up my unit to visit. Trying to still keep any emotion away from my voice, I said, “Yes!” Now before you get your panties in a wad, nothing remotely sexual happened. We talked. Ok, maybe hugged for a few seconds. Alright, minutes! But that was just it. He said he missed me and wanted to see me. And to be honest, I missed him too.

He was in and out of my place in less than 10mins. Any minute longer and it would have spelled trouble for both of us. I keep asking why had to come. I keep asking what it is that he wants from me and all he could say was that he wanted to be friends. It was then I realized I wanted what we had before or none at all. It was then I made a conscious effort to stop loving him. I could not be his friend, not now at least. So it’s either we get back together or have nothing to do with each other at all. After he left, I kept thinking what was different and then it dawned upon me… he’s too much of a coward to even take the risk of getting back together. It also came as a surprise that after waiting for so long to see him, when I finally did… I felt nothing. I felt no anger, no pity, no warmth, and no happiness. Nothing.

I realized that waiting is the most important thing that you can do for love… but it proved to me one thing…

As it goes it can also…

Change your mind!

Love letters and idealism by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Healing

2010-08-30T18:25:00.003+08:00

Almost a month after, I’m still incapacitated. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from all the things that had happened to me in the past couple of months it is that NO ONE is ready for heartache.

For almost 3 years, I’ve prayed, wished, and hope of finding my one true love. And now, I begin to question if it does even exist. Are the stories for happy-ever-after only experienced by the lucky few --- the VERY lucky few? Am I never going to be one of them? Yes, you might say that it’s very early for me to give up on love. But what if, love has given up on you? Is it even worth waiting for? Is the pain of heartache worth the happiness and joy of finding love? I really don’t know.

To be quite honest, I am still very much in love with ze ex. But right now, there is very little, if not none at all, chance for us to get back together. And so, today when I woke up I decided to let go. He has found another and I… I will be slowly picking up the pieces of my broken self. I cannot promise not to love again --- for I am only human after all, but I can promise not to fall too fast, too soon. I’m sure you know how difficult that is but if I don’t start now, I might lose myself.

Though I am still hurting, I am in the process of healing. And that’s always a good thing. Rising up from each fall is, after all, a choice. And today, I choose to stand up and fight, with or without another to help me. Today, I will love you a little less and want myself a little more. Today, I will long for you a little less and think of myself a little more. I will carry your memories but only to serve as lessons for the mistake of loving you too much.

I loved and lost. There’s really all there is to it.

My forever wasn’t with you. But for whomever it is with, I do hope you’re worth the wait.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Until the Last Shoe Drops

2010-08-17T17:51:00.000+08:00

I sat there listening intently to every sound. Half-awake I tried and make sense of what you were saying. It was only a few hours ago when you were hugging me and kissing me, tearfully saying that you love me. It was only a few hours ago that leaving was not an option. It was past one o’clock when you decided to let me go. It was then, my heart stopped beating. It was then I knew I had to go.

Everything was perfect before that night. I was right where I belong. Until I knew the truth, the truth that you can’t fight for me. It wasn’t an option. Your love, OUR love couldn’t conquer it all. But you were what I hoped for. It was you that I loved. It was you that made me happy. I asked for you --- wished, hoped and prayed for you. I wasn’t ready to get my heart broken so early. I was still content loving you. But it had to end.

I remember hearing the words.
I remember wiping the tears.
I remember feeling the pain.
I remember wanting my heart to stop beating.

I remember but wanted to forget.

So let me say my goodbye if only to force my world to start turning once again. Let me NOT ask, hope, wish and pray for you to return. I don’t want empty dreams --- like promises written on the sand. I can’t wait forever --- since it may never come. Don’t say you miss me and do nothing. Don’t say you’re lonely when you’re surrounded by people you can’t let go. Don’t say when you’re ready to come back, you will because we both know you can’t. Don’t love me anymore because it will never be enough. I will never be enough.

Let me pretend to be strong now. Let me at least try...

For now.

Love Letters and Idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Very Happy

2010-07-07T21:25:00.000+08:00

For nearly 3 years, I’ve searched, waited and longed for that one person to come and alas, my long wait has come to an end. He came in the most unexpected time, in an island where booze, intoxicating fun and wonderful companions can seemingly bring you to another world. It was then; I knew I would be happy for a very, very long time.

“Saan tayo mga becky?”

“Doon na lang sa Mikko’s Bar,” I said.

“Chaka, sa ibang lugar naman tayo. Gusto ko magvideoke!”

“Ayyyyy! Game!”

It was our last night in Puerto Galera. Earlier that day some of us decided to postpone going back to Manila for one more night. And so, I came up with an excuse to my boss and stayed one more night. Little did I think that that was the best decision I was ever going to make.

After spending most of the day under the sun, playing beach volleyball, drooling at hunks, and lying at the beach working on our tan while reading, we all decided to grab dinner and head down to the bars for more hunk-drooling. Most of us still had a hangover from the night before but that never stopped us from getting drunk again that night especially since it will be our last night in the island. There was unanimous decision to get wasted and sing our lungs out at the local videoke joint somewhere. But after walking back and forth our dreams soon faded and we settled at the same bar we hung out the night before. And there I saw him; in a floral polo (yes, floral – we were in an island after all) buttons opened all the way holding a glass of the infamous Mindoro Sling seemingly dancing the night away with friends. (I later on found out that he was with relatives.)

“Mga bakla! May gustong makipagkilala sa iyo.”

“Sino?”

“Yung guy na labas ang dibdib don sa kabilang table.”

“GO!”

When we first passed the area, he already caught my eye. And as chance would have it he seemed attracted to me too. FATE? DESTINTY?

I wasn’t quite certain that I had the guts to approach a stranger in a bar. I always had this rule that men I meet at Galera will be left in Galera. I’ve had too many horror stories from friends about hooking up with guys in the island and I didn’t want that to happen to me. But he was quite the persistent lad. I was watching some fire-dancers when he sat beside me and did small talk. Of course, my insides were already shrieking like a little girl. A few more drinks, more talk, a little dancing and as the night grew darker I got hooked.

It was there bathed under the moonlight, amidst puddles of people around, drinks on hand, sands on our feet and distant techno-music in the background, I kissed this stranger in White Beach.

And I was happy. Very happy.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Fumi-FLING lang!

2010-06-03T18:03:00.002+08:00

Hindi ko naman sinasabing napaka bihasa ko pagdating sa pinilakang-tabing, ngunit sa dami na din ng pinapanood kong pelikula --- mapa-banyaga or lokal, masasabi ko din naman na may alam ko sa kagandahan (o kapangitan) ng isang pelikulang aking pinapanood.

Tandaan na aking babanggitin sa blog na ito at tanging opinion ko lang lamang at wala akong minamasamang tao, pagkakataon o pangyayari sa pagsulat ng “blog” na ito.

Kamakailan at naimbitihan akong manood ng isang indie film sa Megamall. Ang manunulat kasi ay kaibigan ni ‘Hal at di dito na nagsimula ang humigit kumulang na dalawang oras na pangkukutya, panlalait, at pagtawa sa pelikulang pinamagatang “FLING.” Dagdagan pa natin ng mga taong parang ngayon lang naka pasok sa sinehan at namistulang sala nila ang sinehan sa Megamall. Tama daw bang mahiyawan, palakpakan at magwala sa ibang eksena. Ang tanong ko ay saan? Ano? At BAKEEEET?

Pasing-tabi muli sa mga taong pinagaksayahan ng panahon ang pelikulang ito pero magbibigay lang ako ng nararapat na opinion sa mga bagay-bagay ukol dito.

Kung tutuusin maganda sana ang pagkakasulat ng pelikula – makabago at maganda ang mga “one-liner” na hirit ng mga karakter. Sa katunayan ito ay hango sa isang nalathalang storya ng manunulat. Kaso sablay ang mga artista, di kagandahan ang direction, at panget ang cinematograpiya. Hindi ko lubos maisip ang mga zoom-in sa mga mata, pag-highlight ng naliligong artista at ang “washed-out” flashback chuchu. May isa tuloy eksenang nagmukhang niletchon na baka sa Lance Raymundo sa pagka-high contrast ng dating. Nakakaloka! At ang mga outfit ‘teh, bumu-boots lang! Boots kung boots at pechay shorts! HAHAHA!

ANG MGA KARAKTER

Ang “Fling” ay pinagbidahan ni Lara Morena, Rafael Rosel at isang Jacq Yu something ata yun. Di ko na matandaan. Magaling sana yung Jacq, natural umarte pero mahina pa sa timing. May mga nahuhuling pagkakataon na tumitingin sa kamera. At ang mga damit… ang mga damit ‘teh! Hindi ko alam kung galing sa Korea or Japan ang stylist ng pelikulang ito pero ang magagandang damit lang sa palabas na ito ay yung asa Boracay sila na halos hubo’t hubad na ang mga artista. Maganda ang katawan ni Rafael Rosel. Yun lang ang masasabi ko! Maganda ang katawan nya! Hayaan na lang natin na mag-modelo siya at yun naman talaga ng pinaka pam-bato nya sa tao. Si Lara Morena, hayyyy Lara Morena! Hindi ko na maalala ang huling pelikulang ginawa nya bago ang “Fling” pero sigurado akong kalianman ay hindi na ako manonood ng pelikulang pinagtatampukan nya, kahit pa ang tanging papel nya dito ay isang extra. Hindi ko naman mawari kung paano siya binigyan ng isang role na isang sumikat na International Model na sosyalera at ingglisera. ‘Teh narinig mo na ba siya mag-english? Kung hindi pa, magpasalamat ka na lang dahil ako narinig ko siya at hindi lang ilong ko ang dumugo, pati mata, tenga, ari, balakang, kuko, buhok at kung anu-ano pang parte ng katawan. Masakit ‘teh. Napakasakit na maranasan ko sa buhay ang pakinggan siyang mag-english. Ang haba ng opening speech nya ‘teh --- producer kasi kaya ayun! Talk-a-thon si Ateh! At pagdating naman sa pag-arte, siguro ay may dating ang lola mo sa ibang pelikulang nagawa nya da dati (di ko din alam kasi di ko naman talaga siya pinapanood) pero sablay siya dito sa “Fling.” UTANG NA LOOB! Siya na ang bagong Reyna ng Jejemons! Siya na ‘teh! Siya na!

Mas natuwa pa ako sa pagarte ni Matet De Leon at Kathleen Hermosa dito. Kahit ang gumanap na magulang at kapatid ni Jacq ay masasabi kong OK. Hindi din katanggap-tanggap ang ibang alipores dito. Yung beckying kaibigan ni Jacq dito ay pilit na pilit magpatawa at umarte. Mas magaling pa ata ang mga kilala kong Stand-up Comedian o parlorista sa may amin. Pag napanood mo siya dudugo din ang lahat ng parte ng katawan mo sa inis.

Sumatutal, kung gusto mong magaksya ng pera’t panahon at gusto mo lang mayamot sa buhay, i-re-recommend ko ang pelikulang ito. Kung type mo din makita ang katawan lagi ni Rafael, ni Lara or ni Jacq pwede mo din itong pag tiyagaan. Asa sa iyo na yun! Basta ito, opinion ko lang!

BOW!

**Disclaimer: May freedom of speech ako 'teh kaya tabi-tabi po! Ang masaktan sana 'wag ako i-habla! LOL"***

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Cheating

2010-04-18T17:57:00.001+08:00

There have been moments in one’s life that the one thing you don’t expect happens… and mind you it happens quick. For about two years and a half now I have searched, far and wide, high and low, in and out for the one perfect person that is worth giving up my single life for but alas I have never truly found it. I have looked at all the signs. There are the more subtle signs that can mislead you to believe that what you’re feeling can be real such as friendly SMS flirting and other signs that are more blatant such as whispering “I love you” during foreplay that can catch you off-guard and suddenly ruin the mood.

They say that life should be lived to the fullest. And that it’s too short and too sad to spend it alone. Yes, I have been alone for almost 3 years, sometimes lonely and often just okay. And during this time I have focused on my career, friends and family as most people living the single life would. But there comes a time when you start asking yourself, “What is this all for if not to share it with someone you really care about?” You begin to realize that life tends to be more meaningful when you really have someone to share everything with. You begin to look for answers, reasons for you to wake up every morning with a smile on your face… an inspiration to keep going. But then you suddenly find it, in the most unguarded moment of your life only to realize that you maybe ready but it’s not enough. Your expectations grow higher, your checklist grow longer and the hopes for your to find the right person begins to dwindle. You do not settle because you owe it to yourself to keep looking for your Prince Charming. Because every fiber in your body believes that that one person exists to change your life for the better.

And then one day, you wake up and you’re in a relationship. After the long search you finally settled. You settled because you thought that you are in love. You accepted the flaws and acted on impulse only to be betrayed by your faith. He cheats. Time and time again he hurts you but like the proverbial son you keep coming back. And while some people call it true love, I just call it stupidity. You keep on breaking up and get reeled back in just as fast because you believe you have the obligation to stay. You believe it’s your duty to be the “better” partner.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all seen it. Felt it. That feeling of ecstasy, of love and how grand it can be. But at one point in your life you ask yourself, “Is it all worth it?”

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been going on and on about how love seemingly abandoned me. There just came a point in my life that I got so tired of all the dating, all the drama, all the waiting, and all the games. I haven’t given up on love. But sadly, I think that it has given up on me. In my 28 and a half years of existence, I have seen, or experienced, the kind of love so monumental that when I lost it I nearly died. And yet up until recently, I have been searching for a kind of love that will last. The kind that would give me reason to wake up every morning with a smile. The kind very few have. And unfortunately, the kind most people take for granted.

By nature, people are never satisfied. It’s human nature to always want more and it is this flaw that causes problems. A fatal flaw that ends a relationship you tired so hard to find and twice as hard to keep.

They say that good things come to those who wait. But what if it never does. Are you going to keep holding on that tiny glimmer of hope? Or will you give up and succumb to the reality that you may be destined to be alone. Will you be okay with it? Are you ready for that part of your life when it’s simply better to be single that to be in an unhealthy, complicated, often-hurtful relationship. Samantha (SATC) said, “Men cheat like dogs lick their balls, simply because they can.” In the gay community this holds especially true. Gay guys in relationship often cheats, not just because they are not satisfied with their partner anymore but simply because they can. It’s easier with social networking sites built for hooking-up and with bars practically giving the opportunity in a silver platter. And even in the slightest chance you find a perfect partner who will stay loyal for you, it won’t be forever. I’ve known gay couples that have been together for so many years that ended up being in an open-relationship after a few years because it can’t be helped. There’s a need. You can give all the excuses in the world to justify the fact you cheat. So I ask myself, after all that, “What’s the point?”

Perhaps, I have yet to find someone who can change my perception in relationships. To prove me wrong that gay guys can be faithful. After all, who wakes up each morning saying they don’t want to get swept off their feet.

All they need is the right broom.

***Thoughts inspired while listening to OliDex’s recommended song “A Love That Will Last” by Renee Olstead and a friend’s very complicated relationship.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Myth and Manipulation

2010-02-21T21:49:00.001+08:00

“From Single to In a Relationship.” That’s how it read. It was declaration of your relationship status, a testament that your elusive heart has finally been captured. I searched frantically to find that one person who finally did it. And there it was, the picture that told me everything. It was that photograph in a restaurant in one of your night outs. There he was, a brand new person amidst the familiar faces. He was the one. And as clear as the words written in your change of status, it hit me. You could never really be mine. You could be the worlds’ but never mine. It doesn’t matter how long I wait, or how patient I can be or even how close we can get, it was just never enough. It was simply not meant to be.

Is being in a relationship really all that? After 2 years and almost 4 months of being in a relationship with my work, my photography, my laptop, family and friends, I begin to ask the question, “Should I settle?” It’s not as if I am single by choice but sadly it’s more because of circumstance. And so in the hopes of finally finding that one person to finally end my journey, I am declaring to the universe that I too am ready to be with someone!

I watched one of my favorite films of all time earlier, “The Mirror has Two Faces.” I must have seen that film a dozen times and yet I have never grown tired of it. More than Barbara Streisand, what struck me most about that movie was how it describes the longing of people to be in love. In one particular scene, Barbara, who played a middle-aged professor of literature at Columbia University discussed why people fall in love --- the myth and the manipulation of it all.

Why do people find it a need to be with someone, to be in love? Perhaps it’s true that what we see in movies, read in books, and even stories that have been told to us when we were young are all but a manipulation of what loves suppose to be. Why in the end we are not told what happens after the princess marries the prince? Why movies highlight the “falling in love” of characters to be overly extravagant with music swelling up to the moment when they first kiss. Why romantic novels describe fantastic love scenes and create illusions of grandeur when characters (people) fall in love.

It has been said that when we fall in love, we hear music, whether it be Puccini or angels singing, bells ringing, or chimes. Why? Because they say that music is the nearest description to the feeling of being in love. And while I haven’t heard the Philharmonic in my head on a first date for a long, long time. I still believe that this is true. I want to. I have to. If only to assure myself that I shall hear it again --- that I shall feel it again.

When I look around me and see couples, I can’t help but feel envious. I am jealous that they are together not because of the sweet nothings they say to each other (though I want that), nor the fact that they look into each other’s eyes with such longing (though I also want that), or even the fact that they have fantastic sex. I am jealous because they have found someone in their lives who truly knows who they are, who accepts each and every flaw. Who cares for you in a way no one else can. Someone who knows what kind of toothpaste you use and what kind of food you like. Someone you can share your life with. People fall in love because while, some of us already know, that it can have a very short shell-life, and it can lead into an indescribable pain. People fall in love because while it can only last for a moment, an hour, a minute, or even one night --- while it lasts it feels f*cking great!

In my search for that one person who in an instant turn my life around, I have stumbled across so many frogs I was willing to kiss. And of all those near misses, I’ve only realized one thing. I will never settle for someone less. So whether true love exists, whether it is a myth or a manipulation, I want to find it…

…Again.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Lovemonth-Schlervmonth!

2010-02-01T21:26:00.001+08:00

There are moments in your life that leaves you wondering if it all makes sense and you pray that while you go through the routine of the day, it will all finally unravel to tell you that while something’s should be thrown to trash, there are some that deserves keeping.

I have not written anything in a pretty long time. There were lots of attempts but I never got to share my thoughts in writing to my very little fan base. And so let me try and include the few of those unpublished works.

There was one inspired by the “Ugly Truth” on which I called it the “Uglier Truth” about gays and how complicated dating in the gay world is compared to the heterosexual scene. Why? Because while we all go through the same problems in dating, gays have it worse… at least for gay men. There’s the physical aspect where gay men are attracted more to the big chests, bulging biceps, toned abs, and yet still need to incorporate the personality based aspect of having the charm, wit, thoughtfulness, sweetness, often found in women. Not to mention the complications of men (almost all men) being very, very sexually active ---Promiscuous I dare say to a certain extent. There are very few, if not any who can be very monogamous. And while we all dream of Prince Charming to be very charming indeed, having such personality coupled with disturbingly good looks can only lead to heartache for most gay men especially for those who refuse to take in the concept of an “open relationship.” And so, I ask myself, when I comes to dating for gay men, is it really worth it or is sex just simply a more outright solution to those cold, lonely nights when you have no one to cuddle with but your pillow?

A few months back I dated a couple of guys that finds merit in being included on this blog entry. And while I am a bit afraid that they will read this and curse me for life, I still want to be able to share why I’ve been single for more than 2 years. But I’ll be kind – or at least I will try to be.
He was a great guy. He was tall, Chinese-mestizo, a gym-goer and an educator. But while the fact remains that he seems to be an obvious catch, there’s something about him that just didn’t click. He was “dreamless.” I was looking for someone whom I could share a certain passion with and even if it was not the same as mine, I want a guy who’d be equally as passionate on the things that he wanted to do. He was over 30 and sadly he still did not know what to do with his life. He lacked the drive to dream and the balls to pursue whatever it is he wanted to do in his life. I may be a tad bi judgmental here but this is my opinion of him, my impression – a very bad one at that.

A month of dating and I wanted to understand and maybe even help in deciphering what went on his head. I wanted to persuade him to do whatever it is that he wanted to do. Problem is, I don’t think he even had a clue himself. He ended it in manner bordering cruelty. He phoned me saying that he just saw his ex and they spoke and that he realized that he still had feelings for him. He even asked us to be friends and, I said, “What’s the point?”

Second guy turned out better than the first. He was cute, witty, funny, and responsible. He was too responsible --- for many things. In short, he wasn’t ready for what I had to offer. I shall not go into details, as I am sure that if he ever read this, he might end up hating me. I realized last night it was simply not worth it. I told myself this has to end. Bad thing about it is that I haven’t exactly told him yet. I’m a coward that way. I refuse to say it into his face. I just don’t call anymore nor text as often. I think eventually he’ll get it. I don’t think he’s that dense anyway.

And so my search continues to eventually find that one person to disrupt my life. I wait for that knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet and carry me to a distant land. If only life was a fairytale where it all ends in happy endings. But often life is cruel. It plays with your heart and tests its tolerance for pain and its capacity to heal.

There are moments in your life when that one person you thought could change your life for the better turns out to be the villain in the teleserye of your life. You simply have to learn that not all first dates can lead to a second one. Not all wonderful night-outs can eventually lead to cuddling for breakfast. Not all perfect conversations can lead to talk about the future. You have to accept the fact that sometimes he’s simply not that into you --- or you to him.

And then you move on if only to someday find someone really worth keeping.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: The Answer

2009-12-21T16:22:00.001+08:00

The Answer

As an avid reader of my blog – a fan, dare I say, you probably know about the guy I once had a very interesting conversation with. Well, he remains ever so elusive when it comes to hanging out and meeting me for coffee. But for those who don’t know the story, read this. After months of chatting online and sometimes even on the phone we scheduled a meeting Dec 19, 2009. But alas, the day came and went and no meeting ever took place. I remember I sms’d him the day before the destined meeting asking if we were still “on” and he replied with something like, “I can’t blah, blah, blah, because some excuse, blah, blah, blah!” He promised. But I guess like anything else in the planet… nothing’s permanent --- especially words thrown to the wind. As they say, promises are made to be broken. And so it did. He did.

Perhaps on his blog entry about the same topic, on which he was contemplating whether to meet me or not, the NOT won. He wasn’t prepared. And he did disappoint. And so I ask myself, is it all worth it? Is all the waiting, longing, flirting and interesting conversations worth everything? And although I know the answer in my mind, my heart wants to prove me wrong otherwise. Maybe he was stuck in some national crisis that he needed to resolve. Maybe he went to a much needed mani-pedi. Maybe he was scared. Maybe he was weak. Or maybe the conversations, interesting as it maybe were simply not enough. Oh well… ces’t la vie.

Moving on.

Another Saturday night in Malate proved to me that I am indeed getting old. Not only was I less (much less) of a drinker, I also had less fun dancing and listening to club music. Signs of aging as one friend pointed out. I have been going to Malate since I was 16 years old after all. For as long as I could remember, Malate was the only place where gay guys gather on a stressful week. It’s a place to hang-out, relax, meet old friends and gain new ones. Not to mention, a place to get all the meat you can get your hands on – so long as they’re willing. Mind you, gay guys can be really, really picky. Checklists? Gay guys probably have these as top three: (1) Hot --- smoking hot body. (2) To die for looks. (3) Mediocre brains. Now these are just general assumptions. It can vary depending on scale, percentage and statistics. As for me, I go there for friends --- just to be with friends. Gone are the days when hook-ups, Quick Fixes, and NSA-ONS are on the menu. I’ve been telling my friends, that if I reach 40 and I’m still hanging out in Malate to get laid, someone just put me out of my misery and shoot me.

Nevertheless, since I was already there I decided to take a look around and simply observe. And that I did. I saw this one guy who for all intent and purposes was there to get hooked-up. He was all over the place hoping, begging to be noticed. And after an hour or so, he finally proved successful when he was groping another guy – which was with another guy (a friend) later that evening. Talk about all aboard. I also saw familiar faces, those who are friends with the owners, or simply there every weekends. These are the social leeches that cling on the ladder to get noticed. They beso-beso with the “it” people hoping to be “it” themselves only to be later on trampled by the real socialites entering the club -- Pathetic, isn’t it? Then there are the friends of the owners who dance around like puppets on the whim of a master puppeteer. These are the college drop-outs with tons of money from their parents but zero English-speaking skills. The dumb blondes.

And so, it only proves how sad, very sad lives some if not most gay guys lead. They live for the moment only because the future seems bleak without a family to build. They hold no respect for themselves only because they think Malate is an appropriate place to be promiscuous. The everyone-does-it-so-it-must-be-good mentality.

Last Saturday I found my answer…

I call him Beh!

Kaganapan (Panimula)

2009-12-02T17:47:00.000+08:00

Sumisikat na daw ang blog ko. Yihee! Baka naman isipin nyo nagmamayabang ako. Hindi noh! Medyo lang!

Eh kasi napansin ko lang na may chumichismis na sa blog ko. Nakatanggap na din ako ng mangilan-ngilang mensahe na sinasabing narinig na daw nila ang blog ko kung kanino man. Katunayan may natanggap akong mensahe kanina sa Facebook na nagpapatunay. May nagrekominda dawn g blog ko sa kanya. “Interesting” daw kasi ito. Hindi ko sigurado kung ano ang ibig nyang sabihin dito. Pero hindi ko na din tinanong. Para sa akin mahilig lang ako magsulat ng patungkol sa mga paksang nalalaman ko. Kalimitan nga lang ay sa pag-ibig.

At dahil na blanko ako sa pagsusulat buong November, gusto ko sanang bumawi sa pagsusulat ng tagalog ngayon December. Ito ang paunang salbo ko sa mga mangilan-ngilan kong taga subaybay at kung maari pa nga at tawaging tagahanga.

**KAGANAPAN**

Sa dinami-dami ng pagkakataong ako’y magsulat at mag update ng blog, hindi ko ito nagawa. Nakakahiya tuloy tawaging blogger ako kung hindi naman ako masipag magupdate. Marami-mari na ding naganap sa akin na karapat-dapat sanang ilathala ngunit/subalit/dadadapwat/pero, ang buong katotohanan ay, tinamad ako magsulat. Mas masarap na kasing matulog ngayon. Malamig at siguro ay tumatanda na din ako. Pero heto, susubukan ko pa din magsulat ng mga kaganapan sa akin nung nakaraang buwan.

Mauna ito sa lahat. May nakilala ako.

May nakilala akong karapat-dapat isulat. Si CLG. Una kami nagkasama dahil sa pambubuyo ng isang kaibigan. Isang nakakaloka at minsan nakakapikon sa pagka-talamak sa late na kaibigan. Architect nya daw ito sa kanyang pinapagawang bahay at dahil gusto nya uminom ng gabing iyon sinama nya na. Malagim ang gabing yun. Ang aking kaibigan ay nawasak ng todo. Nagpakalango sa alak at nalasing. Yung lasing na hindi na makatayo. Yung inom na parang pangkanto. Ganon.

Don nagsimula ang lahat. Sa painom-inom, na nauwi sa pagpunta at pagtulog nilang dalawa sa condo ko sa Mandaluyong. Ang masaklap pa nyan na pwersa ako magmaneho dahil sa kalasingan nya at yung si CLG naman ay hindi marunong mag-drive. Ayus di ba? Buti na lang at naalala ko pa yung pagaaral ko sa magmamaneho noon. Eh pitong taon din akong hindi gumalaw ng sasakyan, simula ng mabanga ako. Este, nung naatrasan ko pala ang kotse ng kapit-bahay naming papuntang school. Sa sobrang takot at kaba ko, din a ulit ako humawak ng sasakyan. Pero, ‘nak ng hueteng, wala ako nagawa ng gabing yun kaya pinaandar ko ang sasakyan sa bumubuhos na bagyo, bonggang baha, walang lisensya, mula San Juan hanggang Mandaluyong Executive (malapit na sa Makati) ng pinakamabilis na takbo at segunda.

Makalipas ang isang buwan ng una naming pagkakakilala. Ayun, magkakilala pa din kami. Marami pa akong iniisip bago ako tumalon sa balon kaya hinahayaan ko na lang munang magtampisaw. Malay natin baka bukas makalawa maramdaman ko na din.

-ITUTULOY-

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Updates, Dating, and on Missing V

2009-10-29T17:49:00.005+08:00

It is unusual for me not to be able to write an entry on my blog for the longest time, and yet for the past couple of weeks, I’ve complete ran out of time and opportunity (and even mood) to even take a glimpse of my blog – unfortunately. That, plus the fact that I have been really, extremely (borderline-life-altering) busy with a lot of things and simply didn’t find anything interesting to write about. But then I realized that’s not entirely true. Being a rather observant person, I could usually find something or someone to write about. And so, for this first entry (and probably the last) for the month of October, I would like to write about things that happened to me during the past month just to keep my very secret, very tiny fan-base updated.

To start off, this month is my official 2nd year anniversary of singlehood. And while it sometimes pains me to admit it, I have not found my significant other in two years of searching, trying and waiting. I did however; meet a couple of interesting chaps -- at least, worthy enough to mention on my blog entry.

One particular person whom I shall call, Mr. Almost-Made-It which I met a couple of months back but failed to write about was near perfect. We could talk for hours about anything under the sun (and moon – at times). We laughed on everything and had fun being together. Mr. AMI was sweet, kind, forgiving and simply a wonderful person. My friends adored him.

But there was just one problem. I couldn’t bring myself to be intimate with him. (You’re an adult, you know what I mean.) For some freakish reason, I just could not even fathom the idea of being on the same bed with him and do absolutely nothing else but sleep. At first, I thought this was just my fear to lose the passion of the relationship if the intimate moment turned out to be not how I expected to be. So I settled for the relationship instead without the wall-scratching and bed-pounding action that I am so used to. And after a month of dating, things were just getting worse. The looming problem over my “other head” has been too great and too much to go unnoticed. I kept dodging every attempt by faking sleep, faking stomach spasms, and even faking being drunk. I know, I know, I was evil. But alas, even my talented theatrical artistry could not hide what was wrong. The dating withered and eventually I had to speak up and tell the truth. I ended it in the most unbearable, coldest and even insensitive manner, I admit --- through text. As if the method wasn’t bad enough, I added insult to a very painful injury by telling him exactly what I felt, or should I say did NOT feel. A month or so passed, jumping into the present month, we started communicating again and I could sense this is bound to be just a ku-mare – which is a good thing.

Then there’s another guy I met at the most addicting social networking site—Facebook while I was in Malaysia for work. In a nutshell, he turned out better in the cyberworld that in person. I just didn’t agree on his views of relationships and priorities. In my opinion, he simply didn’t know what he wanted to do in his life. He picked me up after a two-week job in Malaysia. We got to talking, that’s when I realized that this is not the person I would want to be with long-term. And at this point in my life, I am not looking for flings, affairs, or short-lived relationships. Ranting about how bad things are at the office and plans of moving out of the country is not exactly what I would like to hear on a first date. Golden rule people: when on a first date, talk about your interests, hobbies and things that keep the conversation light but interesting not how you hate your boss and wish he’d drop dead anytime soon. If he could talk about a person he hates with such judgment and disdain, chances are his boss isn’t the only person he will eventually talk bad about. So, get the check, excuse yourself and run while you can.

I may be a bit presumptuous but heck; I can’t afford to waste my time with a person I can see no future with.

3rd guy --- Chinese-mestizo, mid-30s, professional, good-looking, stable -- financially and emotionally, and we pretty much shared the same vision. After a very nice and interesting first date, it never reached a second. Why? I could only assume. To this date, I have not heard from him again after a brief week of exchanging sms’ planning for the second meeting which obviously never transpired. I guess some guys usually prefer the disappearing act than have the balls to confront. Gawd, sometimes I wonder why I even try to date.

And then the other night, I found the answer to this riddle when I dated a deaf guy. Yes, he’s deaf and we dated. I was actually a bit hesitant to meet up with him but my messiah complex got the best of me. We understood each other since I knew a little sign language which apparently turned out to be pretty good according to him. I figured as much or that date wouldn’t have lasted over the initial “hi” and “hello.” I asked him with his disability, “Does it hinder you from finding love?” And he replied, “Why should it?”

I guess every one of us is in search of something, be it: love, self, hope, and for most people even sanity. But I’ve decided to stop dating for a while. Not because of the too many failed attempts as mentioned but because it is taxing. Getting to know someone especially on a date can be quite a tedious task. Sometimes I just wish I could meet someone like how I met V, simple, uncomplicated and real. He was asking for directions while I was in my jammies on my way to 7-11. Just like that. We lasted for almost 3 years and many years after – he’s still the measurement of what a relationship should be to me.

Simple, uncomplicated and real.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Interesting Conversations

2009-09-21T01:02:00.001+08:00

I started talking to this guy online for about a week now. Haven't seen him, have no idea how he looks like but bottomline, I love the way he thinks, the way he writes and they way all this remains to be a mystery. Scared? Yes, but I'm willing to see where this all will go. After all, nothing is really certain. We could only wish to hope and pray ever so diligently that this might work. And if it doesn't, we move on. Just like before.

Received and sent messages
Show last Message

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:15
searching for love, sex and magic? necessarily in that order? :)

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:24
not really.. but preferably with a picture. hehe!

Him:i 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:26
tempting... :)

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:28
i'm sure. :D

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:29
my loss then :)

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:37
or perhaps mine.. :) we'll never really know...

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:40
hahaha, you are one witty piece of neuron

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:44
hmmm... i could probably say the same thing about you.

interesting, i usually ignore guys who message me without pics but then again... it's refreshing to see a message with more than 2 sentences (and not a template).. than the usual "hi", "hello", or worse, "helloww poh, kamustahhh pow kayoh?" HAHAHA!

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:47
i dont see that as messages, they are regarded as TRASH!!!! well, options available to a nice looking guy are endless. but sometimes there is the lil devil called curiosity that pokes your mind with the idea that "hey, this one might work!"

but then again, you have the option to ignore.

or we continue this kind of conversation. your choice!

my ym id remains to be *****

ME: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:52
i'd love too.. but i just finished a toxic day at the office. i'm just about to leave. might not be able to catch or go online when i go home.. too tired most probably.

so next best thing, mobile. if that's not too personal, here's my number 0917******.

Him: 15. Sep. 2009 - 20:57
i see. i just hope your toxicity will be compensated for most of the employed's salary are waiting to be withdrawn!!! teller machine rocks today!!!!

well, i wish you well and a safe travel going home. dont worry, your number is safe with me. :)

ME: 16. Sep. 2009 - 11:50
hehehe.. payday for our company is 10-25. :) and no, i'm not paid well enough! but i love my boss and my job so I do it for that reason alone.

yeah, i figured my number was safe with you since you never really messaged me or anything. locked in a vault? =D

Him: 16. Sep. 2009 - 21:58
so dinner on the 25th will be on your tab? hahaha. Underpayment is a misnomer. If you have lots of cash, taxation will be lurking CLOSE behind.

i dont expect you are the message-type person. But yeah ive been hooked in my own vault (read: deadlines) and this is the only time i can check.

my apologies. safety is my primordial concern!!! :)

ME: 17. Sep. 2009 - 10:30
hmmm... you're really starting to poke on my interest a little more. either you're an english major, you love reading books, a writer, or you're a stalker who knows me and the fact that i am turned-on by great minds. so which is it?! :P

25th dinner -- i would love to but unfortunately, i will be in Malaysia by that time and will be gone for 2 weeks. i'm leaving on wednesday next week.

here's my ym in case we catch each other on-line: angel_of_mourn (don't ask, i've had that since high school and was too lazy to change it.)

Him: 17. Sep. 2009 - 21:57
nope, not an english major. If you read the curriculum description of such course, you will have second thoughts.

i love books, that is a confession BUT!!! i am also a writer (in my own ways). Not into blogging though, i have too much stress in life and i firmly believe that the walls of social networking sites are not fora for rantings.

im no stalker too. i dont want to suspend life's happenings conditioned on another. thats a sad life, boring and lethal! hahaha.

maybe i have caffeinated neurons inside this temple. and maybe you have those too. thus, the connection.

Malaysia trip? travel is soothing for the weary soul. But if it is business or work-oriented, then maybe a change of workplace is also an alternative. regardless of teh purpose, you are mature and old enough to remind yourself to take care.

thank you for the ym id. i feel guilty because i have not offered anything in return. thus, i am 0915******.

dinner on the 25th postponed? do you reschedule? ordinarily, i dont. but since you have been nice and accommodating, what is two week wait mode? :)

ME: 18. Sep. 2009 - 13:07
This is turning out to be more and more like a blog entry. It's been a long time since I've conversed with someone such as you. And yes, I'm loving it very much.

so you love books, and write -- two things i hold very high regard of. I'm a writer myself but unlike you, I do my rantings on my blog for the world to read. When I initially created that blog back in 2004, it was more of a place to store all things that i've written. Later on, it became an outlet of sorts for my melodramatic, sometimes chaotic, but mostly ecstatic (wait, did I just rhyme?) life. Now, I mostly write about my experiences in life, love and losing. Three topics I am very much, if not overtly familiar with.

and you're not a stalker... good coz I wouldn't know what name to write on the restraining order (if ever).

yup, definitely have some, if not most neurons caffeinated. everyday coffee drinking and did I mention the title of my blog is Suicide By Coffee (NOTE: Promise you won't look it up!)

I've been going in and out of Malaysia for almost 3 years now. "Suyang-suya" na ako don! Hehehe! But yes, I change of environment from time to time is good for the heart, body and maybe even the soul.

oh wow. an number, think if I should sms you immediately, perhaps I should wait an hour or so before I do. Don't want to seem too eager! Haha!

Yes we could reschedule, how about before I leave. Lemme know if you're up to the challenge.

Him: 18. Sep. 2009 - 23:49
well, i have been conversing with "sensible" peeps on this site. They are scarce, yet some are promising. But then they will shatter the mind challenges and the wisdom taunting conversation with 3 words --- "face pic please". Will then go to square one again. good thing expectations are tempered. i can go through all these again and again.

i think writing vis-a-vis reading is a normal package. unless one writes mathematical themes or nuclear physics that is confined with a mono faceted subject, the two should be used, enjoyed and practice simultaneously.

if i am a stalker, i would just crush your restraining order via mandatory injunction or motion for reconsideration, appeal perhaps? but then again, a good stalker finds pleasure in following without being spotted right?

i am torn between the good effect to critical and free minds on one side and the hurt caused to others by blogs. others might misinterpret you or destroy you back even without your intention doing the same in the first place. thats why blogs do not excite me much. people with minds creating them do excite me more (and more!!! lol). im too lazy to search engine the title of your blog. just tell me the interesting parts on dinner (on you?). I assume a good writer like you is as eloquent and expressive with thoughts.

malaysia? I dont like their restrooms!!! some do not have toilet bowls!!! CRAP!!! literally!!! i love the idea of public showers on railroad stations though. a haven for backpacker-cruisers!!! hahahaha.

still no SMS. even if i brag about the fact that there is this cute person seemingly interested (and equally interesting), i still wanted that message!!! how is he different composing text messages from the free language of the PC? without the message, what difference will it be?

we cant reschedule before your trip. I am on my way to the island paradise of palawan, el nido and coron. while my initial return date is tuesday, i might pay additional bucks to enjoy. Dont worry, i think its worth the wait!!!

til next time. :)

-FIN-

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Because It's My Choice and Not Yours

2009-09-20T18:00:00.003+08:00

Last night, I realized that I am a square peg in my very rounded hole and by hole I mean this world. For almost two years that I’ve been single, I’ve searched, waited and longed for love. And it eluded me ever so passionately. I’ve dated and met a lot of people over the past two years and yet, for some reason it just didn’t fit. I didn’t fit.

I’ve been in love before every so often. And while it is the most magical thing in the world, losing it is also the most tragic. It doesn’t matter how many San Miguel Light you drink with your friends or how many love stories you watch, or even how many times you go to bed with someone you hardly even know, I still go to bed every night wondering, going through every detail of how for a split second you made yourself believe that you’re happy loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

I woke up this morning depressed and in tears. Something I also could not explain. But this is not the first time it had happened to me. Usually during the “BER” months that I am single, I somehow get into this mode. And it just sucks!

And so I tried to put meaning to my tears. I asked myself why I was sad. Why in my semi-perfect life, good career, intact family, wonderful friends, the only thing missing is someone I could share the great things in my life with? Why is it that as you get older you raise your expectations and never settle for anything less that what you think you’re worth? And then I came to my senses; I stood up, cleaned the entire apartment, ate very late lunch and sat down to watch “The Holiday” for the nth time. And the answer came to me; you find love when you least expect it. You just do.

Today, I only allowed myself to cry for a few minutes because I needed it. I needed to get my frustration out in the open. Not because I wanted to but because at the end of the day it’s my choice to either sad or to be happy. And now, I chose to be happy. Why? Because, I can!

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

One More Reason Not To Date Anyone Younger Than You... (or in this case, anyone with the intellect of a squirrel.) LOL!

2009-09-15T15:34:00.004+08:00

Definitely worth blogging....

One of the reasons, why I should really stop going out with boys! SOME OF THEM have the emotional and intellectual capacity the size of a teaspoon. HAHAHA! Anyway, this conversation was done over PlanetRomeo (a social networking site for PLUs).

This is a conversation between me and a 23-year-old gay guy names Jaycee.

Enjoy reading...

Received and sent messages

Show last Message

1. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:02
define poser. :D

2. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:05
poser?

3. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:06
sa profile mo. :)

4. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:08
what????? ganun b tayo kclose for you to call me poser. magkaibigan nga kayo ni melissa! parehas masama ugali!

5. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:23
ano ba?! chill! you misunderstood.

Online: NO FACE PIC, NO REPLY! POSERS WONT BE ENTERTAINED! -- yan ang headline mo sa profile mo di ba?

so i was asking you as a joke to define poser. mashado ka naman hot-headed....

6. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:26
and you just judged and called me "masamang ugali" and you don't even know me... and all based on a simple and laughable misunderstanding. and on top of that, you just called my friend masamang ugali too. hmmm...

sino kaya sa atin ang may masamang ugali? :(

7. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:28
it's not a good joke.

8. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:31
what?! hahaha! wow! i never said you were a poser and obviously you didn't get the joke. anyway, as i said, chill.. i think you're stressing over such a little thing.

either that or you really didn't get what my message meant.

take care then!

9. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:31
whatever. just stop sending me msgs. thanks. so next time be careful with ur jokes. bye.

10. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:32
hahah! kids nga naman...

oh well.. god bless!

11. jaycee08 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:34
yeah kids nga naman, they love laughing at their stupid jokes.

12. slimleon 15. Sep. 2009 - 15:38
just because you have an emotional and intellectual capacity the size of a teaspoon doesn't mean the world is always after you!

you'll soon realize what an unbelievably idiotic thing you're stressing about.... until then, i bid you farewell and good luck! :)

-FIN-

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Wanting

2009-08-17T19:30:00.001+08:00

I’ve nearly forgotten the last time I fell in love. Though I do remember, that when I did, it felt damn great. I barely recall the last person who made me feel that nothing else in the world mattered as long as we were together. All I knew was he was there… with me.

When I think about all the bad things happening in the world. The recession, the never-ending war amongst fellow men, AH1N1, calamities and even everyday crimes --- from as petty as theft to all the way as inhuman as murder. When I think about the world and its evil, it’s no wonder I am not the only one looking for love.

But as far as I am concerned whenever any calamity, war, disease, or any injustice brought about by evil to any man, even a death of a matriarch of a country such as ours, people come together to express what seems to be more than sympathy but true love and concern. But yes, love is often seen at its best during the worst of times. Though fortunately, that’s not always the case.
But as far as I am concerned whenever any calamity, war, disease, or any injustice brought about by evil to any man, even a death of matriarch of a country such as ours, people come together to express what seems to be more than sympathy but true love and concern. But yes, love is often seen at its best during the worst of times. Though that’s not always the case.

If you really think about it and observe, you’ll find love everywhere. A mother to a son, a father to his daughter, friends, old friends, new ones, lovers, brothers or sisters, even a child on his favorite pet. If you try and find it hard enough, it really is here, there and everywhere. In whatever shape or form, it does exist and endures. But like on everything else, there’s a limit to what you could give. There are certain things that you could only take. Then you ask yourself, with all the love that surrounds even the most romantic, passionate and loving person in the world, is love really enough?

For those who know me pretty well, they have seen me madly in love and they have also seen me broken to a million pieces because of it. And yet here I am still searching, enduring, hoping, and waiting for that one perfect occasion, when the planets and the stars are aligned, to meet that one person that could change everything in your life without a moments notice.

I want to remember how it felt like, what it was that drove me crazy, what made me not want anything else but just to be beside him. To touch, feel, smell, see, experience everything that that one person could give. And to be given the chance to give it all back.

I want to be reminded how to fight because you cared, you loved. I want to argue because the little things mattered. I want to cry because I was hurt. I want to be able to wake up every morning saying that it will be beautiful regardless of the bad weather because you knew, you’d wake up beside the person you were meant to be with --- maybe not forever but at least for that moment. I want to be able to sing again not because I have to but because each melody, word and rhythm reminds how wonderful you feel. I want to be able to dance without a care in the world because it doesn’t matter how stupid you may look, for that one person watching you happy was enough. I want that one person in the world who will still love me even when there’s no more reason to but will still find one.

I want to finally find you.

So if you’re out there, let’s have coffee. My treat.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

On Hope and Romance

2009-08-16T19:51:00.002+08:00

When someone tells me that love is just out there, I can’t help but wonder if it’s just a cleaver ruse to mask the fact that while some people find it, others simply doesn’t.

If you are pretty much like me, a hopeless-romantic to the core, you tend to believe on the “sayings” about this feeling. Love is blind. Love is a mystery. Love comes when least expected. Love is … complicated. But on all my faith on this concept of L-O-V-E, I have reason to believe that my once hopeless-romantic self has now been jaded, shaken to its core. Yes, the old me is now being reborn to a more cynical-realistic-practical Noel. I have accepted the fact that I have changed and I welcome it.

For the longest time, I have forced myself to the idea that I need to be with one person to complete me --- as Jerry Maguire very dramatically delivered that infamous line… “You complete me!” But he was wrong; you don’t need someone to complete you because you weren’t even broken in half to begin with. Shame on Jerry for misleading everyone!

I was recently dating someone for almost a month. I had the best time with him. He was smart, funny, and kind, sweet, thoughtful and all those qualities I was looking for a partner to be with. Unfortunately, there was one very important factor missing. I wasn’t really sexually attracted to him. Sad, I know but it doesn’t make it any less true. I really don’t know why but I just was not. And this coming from a very sexual person actually disturbed some close friends when I told them about the problem. And so, we ended it. We both knew it was a problem and that we just had to face it sooner or later. It just happened sooner.

I then realized that there could really be no relationship beyond sex, at least not for gays and not on the onset of what could have been a relationship. You really have to test the waters before you even attempt to swim on it. You’ll never know how deep it could get and you might just drown. We might not survive, not all of us are mermaids after all.

Yes, love without sex cannot exist. Perhaps it could on the straight scene but definitely not in the gay world. It just doesn’t work that way.

And so, my near-epic search continues. Almost two years and while I may have lost the hopeless-romantic in me, my HOPE for a ROMANCE remains steadfast…

… at least for now.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

UNREQUITED

2009-08-13T09:57:00.004+08:00

***Found this post from my hard-drive. Written a few years back. GAWD! Even then, I was such an EMO-freak!***

Last night over a bottle of San Miguel, I said "Goodnight!".

For almost two years, I've dreamed of what it was like to be with you. And in two years of longing, that never materialized. There were little things and other big things that affected what could have been a beautiful relationship but last night when I asked you again if you see a possibility you simply said, "No."

I left before you could see tears flowing from my eyes. I didn't want you to see me weak nor sad. But I was both. Extremely.

I write about you to try and release some of the pain and sadness that I feel now. I'm hoping that with this, I can try and move on. If only to see a glimmer of light in the distance.

I almost forgot how it was to love and not be loved in return. The most cruel kind of love. One I hope that you would never-ever feel in your lifetime. I didn't realize that I'd fall so deep. So deep, I couldn't even see I was drowning. I'm sorry for not believing you the first time you said, you did not want me. I guess chose I not to listen. I pretended not to hear. I should have though, if only to stop this madness from consuming me.

You could not see how sincere I was. How much I wanted to give you everything, not because I could but because you deserve it.

Perhaps I shall dance in the rain again to hide the tears. Perhaps when it stops I will be alright.

Perhaps but not certain.

A few hours ago, I dreamed about you. On the dream, you said you wanted me too. That you loved me as well. I woke up and realized it was all but a dream. And my eyes began to fill with tears.

Last night, you said you're sorry.

Sorry that you could not give me what I wanted.

It was over but I still could not say my goodbye. I couldn't. You're just too damn special.

But today, I must try. If only that I could move on.

So here it is... "Goodnight"

(... which loosely translates to "Goodbye!" I think.)

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

DIARY OF A REVOLUTIONARY (kuno!) by Leslie and Carmencita Abelardo

2009-08-10T11:24:00.002+08:00

***Written by my Dad with the collaboration of my Mom.

I do not consider myself brave. Only heroes like Ninoy and Tatay are. But, I have known fear intimately enough to grapple with its oftentimes debilitating effects and still manage to stay above water.

It is said that “prudence is the better part of valor.” I try to stick to this dictum as practicable as possible. I even think that this saying is the universal motto of all cowardly types. And that, includes me.

Until the ”snap elections” was called. I did not think I would play a part, though insignificant, in any of the historical events that was to unfold. I felt I did not want any part of it. But, the wife, (Carmencita) thought otherwise.

In October, 1985, Don Jaime Zobel of NAMFREL was looking for volunteers to help man the polls. Thru Cely Lorayes, I volunteered my wife’s name (and reputation) posthaste to avoid having to directly participate myself. At first, I did not want her to supervise the Olympia Village proceedings so as not to antagonize the Marcos loyalists in our area. On second thought, however, I also believed that she would be more effective (and credibly, non-partisan, I hoped) in an area where she is known. Also, I felt we would be operating in relative safety (Yabut bodyguards, notwithstanding).

So, I joined the seminars and briefings, helped coordinate meetings with her constituted group of which I, automatically, became a pillar (ha, ha) of, in a disguised attempt to please the chairperson. My heart, however, was not fully into the act, yet.

Until Melvin Yabut, the nephew of Mayor Nemesio Yabut, tried to dissuade her from pushing through with the Bantay ng Bayan exercise. A seething anger slowly found its way into my political consciousness. The fear, however, of violence marring the proceedings also manifested itself in the face of this real, dangerous threat. Little by little…… much to my discomfiture, I was being inexorably drawn into the social upheaval.

D-Day, February 7, 1986. Most of our apprehensiveness were dramatized into life-sized reality. There was rampant cheating, harassment, a pervading atmosphere of tension. At the lunch hour, NAMFREL’s Over-All Chairman Jose Concepcion declared a “Failure of Elections” and we were ordered to pull out and upon orders of Fernando Zobel De Ayala, our NAMFREL chairman for this side of Makati, we regrouped at the Sanctuario de San Antonio parish hall. Amid the shouting, catcalls, sporadic debates, a general consensus was reached to proceed and stand vigil at the Guadalupe Viejo Elementary School in Barrio Pinagkaisahan, where other beleaguered colleagues were valiantly holding fort. The newspaper accounts of what transpired there should suffice to relate that episode.

Eventually, the road to our freedom fight that day ended at the Makati Municipal Hall quadrangle. Or, should I say, started? From that day on, we stood vigil in a vain attempt to ensure that the true election results would be reflected. During that 2-week or so vigil, the place became a veritable Freedom Park and a holiday plaza of sorts. It was there where the nation’s opposition’s who’s who converged together with the small and insignificant who(?). I recall one gentlemen who prided himself as an advertising man, mouthing sharp, biting radicalisms that were, at times, downright seditious. But, he was not only clearly motivated. He was sincerely committed to the cause of change. He was there everyday and I sort of felt embarrassed if I could not go on vigil a certain day for some reason or another. So, my wife and I spent a memorable, historic, unromantic evening on Valentine’s Day dialoguing with Jojo Binay and Atty. Untalan who were carping about another ineffectual day they had with the local COMELEC.

Our Makati vigil went full cycle the night, or should I say the day (it was already 5:00 am of February 15) we brought the returns to the Batasan. I, myself, was sure of the rigged results and didn’t want to dignify the proceedings by playing out the entire anti-climactic scene. But, for some, foolhardy reason…what the heck. We went.

Back at Olympia Village, all “the king’s men” were strutting about, beating their chests, and singing hallelujahs. Some, bless their hearts, were at least patronizing, if not condescending.

I did not want to show my true color ( yellow—perhaps a bit literally than was the norm) when we joined the TAGUMPAY NG BAYAN walkathon cum rally at the Luneta. In fact, I even surreptitiously emerged from out front gate to avoid the sabi-ko-na-nga-ba dagger looks of the Yabut cohorts.

I loved that march and was proud of it. It was the longest march I walked and although I developed what a nice doctor-friend called a “revolutionary’s knee,” it reminded me of that warm feeling of belonging, as esprit de corps that brings out the brotherhood in every freedom-loving Filipino.

Cory Aquino sounded the clarion for civil disobedience and boycott of crony-associated products and services. I booed against doing without San Miguel Beer for an indefinite period but I tried my best to heed her call.

An awakened, nationalistic spirit needs very little reason to manifest itself. Thus, upon, Cardinal Sin’s appeal for “people power” at Crame, off we immediately hied to lend Enrile and Ramos warm and sacrificial bodies on February 22. At the back of my mind, was the nagging thought that the “authorities” would really do us in—regardless of whether or not we were there for the “We Belong” spirit. I know this was no picnic and if there was going to be real trouble, magkakasubuan na.

We parked our cars near Gate 4 of Camp Aguinaldo and walked along EDSA all the way to the front gate of Camp Crame. We milled about in company of about a few hundred others since this was still the first hour of Cardinal Sin’s call at Radio Veritas, where our ears were glued to radio sets, all the while. A little over an hour had passed and I noticed that the throng was getting larger and multiplying fast! Soon, the crowd was so dense I had difficulty tracking down the members of our little group.

Like in the Makati vigil, the same familiar personalities were there: Leah Navarro, Celeste Legaspi and hubby, June Keithley, Jaime Ongpin and the superstar herself, Nora Aunor who promptly got the booing of her life.

Despite the radio sets almost everyone were lugging around, communicating information was harried and passed by primitive word-of-mouth. We left EDSA, trod our way along Santolan and installed ourselves in front of the gate of the MND Building when frantic calls for support to barricade was transmitted along the grapevine.

My thoughts then were: 1.) my poor car could be trampled over a by tank coming out of Gate 4 and here I was helplessly way off on the opposite side; 2.) We could also be ran over by other tanks coming out of the Santolan side of the camp. As the hours ticked away, it was, to me, getting to be serious. We may even get to be seriously dead.

Suddenly, a bright idea flashed as I fussed over the dilemma of holding out with the barricading multitude. The rumbling of my stomach gave me a convenient excuse to strongly suggest a temporary pull-out. “Let’s have snacks and coffee at my in-laws place at Project 4,” I declared. Everyone succumbed to the call of nature, hunger included, when I assured them we would be back after relieving ourselves, (from hunger, too!).

I commandeered a passing taxicab, piled all eight of us into the vehicle, and amidst the wailing protestations of the driver, proceeded to out destination. We stayed long enough to savor a few tarts, coffee, and lots of encouragement from the olds, who were beglowing with pride. I thought, “God, they do seem really happy sending me to my certain doom. Why is it I feel real creepy about this impending martyrdom?”

Back at the frontlines between the EDSA gates of Camps Crame and Aguinaldo. It was almost five o’clock am of February 23 and the ranks look depleted by the retreat of large groups who were either losing heart, like me, or intended to shore up on courage and provisions. Again, it literally dawned upon me that it was a good enough excuse for us to be heading back for home. Without looking too eager, I suggested we hear mass first before we make our way back since a makeshift platform was already set up for the forthcoming rite.

I was still without sleep as I kept my regular Sunday tennis appointment. My tennis cronies were surprisingly lukewarm to my announcement that I came from EDSA, alive and playing the game of my life. Well, perhaps it was because they were so used to the graphic accounts of my NAMFREL exploits…but then, reminiscing, I now realize they were merely reacting normally, like the closet loyalists they must be. Then again, it’s alright because we play apolitical tennis, naman.

I slept and stayed home for the day, Sunday, February 24 content with following the events over the radio and on TV, whatever information was being shown. My wife, I was to learn from her later, went back to EDSA and bought a vanful of huge cigarette shippers to use as sleeping mats for some nuns and NAMFREL volunteers.

As I prepared for the office Monday morning of February 25, I switched on the TV, hoping to get news of the traffic situation going to Cubao. Pres. Marcos and the entire family were displayed onscreen. As I was about to turn up the volume, the phone rings. Rudy Corpuz agitately announces there is dancing and merriment in the streets, particularly along Ayala Avenue, right in front of Insular Life. “Marcos is gone!” he shouts into the receiver. “What? How is that possible?” I shouted back.

“It’s all over the radio, man. Aren’t you awake yet?” he chides.

I snapped back, “Well, you better check again because here I am with the TV and the guy and his flock is also all over the screen, a bit haggard and drowsy, but very much alive with his grandchildren prancing about!”

He was still unconvinced suggesting that what was on TV was just a reply of some old tape, etc., even as I gave him a running commentary on what was flashing before me. Finally, we agreed on meeting after lunch and hike to EDSA.

All the while, I wondered where the wife was, fleetingly worried for her safety and perished the thought just as quickly. (I found out later that she stayed all day and all night in Malacanang and was there at the exact time that the Marcoses left. She even brought home with her documents from Malacanang and some cuttings from the wires (concertinas) used as barricades).

There were four of us from Insular Life (Amado Resurreccion, Rudy Corpuz, Agustin Fabon and I ) on that fateful journey. We first took a jeepney ride up to the Guadalupe Bridge from our place at Olympia Village. Once there, a bus took us only up to Shaw Blvd. From that point, we walked.

It was a long walk. But, it was a memorable walk. Barricades were already up at the Ortigas-EDSA junction, some not-so-human (steel railings, cement blocks, sandbags, tree branches, cars, trucks, etc). People were coming and going, but mostly going to the Crame-Aguinaldo portion of the highway. I have never seen so many people in my life congregated altogether in one place. There were student groups, doctor groups, peasant (and Red?) types, it seemed all of Metro Manila wanted to be there.

There was hardly any breathing room as we reached Crame’s EDSA gate. I saw Marilou Diaz Abaya directing the filming of the spectacle atop a pick-up. I was so near suffocation, however, to dally and catch the camera’s attention.

We inched our way up to Camp Panopio gate where we tried getting in in the guise of food volunteers. No way. We spent some time dawdling about until we decided to move on towards the Horseshoe Drive. From there, we took a left, and made our way back to Makati. I was so tired I couldn’t even carry a conversation. But I thought, “Marcos is doomed. There is no way he can disperse this crowd now. It’s only a matter of time. The people have, at least, spoken, and won!”

Each one, surprisingly, share the same belief and felt victory will soon be at hand. So what did we do? We celebrated and got inebriated. Was it just because we were looking for a convenient excuse to forego the beer boycott? Perhaps it was. But, I was also so happy then. The waitresses even warned us a curfew was then in effect. No one gave a hoot. We chorused, “Oh, really?” So, let them arrest us!”

We continued drinking and celebrated our freedom one full day ahead of history.

Photo by: Clyde Manzano

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Si MaArti at Si MaDrama

2009-07-30T11:41:00.003+08:00

Napaisip ako... "Maswerte nga siya."

Mga dalawang taon na din ako nagaantay ng pagkakataon. Makita lang, makasama, kwentuhan, inuman -- kahit pa tubig lang. Gusto ko lang talaga siya pero ang magulo don, hindi ko alam kung gusto nya din ako. Minsan iniisip ko oo, gusto nya din ako. Pero parang malabo pa din. Hirap kasi nya i-pinta.

Pumasok ka?

Pmaz0k akow. Bkt?, reply nya.

Binabakla pa din nya ako. Palitan ko daw kasi ang "s" ng "z" para mas zozyal. At dapat daw parang mayroon akong braces or singaw para bawat labas ng salit sa bibig ko parang hirap na hirap ako.

Absent?, YM ko sa kanya.

Nada, sagot nya.

Kasi invisi(ble) nanaman.

Hahaha gnun tlga!

Kala ko tuloy di ka naka pasok.

Hahaha!

Ayy zorri pazok pala.

Anu ggwin mo kng d ako nkpasok?, tanong nya.

Eh padadalan ka ng sopas sa bahay mo.

Haha, sopas tlga. Very provincia.

Hehehe! And very sweet, sabi ko.

And very drama. Hahaha!

And very arti!, sabay ngiti habang nakatitig sa harap ng computer ko.

Hahahah namaernch!, sagot nya.

Ayaw nya kasi ng ma-drama. Ayaw nyang pinaguusapan ang mga bagay ukol sa puso. Mailap nga kasi siya sa mga ganong bagay. Dinadaan ko na lang sa biro. Pero ang totoo gusto ko lang siyang mapaamin. Mahirap lang talaga. Mas gusto nya daw kasi na pinaparamdam na lang kaysa sinasabi.

Hindi naman siguro siya papayag makasama ako kung ayaw nya. Siguro nga.

Ikunuwento nya ang mga nangyari. Napapailing ako kapag binabanggit nya ang pangalan nung isa. Yung salarin kung bakit halos walong buwan akong di nagparamadam sa kanya. Ayaw ko din kasi magmukhang tanga pa at umasa. Siguro nga mabait lang talaga ako. Alam ko din kasi kung saan dapat lumugar ng ayon. Sabi nya pinagsawaan daw siya. Hindi ko lubos maisip kung paano nangyari yun. Ang asa loob ko lang masyado siyang masarap makasama para pag sawaan. Mas malaki pa palang tanga yung isa kaysa sa akin. Magkaibigan daw sila pero parang nararamdaman ko pa ding may pagtingin siya sa kanya.

Gusto mo pa ba siya?

Noong kahihiwalay pa lang, oo.

May kumirot ng onti. Madrama nga kasi.

Eh baket di kayo magkabalikan?

Di naman kasi siya nakikipagbalikan eh. Saka, wala akong nakitang pagbabago.

Isa pa rin daw siyang matanda na may utak ng isang bata. Immature ika nga.

Dapat nakuntento na ako sa sagot nya. Pero mashado na ako maraming pinagdaanan para malaman din na dapat na lang akong manahimik. Nakuntento na lang ako sa pag titig sa mukha nya. Pinagmamasdan bawat kilos, bawat tingin, bawat ngiti. Masarap maramdaman pero mahirap din. May onting sakit, onting asim pero nawawala din dahil naalala kong kasama ko siya ngayon. Para sa akin, ok na yun sa ngayon. Bahala na bukas.

Naisip ko, maswerte yung isa, yung dating mahal nya. Pero maswerte na din ako ngayon at kasama ko siya. Yun nga lang, mas maswerte pa din yung isa kasi minahal niya. Sana ako din.... balang araw.

Magdadalawang taon na pero hindi pa din ako nagsasawa. Kinikilig pag nakikita. Natutuwa pag nakaksama. Masaya pag kausap.

May drama, kaonting arte pero umaasa pa din na bukas makalawa sana, makita niya na ako yung taong sasalubong sa kanya pag uwi. Makikinig sa kwento ng araw nya. Nakangiti.

Masaya.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Last Viewing

2009-07-29T17:25:00.003+08:00

Last night I was invited to watch an indie film at SM Megamall... and I was "the date." It stared Janice De Belen, Leondro Baldemor (who was soooo freakin' hot!) and Sherwin Ordonez. It's very rare that I get to go to premier nights nowadays. Back when I was a tad bit younger this was 'my thang.' I loved playing dress-up and walking the not-so-long and not-so-red carpet.

He invited me a few days back to watch it with him. I actually found it sweet considering we've only gone out a few times. Nevertheless, I was still eager to go. I met some of his friends, equally stylish and dressed to the nines. I wasn't just about to be left out. HA!

True to Filipino form and customs, the movie ticket indicated 7:30pm and we arrived 6:45pm... and the movie started oh, about an hour later. Is it just me or do Filipinos never really value time?

The movie was interesting enough. It was about a single mother with an autistic child who worked for a crematorium. For some of you who may not know, a "last viewing" means you're invited to go inside and take a look at your dead loved one for the very last time before he/she gets cremated. I initially thought having this kind of title for a movie was a bit morbid and thus had my suspicions of the film. I am not an avid fan of Janice but I've seen some of her more serious films and thought she was a great actress.

Laura (Janice deBelen) was portrayed to be cold, distant and even heartless. She had a troubled past having been sent away from home and disowned by her own father after having a baby out of wed-lock. In our culture, this is still very much a taboo and looked down upon. The plot actually revolved on Laura's search for her daughter after she went missing one afternoon. Being detached helped her move on with her daily life still keeping that glimmer of hope to one day find her daughter.

To be quite honest, I found the first 40 minutes or so of the film boring. I found the story went too slow and took too long to establish itself. I remember even looking at my watch wondering what time I'd be home. But it does get better. There were a few comedy kicks every now and then enough to keep you glued to your seat.

The best part of the story actually comes in the end, so I suggest you see it through. A real tear-jerker so I strongly advise to prepare the necessary items --- hanky, tissue, or even a sleeve of the one beside you.

Kudos to the team who worked their a**es off for 6-days of non-stop shooting. One being the guy I'm currently going out with. I especially liked the character of the aunt of Laura. She brought the best comic relief for the film.... hands-down!

This is what I like about indie films, they bring out the freshness of the actors. You get to see them on a different light outside the glitter of some mainstream film they did before. It seemed more real, more emotional, more dramatic, and more inspired.

I think this is Janice's best work --- yet.
|picture grabbed from:http://www.noypitayo.com/2009/07/janice-de-belen-in-last-viewing-movie-trailer/|

Directed by Ronaldo Bertubin written by Romualdo Avellanosa. The film will be showing regularly starting Aug 5, 2009 in Metro Manila.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Saturday Night Nausea

2009-07-20T14:34:00.004+08:00

On my near-epic quest to find that one person in the world I was meant to be with, I set out to our usual hang-out on Saturday nights--- BED Malate for a much needed break from the monotony of my alone-ness. Although I wasn’t really there looking for a perfect mate, I am on the lookout. But on this particular Saturday night, I decided to dress down and chillax with friends over a few drinks and nice conversation. Or so I thought.

We were sms-ing early evening basically asking each other superficial questions from “what are you doing?” to “are you busy?” My mobile phone was heating up with so many text messages coming in and out. V and I were sms-ing about her new found love. I was flirting with a couple of guys. And my mother buzzed from time to time as well asking how I was.

I finally ended up inviting this guy to go out as a “make peace” gesture for him ditching me the previous night. You see what happened was, last Friday our office was called off due to bad weather conditions and I decided to meet up with some friends and invited this particular guy to hang out with us. It took a while to convince him but I thought to myself I’d like someone to be with when I met up with all my coupled friends. To cut the very lengthy and boring story short, he canceled last minute. And after begging me forgiveness that Saturday was supposed to be his way to make it up to me. Since I believe that some people deserve a second chance, I said yes to meet him which turned out to be a pretty huge mistake.

He arrived almost an hour late. I was already sms-ing V about how pissed off I was. She said I should just ditch the guy and head to Malate. And I almost did that too. But I waited with every minute passing getting even more irritated. He finally arrived and if I remember correctly didn’t even apologize for being THAT late. Or if he did, I didn’t see the sincerity on that apology thus easily forgotten. Anyway, since it was already late and I was already itching to drink. We headed to Malate. The cab ride was extremely awkward though I was trying to lighten things up already. This guy was just too dense or perhaps even inexperienced in the matters of dating. I was beginning to pity him. The only good think about the cab ride was the program on radio that we ended up listening to and laughing our asses off.

It was 97.1, Barangay LS Forever and the program was with a DJ named “Papa Dan” which played Sheryl Cruz’s Mr. Dreamboy in the background the whole time --- a tad bit nauseating really. But what was hilarious about this was the concept of the program. It was P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C! Basically, the DJ would invite two callers, one female and one male, and match them up in an annoying attempt to entertain the entire country. On this particular call, the DJ asked them to do a little “skit” pretending that that guy was asking the girl on the other phone out. Which turned out to be a real thing after the ear-bleeding phone call finally ended.

***
DJ Dan: So, saan mo siya dadalhin para sa date nyo?

Guy: Sa magandang lugar. Doon sa malamig at maganda ang tanawin.

DJ Dan: (injects a lame joke about an ice plant.) Ah talaga saan ba ang asa isip mo na maganda ang tanawin at malamig?

Guy: Sa Baywalk!

It was infuriating and funny at the same time. I never knew I could feel both almost at the same time.

Guy: Pwede ba itanong kung anong size mo? Chubby ka ba or mataba? (There’s a difference--- tinagalog mo lang eh?!?)

Girl: Slim ako. Fit. S-I-xy. (That’s right, she said it with an ‘I’ not ‘E’)

DJ Dan: Meron ka bang kamukhang artista? Sino?

Girl: Meron. Si Angelica Panganiban! (with a very strong Visayan accent)

Guy: WOW!

Girl: Oo, 26 ang size ko! (Size of what??? IQ?)

***

After a few more drinks, my other friends finally arrived and we were finally off to BED. Being at the club was like a social gathering of sorts. Since technically it was one of only two gay clubbing scenes in Metro Manila, you were more likely to meet EXs in an orderly manner. First upon entering the club, one or two would probably greet you, then another while you’re dancing your butt off and then one more as you make your way to the exit pissed drunk. In my case, I saw them randomly across the dance floor. And then you’d see a few more people, not (E)Xs but more of “(WH)Ys.” People you’d either gone out with that never really worked out or someone you’d like to go out with but couldn’t. Again, on my case, I saw both… and more.

In the variety of old and new people you’d meet there it makes one wonder why anybody could still be single. The gay population in Manila has exploded to what seemingly felt like a “fad.” I remember when it was so much easier to find a relationship --- gay meets boy, boy turned out to be straight, gay meets gay, falls in love and cheats eventually, gay meets another and the deadly cycle goes continues. Nowadays, most people had re-defined the concept of love and relationships. And while it’s true that there is a remote possibility of finding your one true love, one could only ask--- is it really out there? And if it is, the million dollar question comes to mind: “Where (the hell) is it?!”

My journey has been long, tedious and sometimes even utterly frustrating. Failed dates aren’t exactly my idea of good living. But one could only try until eventually it becomes right. After all, you could only try to pick the bad apples from the basket in the hopes that you’ll find something golden eventually.

In the many opportunities that life throws at you, one could only hope and pray that the great Odyssey of your life leads you not astray from home. Where, hopefully, someone will be waiting for you and your great journey ends only to begin anew.

Now isn’t that worth waiting for?

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

On A Rainy Friday, I Wrote About My Friends

2009-07-17T17:20:00.003+08:00

On a very cold, wet, rainy Friday, I spent the afternoon in one coffee shop with my bestfriend. She studied and I, well, wrote. Thinking about what to write is not a very daunting task for me. As far as I’m concerned the few things that I write about well are relationships, heartaches and the eternal longing to be with someone. And yet on this particular rainy afternoon, I find it difficult to write about what I’m feeling. Perhaps because as of right now, I don’t feel anything and I begin to wonder if I’m losing it. Have I become too jaded about the entire concept of love that it evades me even in writing?

I don’t think so.

A few days back, my friends and I got together for our usual coffee-chit-chat-bonding moment. We met at Starbucks Rockwell and began the tedious, very detailed updating of our lives. My variety of friends would surprise you. And while I do have a lot of them, I also have my fair share of not-so-good friends slash enemies – or to be politically correct, I treat them now as mere acquaintances. We do our usual Hi’s and Hello’s but nothing deeper than that. I’ve learned to distance myself from people who usually have the tendency to hurt my back with their knives. Specifically, some people from the office.

We got into thinking about the lives we each live. Some of us have been friends for over 10 years and others just a few years short of that. So you could just imagine how close some, if not all of us have been through the years. In a nutshell, we know each others’ D-I-R-T. We’ve experienced the lows and highs of our friendship but we remained, fortunately, steadfast as friends.

But what’s truly amazing about it is that regardless of our mistakes, we never judged each other. Sure we clash from time to time but we never really allow it to stand in the way of friendship. There’s D, who of all the people I’ve known may quite possibly experienced the true craziness of being in love. She allowed herself to be in too deep waters with a man she could never have and even produced proof of that. TWICE. And while her mistake was treated as a blessing, we do worry about her and the path she’s currently taking. We all know that the hardship is just starting and we are pretty much ready to stand by her side all the way. Probably even bang her head against a brick wall from time to time to wake her up.

Then there’s “M” and “A,” whose relationship has lasted more than I initially thought possible. Their personalities are so different from each other that often I wonder how they do it. But when I really stop to think about it, it’s all about the love. However you may define it. I guess you could call them lucky to have found each other with all the complications surrounding their relationship. Then, another couple, “R” and “A,” that like the other couple have very different personalities that somehow seem to complement each other. It wouldn’t come as a surprise if they finally end up together with a dozen kids to which we are all godparents to.

There’s “A” and “B,” who have been together near forever. And while no relationship is perfect, theirs seem to portray an ideal one. Rarely that I even hear them fighting or that one has a problem with another. They’re that good a perception management.

My close friend “V” who is probably the toughest woman I’ve ever known. We often joke that she has evolved --- becoming a man, or at least thinking like one. She has the biggest ego of anyone I know and yet could love like no one ever could. She’s a tough nut to crack but when you do finally get to what’s inside; you’d be surprised to find a golden heart inside. She could hide her feelings to everyone but a few when needed and could bark at a stupid and irritating stranger in a second. I could only pray that she finally finds someone to make her happy and treat her like the ‘princess’ she is.

Then there’s my bestfriend --- as the word implies, best and friend. Not much to say but she already knows how important she is in my life as much as I would like to think that I’m equally important to hers. Our bond couldn’t be stronger.

And then there are all my other friends who as I met in many, many different occasions and some not even seen in years, remained to be very dear friends to me.

And then there’s me. Well, you all know what I’m like. But I’d also like to believe that I’m as much important to all my friends as they are to me, I'm also as important to them. So really, who needs more, when I already found enough for this lifetime and perhaps even the next? For the longest time, I’ve always been bothered by the fact that I cannot please everyone. But I realized it’s enough for me to please these few. I know I’ll keep them for as long as I could --- at least until I find the one person worth keeping above all the rest.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Wanted: Love, Sex and (maybe even) Magic

2009-07-09T15:15:00.002+08:00

Times have changed. People have evolved and the more they have the less important it seems for most people to be in love. And yet why do people still insist on finding it? Even if we are all aware how elusive it can be. The other day I saw a mentally challenged (autistic) person on TV and out of the blue it hit me. Will this person ever get married? Does she even care if she doesn’t?
Compared to most ‘normal’ people, others who are afflicted with some kind of mental illness, physical incapacity, or emotional turmoil are the most who are in need of love. And yet, are they capable of loving the same way as everyone else does? On some level, they know if they love someone. They were taught what kind of feeling that is but for them it’s very simple. They care and show their affection in one way or another, and thus define it as love. No complications. No math. No rocket science. No fuzz. They say what they feel when they feel it. Whether or not it’s reciprocated, never bothered them. But for us who are considered ‘normal’, it’s as difficult to say, find, or even feel love as the proverbial needle on a haystack. We put so much pressure and thought to it that we’ve become incapable of defining what love is in its true value. We’ve become jaded. Not able to differentiate love from lust or affection from attraction. Are they luckier because they don’t understand or are we, because while we are capable of understanding, we often refuse to do so?

Throughout time, love has been defined and changed by different cultures, religion, beliefs and even science. Intrapersonal, interpersonal, platonic, physical, physiological, etc, etc and somehow with all these definitions it become more confusing. In our quest to give rhyme or reason to this feeling we end up failing to understand that love CANNOT be defined. There could only be poems written about it, movies created for it, music composed to express it and yet it remains vaguely familiar. Like a distant echo or a fleeting whisper, you know what it is but you just can’t seem to figure it out. Until it calls out to you again and again, little by little you begin to learn, you begin to understand. And even then, you still stumble from time to time.

Sex on the other hand is easier to define. It has no complications. Its two bodies intertwined, locked in a tight embrace and hopefully later rather than sooner, both reaches orgasm. And when it’s done, it’s done. You either produce something out of it or throw it away and get ready for the next. Simple, right? In the past, I’ve made the mistake of confusing sex with love or the other way around. I vowed never to make the same mistake again. It truly made me a better person, I think. Less drama in my life, less complications, less jerks to jerk around or less time to spend thinking what I’ve done wrong. By learning the ‘less’ of things, I have more.

In the whole gayness of my world, love is very difficult to find nowadays. Considering it’s a relatively small gay world we live in. The problem lies on the fact that gay guys like to share, even if the other partner doesn’t know it or want that set-up.
Every weekend or so, I usually go to my hangout in Malate. Not trying to find true love but to basically have a good time, which I fortunately have everytime I go there. Still, I couldn’t help but keep my fingers-crossed, eyes opened wide and be on the lookout. After all, one could never know when it will come. It usually catches you on your most unguarded moment and I, being the eternal vain gay that I am, would not want to be caught dead in all my un-fabulous-ness. I don’t want love to come one day and I would look like crap and he’d rather be looking elsewhere. Wouldn’t want to miss that chance now would I?

I am still very optimistic about the entire love thing. And even if I’m coming to my 2 year ‘singlehood’ anniversary, I have never given up hope. I may have had a lot of hit and miss but one day I just might hit the cherry. And by then I would probably hear bells, maybe even angels or even see fireworks. It might feel like magic. It might feel like something else. Whatever the case maybe, I’m ready to be hurt only to experience love again. So come, HURT ME! Hurt me bad --- If only to feel, if only to love once more. If only to have that ever so glorious ‘meltdown’ only to rise up and have the fantastic make-up sex after. Now who says, love, sex and yes, maybe even magic can’t all go together?

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Unfortunately, It is Very Unfortunate. (@#!?*!)

2009-06-24T13:39:00.004+08:00

It's pretty hard to recreate the blog that I did last Monday when I lost my laptop to yet another robbery. It's amazing how more and more people are losing their souls everyday. Just to give you an update, I was actually hanging out at my regular coffee shop in Boni Ave, Bean Perk when all of a sudden out of nowhere some a-hole grabbed my laptop from right under my nose quite literally. I was in complete and utter shock. I just couldn't fathom the idea of being robbed while having coffee, a smoke and typing -- the three favorite things that I often do. It's been two days but every now and then the entire unfortunate event flashes before my eyes like a recurring nightmare. And to add insult to injury, the Area Manager there Camille Mendiolla, seemed to be hiding something. I was asking for the name of the owner to file a formal complaint but this Camille person kept saying I should the address the complaint to her. And so, I will. But if anyone of you guys know the owner of the Bean Perk Coffee Shop in Boni Avenue, do let me know so I may share my frustration on their lack of security there. Anyhooo....

It got me thinking how many soul-less demons are running around the streets of Manila. Has the effects of this economic regression really affected everyone? It's unheard of, stealing a laptop right under your nose. I've heard of cellphones, cameras, bags, jewelry, but laptop? While you're typing? At a coffee shop? Unbelievable! Nowhere is safe! While the dirty politicians remain ever so dirty, the streets of Manila are exploding with crime. When I filed to the incident to the Mandaluyong City Hall Police Station, they showed me a bunch of mug-shots. Hoping that I would identify the culprit, I looked for hours at those pictures. To my surprise some were actually working, or at least formally working as police officers. The people who were suppose to be protecting us are now doing the crime. It was then when I realized that this country was really going to the dogs. Apparently after serving the force, it was time to join the other side. The bad side. Not to mention that most of those thieves, robbers, etc, were already back on the streets doing the same thing. What an efficient justice system we have don't you think?! (For those who didn't get it, there was a hint of sarcasm there!)

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to identify the thief who stole my laptop, and oh, did I mention it was an Apple laptop. The faces lingered on my mind for a couple of hours even after I've gone home. I was thinking that while I was looking at the pictures, they all looked the same. Does all soul-less people look the same? I'm not kidding, they really looked similar. Perhaps it was their grin, their smirk, their eyes, or something --- but there was definitely something. Eerie, right?

Actually when I was doing that blog article, I was channeling a very happy emotion. How ironic right? Just when I was writing about how happy I am now, this happens. It got me into thinking if the Lord was trying to tell me something. Maybe it's His way of saying I'm forgetting and this was a way for Him to remind me. I was never religious but I was never sacrilegious and blasphemous neither; and my friends would attest to that. I respect religion, I just don't practice one. I believe in a God, I just never believed that I should go to mass to be closer to him. But yes, I do forget to pray. I'm guilty of being one of those people who calls to Him only on times of despair.

My bestfriend told me that I should break this pattern. There was something I was doing wrong to attract those negative elements to my life. And even though I found it hard to believe, a part of me wanted to. It's not easy being happy when you're bombarded with so many negative things that puts you down.

If only life were a little kinder, a little more considerate, a little more understanding, a little easier. If only we live in a perfect world, where everyone loved one another, where peace ruled mankind, where there's no rich or poor, only good and no bad.

But it isn't... and so we move on just as life often does.

Still, it feels damn shitty!

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

My Newest Banner

2009-06-19T23:00:00.001+08:00

Long overdue to create an online portfolio. Created this banner for that purpose. Tell me what you think ok?

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Finding Leon

2009-06-07T21:59:00.000+08:00

Another month, another hour, another moment when you see your life passes you by while all the rest moves to a slow but steady pace.

He woke up and realized that he didn’t dream. It was real after all. It went by and he didn’t even notice. He was too busy. He started making excuses to make himself feel better. There wasn’t anything left to do. It had already gone. He missed it and no matter how he thought of chasing after it, it can no longer be seen.

And so, he sat and waited for that door to open. He watched as shadows from outside moved about. He heard voices, undecipherable murmurs of people talking but still he did not stand up. He continued to watch the shadows moving and imagined them dancing. He pretended there was music and he began singing. No one could hear him so he sang louder. He sang until there wasn’t anything else to sing. It was 2 o’clock in the morning and he had forgotten about it. He sang because there was no one. He sang because he preferred that over crying. It didn’t come. Perhaps it had forgotten about him too.

He gazed outside and watched as the sun was rising. It felt warm and it reminded him of how that same warmth was what he yearned for. He wanted to say the words but the words didn’t come. He ran outside and chased the sunlight forgetting his sandals. He ran barefoot and felt that the grass was still wet from the rain the previous night. He ran in circles enjoying the cold morning and the warm sun hitting his face. He was happy – happier but he wanted more. He wanted to share his happiness to another; that one person to make the entire wait seem worth it. The one person to say it was alright to be himself. He was loved anyway.

He wanted to find him and say "Hi!"

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Updates on VCon09

2009-06-01T12:54:00.005+08:00

I've been so darn busy these past few days that I have not been able to update any of my social networking sites properly.

FACEBOOK = Trying to upload pictures but for some FREAKIN' reason, I could not! Shoutout works though. UHUH!

Friendster = Haven't uploaded or done anything on this for about 6 months already. Passe` much! HAHAHA!

Multiply = Also couldn't upload photos which I took from our event. Over 2500 of them as of today.

Twitter = Hmmm...

Well, I'll post something soon.

Good thing about me being here though. FANS, lotsa fans! HAHAHA!

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Yosi, Wine at Mata sa Bintana.

2009-05-11T12:06:00.003+08:00

***Isang liham sa may akda.***
**Note: PG recommended. LOL!

Hindi ko lubusang maisip kung baket napakatindi ng kamandag ng kanyang petchay. Parang tila may nakabalot na misteryo ito at lahat ng nakakatikim ay sadyang nahuhumaling.

Eto ang kwento ng kung paano ang isang ordinaryong gabi na sa ‘di inaakalang pangyayari binago ang aking buhay bakla.

Ako ay isang bakla. Bata pa lamang ako ay napapansin na ng aking mga kamag-anak, kapit-bahay, at ibang pang taong nakakasalamuha ang aking kakaibang kilos. Malamya daw ako para sa isang batang lalaki. Mahinhin daw at mahilig makipaglaro sa mga babae. Noon, sa aking buong pagaakala wala akong ginagawang masama. Eh ano ngayon kung mahilig akong makipaglaro sa mga babae. Eh ano kung mas magaling ako sa volleyball kaysa sa basketball. Eh ano kung ang paborito naming laro ay 10-20, Chinese garter, limbo rock, si Nena (ayy bata pa… kaya’t ang sabi nya uhmmm-ahhh-uhhhmmm-ahh-ahh!) at shake-shake-shampoo. Para sa akin wala akong ginagawang masama. Naglalaro lang. Walang malisya.

Pero di naglaon at sa aking pagtanda unti-unting nagbago ang aking pananaw sa aking noon pa ma’y kaduda-dudang ng pagkalalaki. Habang unti-unti kong natutuhan ang mga kamunduhan ng laman doon ko din napagtanto na ako nga ay isang binabae. Ngunit kailanman hindi ko ninais na maging babae. Nagkakagusto, umiibig, at nalilibugan lang ako sa kapwa lalaki. Yun lang.

Matagal-tagal na din akong umamin sa aking mga magulang sa aking piniling daan at sa kabutihang palad, tanggap naman nila ako. Pero sa kasukdulan ng aking kabaklaan may mga ilang paninindigan pa din akong sinusunod.
1. Huwag na huwag magbabayad ng lalaki para sa libog lamang
2. Huwag umibig sa tunay na lalaki
3. Huwag ng umasa na magkakaroon ng teknolohiya baling araw para gawin tayong mga bakla na tunay na babae --- matres at kung ano-ano pa.
4. Ipaglaban ang karapatang kabadingan --- di naman ako aktibista, di lang nagpapaabuso.

At madami pang iba. Nakakatamad na lamang ilista.

Pero sa mga alituntunin kong ito may isa pa aking hindi nagagwa… pumasok sa isang “gay bar” (hindi club), manood ng mga lalaking hubad na nagsasayaw at manood ng torohan kung meron man. Ngunit sa gabing iyon naranasan ko ang pangyayaring nagpabago ng aking buhay.

-0-

Para siyang kuneho kung umariba. Buong akala ko ay magigiba ang kama. Pinapanood ko lamang sila sa bintana habang nagyoyosi, umiinom ng wine at may kausap sa telepono doon sa may veranda.

Parang mga hayup. Dumadagungdong na parang kinakatay na baboy ang kanilang mga halinghing. Kung makapagsasalita lamang ang mga ding-ding, pader at muwebles ng kanyang maliit na apartment marahil maloloka ka din sa mga ikukuwento nito. Kung ano-anong kahalayan. Ibang klase.

Nakakalat ang kanilang mga saplot. Isang oras. Walang tigil ang sarap. Walang humpay ang pagnanasang magiba ang kama. Iba-Ibang pwesto. Parang pa-sirko-sirko. Para akong nanonood ng perya. Minsan asa itaas ang paa, minsan asa sahig ang ulo. Palakas ng palakas ang mga hiyaw. Ibang klase. Kakaonti na lang at muntik na akong sumugod sa loob para makatikim.

Matapos ang palabas parang walang nangyaro. Balik lahat sa dati. Balik inuman. Balik kwentuhan. Casual lang.

“Ang laki-laki!”
“Halika! Hawakan mo.”
“Ayaw ko nga!!!”
“Dali na, ok lang yan sa kanya.”

Kinuha niya ang aking kamay at pinahawak. “Hindi pa man ito galit, wika nya.” Sabay isang malakas na sigaw.

Umuwi akong tulala. Hindi pa din makapaniwala. Binago nila ang buhay ko. Ibang klase.

Disclaimer: Story is purely fictional ---- OR IS IT?! =D
Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: On Loneliness

2009-04-25T22:31:00.000+08:00

It’s been a long time. A really, really long time since I’ve felt that jolt of excitement upon meeting that single person whom you know will change your life. And no matter how hard you try to mask the loneliness that envelopes your being, it does show.

Yes, I feel lonely.

For about three years now, I’ve been into places that most people cannot even pronounce. I’ve met people whose names seem peculiar and to a certain extent even laughable. I’ve worked my ass off for a company that I love primarily because of my bosses and some people whom I genuinely want to help. I’ve done so many things, bought so many material wants, and played (errr, not at my proudest moment) with feelings of emotions and love.

And yes, I still feel lonely.

Not many would and can own up to the fact that you are lonely. Most would just pretend. And others simply ignore their loneliness and/or drown themselves into nonsense activities to fill the void that they are truly feeling. While very few called “the lucky ones” feel perfectly content. But not to be misled, at some point in their lives they too felt lonely. But when fate turned and smiled on them, they felt lonely no more. Like I said, lucky.

Recently, I’ve been meeting a lot of interesting guys -- the point of interest being that they’re in a relationship for years with their partner. And the best part is they find me interesting too. Am I destined to such relationships? Meeting people who are committed and I, as you may have already guessed become the… “If only.”

If only we met earlier.
If only I met you 6, 5, 3 years earlier.
If only I wasn’t committed… (I’d be with you!)
If only I were single.
If only I didn’t love my partner so much.
If only I weren’t in a rocky relationship that I’m still fighting to work out.
If only you’re willing to be my Number 2.

That’s the thing, I don’t feel and deserve like being number 2. I still believe I’m destined to be someone’s number 1 – wanted to say THE ONLY ONE but that seems asking for too much nowadays. It’s unfair to be even asked of such, don’t you think? To be the panakip-butas because there’s something you (I) could give that the other person either can’t or won’t.

-0-
I remember the time when he used to sing me love songs.
When we talked all night and laughed on stories of life.
I remember the time when he couldn’t wait to see me,
when he couldn’t even bare to leave because I mattered.
I remember when we used to talk about forever.
When goodnight meant more than it did,
But I love you.
When good morning meant,
Thank you
For being part of my life.
-0-

In case you failed to notice, I am lonely but not entirely unhappy. I just want to share a life, my life with someone other than friends and family. It’s different, I’m sure you know, when somebody cares, somebody who gives a damn.

It’s been a really long time. I’ve nearly forgotten. If only there were someone to remind me, someone who remembers that I like most people simply wants to feel important. Someone you will take the mask off for not because he wants to but because he deserves to see the real you…

Happy.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Paper Cuts

2009-04-15T21:58:00.003+08:00

"Busy Bee 8 by Noel Abelardo"
Looking back at all my previous relationships always bring a little nostalgia to me. It’s like opening a box of trinkets you saved from years back and every little thing on that box brings back memories. But then after looking at so many pieces you seem to forget how some of them got there in the first place. You wonder why you even kept it and what sentimental value it had. Simply put, there are some things or some people that YOU just forget and others that no matter how hard you try, will linger forever in your mind.

And then you ponder on things. Trying to recall every little bit of information. A surge of happy memories come pouring in and then only after a few moments, you remember why you broke up. You back track a bit and try to scrutinize every minute detail of the relationship trying as hard as you can to remember what the heck went wrong. And then, BAM! You get hit by a BUS! (Kidding!) Similarly though, it’s that same impact when you realize that regardless of how careful you were in making the relationship work, there are some things that’s just not meant to be…. FATE as they aptly call it.

I’ve been blogging mostly about love and relationships, break-ups and heartaches and stories of a happy ever after just because it’s the topic I know best. Not saying I’m an expert but I only wish to share my thoughts on the matter most of the time. I did after all, receive a few messages from other readers saying that to a certain level they could relate. I guess eventhough, we fall in and out of love with different people the feeling is always still the same.

My friend said breaking up with someone is the ugliest feeling in the world. It’s when you feel you’ve been abandoned and left to wallow in your misery. It’s like your heart has been ripped right out from your chest and you can’t breathe. It’s as if you’ve been kicked in the stomach and you can’t stand up. It’s like paper cuts, even the smallest one hurts like hell. It just SUCKS! And there are two things you could do about it, succumb to the feeling or learn and move on.

I realized that in my 18 months of singlehood I gained experience---experience that taught me in some level to be fearful to get my heart broken again. What was once magical suddenly turns into a fear that you’re again giving the power for someone to break you into a million pieces. What was once spontaneity turns into paranoia that you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable. And while I really do miss being in a relationship and even to a certain extent believe that I’m ready, I am (in all honesty) scared.

I am scared that the person I’m looking for no longer exists. And the harder you look the more elusive it gets. And when you don’t look, it simply passes you by.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

My Picture of Mr. Fu in Manila Bulletin

2009-04-07T16:25:00.002+08:00

Who would have thought, just a simple picture would bring me some kind of exposure. Thanks Jeffery!!! Dahil jan, clozzzze na clooozze na tayohhh!
Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Scout Fool's Day

2009-04-02T13:12:00.004+08:00

For ya'll Flickr Fans, you know what this is about...

Still, it looks DARN COOL! Happy April Fools.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Until He Cometh

2009-04-02T09:59:00.006+08:00

He sat there waiting
For the right moment to come.
He wondered if the sun didn't shine as
brightly today as it did before.
It just seemed a little darker.

He stared at the door
Thinking if by looking it'll open.
He counted the time,
first by hours,
then by minutes.
Seconds came and went, longer the the first
and still he waited.

And then Alas!
He rose as quickly as he could
But he was slow.
His burden was just too heavy.

He looked at him with distant eyes,
with a cold stare,
and an empty face.
There was no one but
a figure of a man from the past.
A past he tried too hard to forget.

It was dark.
He sat back down
And then he waited.
Patiently,
Once more
Until he comes.

"Wither"

Thank God It's Saturday

2009-03-19T13:19:00.002+08:00

What Day of the Week Are You?

You Are Saturday
Like this day of the week, you are ruled by Saturn.
More than anything, you are down to earth.

You are practical and wise. You take care of yourself before all others.
Sometimes you tend to be a bit suspicious. You are protective of what you have.

While some people see Saturday as a day of leisure, you see it as a day to get things done.
You always look forward to your productive Saturdays. You wouldn't have them any other way!

Noel EnRouge(d)

2009-03-19T09:19:00.002+08:00

Taken by our friend Clyde Manzano. Visit his site at www.clydemanzano.multiply.com

Here's me in RED. Ain't it just grand? =D

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Bodies

2009-03-14T17:05:00.000+08:00

It was dark and cold.
Their bodies entwined
Locked in tight embrace
That beads of sweat ran down their backs.
There were no words
Only cries and distant
Murmurs of throbbing pulse.
The ground rough
But it didn't matter,
It didn't hurt anyone.
Faces were intense
Seemingly lost in a crowd of passion.

One had rock-hard body
But skin smooth like silk.

The other charming,
Whose smile made you forget
The crazy night.

Another, bald, tan and with dimples
That was just pleasant.

An athlete. Young, fresh
And a physique that could rival any statue.

One looked like the other
Just a notch better.

Just one was married
But could never committed.

The other a star,
A dream come true.

And then there was I,
Just dreaming that just for this
Dark and cold night,
I could be her

On (Re)Defining Relationships

2009-03-06T12:52:00.004+08:00

Interesting conversation with V.

Last night after winning our badminton game (GO GREEN GECKOS!), V and I decided to hang out for a few drinks and munch on something at a near-by bar.

We started talking about relationships, mine, hers, and of those we know. Somehow, we were able to analyze why the world is full of screwed up relationships and while others, lucky as they are find their happy endings.

Types of Interpersonal Relationships

1. Friendship - simply put, it's when two or more people are in a supportive and co-operative relationship. That and only that. Many deep relationships start from friendship. While it does work for some, it's not necessary or integral for others. I personally believe that 'lover-type' relationships that stem from friendships is just complicated. Especially if you've been friends for a long time. I still prefer the magic on the first meeting but that's just me.

2. Family - by birth, by blood, or marriage, or even legally by adoption or something like that.

3. Professional - people you work with or have some dealing with in a professional sense. This, I believe is one of the most complicated relationships you could have. Especially if you don't know how to play the game i.e. kissing-ass, back-stabbing, corporate politcs, etc... etc... etc.

4. Romantic - Now, this I know a little something-something about having years and years of experience. Defined in terms of the concepts of passion, intimacy and commitment, romantic relationships are often over-rated.

Generally speaking there are so many types of relationships. Boyfriend, girlfriend, cohabitation, domestic partnership, networking, or as Friendster/Facebook and so many other networking sites would define it, "It's Complicated."

So why the heck have relationships nowadays became harder and harder to define. Perhaps because so many of us have been influenced by the society to just become part of what they define relationships to be. We've accepted the fact that we are nothing more that just part of the norm.

Take me for example, I am a born-deep-to-the-core-love-crazed-hopeless romantic. And eventhough my heart has been trampled, squished, broken, torn into a million pieces, stepped-on, bulldozed, and thrown out the window, it has endured all of those only to be trampled, squished, broken, torn into a million pieces, stepped-on, bulldozed, and thrown out the window again.

I only wish that I begin looking at the bigger picture and keep an open mind about certain things. Things are changing, relationships are not the way it used to be. Back when our great-great-great grandparents were alive and relationships were sacred, it was easier (I think).

On the other hand, there are these very successful people, who seems to have everything but a committed relationship with someone. People who do not allow themselves to be confined on society's rules and regulations. The rebels. The independent women/men. The ridiculously successful entrepreneurs. People who don't see themselves tieing the knot and yet are perfectly fine having relationships with themselves. These are the people I should hang out with more often. Maybe if I do, I'd learn a few things from them.

***

But then again, there's always Puerto Galera. Let's get crazy. Let's go wild. I shan't think of all this relationship crap while there. Tomorrow will just be a crazy-crazy day! WOOOHOO!!

100 Questions You'd Love To Answer (Not really!)

2009-03-03T15:07:00.004+08:00

Was tagged by my bestfriend in facebook. And since I can't access FB until after office hours, I decided to post it here in the meantime. Darn this is long! Enjoy!

1. Last beverage→ Sprite
2. Last phone call→ My Dad
3. Last text message→ My Dad.
4. Last song you listened to→ “I Will Survive” by Chantay Savage
5. Last time you cried→ Last Saturday, while watching Lord Of the Rings, Return of the King

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice? → Of course.
7. Been cheated on? → YES!!! (See, the 3 exclamation points!)
8. Been singing till dawn → Only during New Year or Birthdays where a Videoke/Kareoke is present.
9. Lost someone special?→ How special? Family, yes. Lover, YES!!!
10. Been depressed?→ Often that it’s depressing. HAHAHA!
11. Been overseas? → Most of the time.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. blue
13. brown
14. black

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (LET'S USE 2008 FOR THIS, YES?)
15. Made new friends → Yes.
16. Fallen out of love → Yes.
17. Laughed until you cried → Yes.
18. Met someone who changed you→ Hmmm, I guess.
19. Found out who your true friends were→ And disappointingly not that many.
20. Found out someone was talking about you→ Good or Bad? Doesn’t matter since it happened in both cases.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list→ Kissed where?
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life→ Most of them, but some more than others.
23. How many kids do you want to have→ 1 is enough. Oops… I not-so-technically have one already. HEHEHE!!
24. Do you have any pets → None anymore.
25. Do you want to change your name → My full name, yes… my nickname, not so much, I grew fond of it.
26. What did you do for your last birthday→ Celebrated with friends and family.
27. What time did you wake up today → 9:00 am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night→ Watching Season 9 of ‘Friends’ in DVD.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for → Waiting for my true love to come. (NAKS!!!)
30. Last time you saw your father→ 2 days ago.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Be straight (kidding!)
32. What are you listening to right now → Robin Thicke, “Complicated”
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → Tommy Meneses, yes.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now? → One of my colleagues, as he has always been ever so irritating, even just to look at. HEHEHE!
35.What’s your code name → Don’t have one, I think. Does BI-ATCH count? =P
36. Whats your real name → Noeliwanag D. Abelardo
37. Relationship Status → Single… for a year or so already.
38. Zodiac sign→ Capricorn
39. Male or female→ Male (Slut).
40. Natural Hair colour? → Yup… black.
41. Hair color now → Black, haven’t dyed my hair for so long.
42. Pet Peeve → OMG! SOOOOOOO MANY!
43. Need Glasses? → Yup but I often forget to wear them.
44. Long or short → LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG.
45. Height → 5'4”
46. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yup, L’Oreal Guy!
47. What do you like about yourself? → I can’t CHARM my way almost to everything.
48. Piercings → None, but would love to.
49. Tattoos → Yup, 1, but would love to have more!
50. Righty or lefty → Righty though I wish I could be ambidextrous.

FIRSTS :
51. First surgery → My forehead when I fell on the stairs as a kid.
52. First piercing → None.
53. First tattoo → Dolphin and moon on the ass-cheek.
54. First best friend → Liam Tugbo.
55. First sport you joined → Soccer.
56. First pet → A Japanese Spitz named Chona.
57. First vacation → HK with the family.
59. First crush→ A girl that I refuse to mention the name here. HAHA! That’s right I wasn’t always gay, contrary to popular belief.
60. First alcoholic drink→ Pale Pilson, my grandfather gave me one when I was seven as a joke.

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating → Nope, having coffee though.
62. Wearing → (Semi) Office Attire.
63. I'm about to → Take another sip of my coffee and contemplating of going down for a ciggie break.
64. Speaking to → Myself.
65. Waiting to → Go home.

YOUR FUTURE :
66. Want kids? → Maybe.
67. Want to get married? → Only if it’s another guy.
68. Careers in mind? → Professional Photographer

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
69. Lips or eyes → Eyes.
70. Hugs or kisses → Both, equally the same.
71. Shorter or taller →Taller.
72. Older or Younger → Definitely older… but ask me again in 5 years, I may say younger by then.
73. Romantic or spontaneous → Both.
74. Nice stomach or nice arms → Both. (Please!)
75. Tattoos or piercings—> Tattoos.
76. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive.
77. Hook-up or relationship → Hook-up then have a relationship. Not ideal, but hey, it happens.
78. Trouble maker or hesitant→ Trouble maker but not too much!

HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger → Of course.
80. Drank hard liquor →Yup.
81. Lost glasses/contacts → Yes, lots of times.
82. Sex on first date → Depends with whom.
83. Broken someone's heart →I think so...
84. Had your own heart broken → Ahhhhh, too many times.
85. Been arrested?→ Not really.
86. Turned someone down → Of course, with looks like this, it’s like a curse. HAHAHA!
87. Cried when someone died → I ain’t made of stone. I even cried at Aladdin. Yup, the cartoons… when Genie was set free. Again, not my proudest moment. HEHEHE!
88. Liked a friend that is a girl (change this depending on your sexual preference) → But I’m gay so I always like girls… AS FRIENDS!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself → Yeah, I guess so. =D
90. Miracles → Not really. I believe in FATE and DESTINY though.
91. Love at first sight → Yeah, with Vince(s). There were two of them. =P
92. Heaven → Yes. I sure hope I go there when I die.
93. Santa Claus → What am I 12? But yeah, I do. I think he represents something and not just a big fat guy in a red suit.
94. Kissing on the first date? → Sure.
95. Angels → Yes.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Hmmm.. yes.
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → Yes, in my first gay relationship and I made ‘tuhog’ bestfriends. I will never do that again! Trust me!
98. Do you believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever?→ Possible, yeah but it requires hard work.
99. What's the one thing you cannot live without? → My Mom and Nat my bestfriend.
100. Posting this as 100 truth? → I don’t get the question. HEHEHE!

Open Relationship, Anyone?

2009-03-01T15:27:00.003+08:00

It's been a very long time since V and I went to hang-out. And so last Friday we decided to go to Metrowalk to have dinner and a few drinks. Despite the fact that we work together we really rarely get to go out and just talk anymore.

"Usher would probably be the only not-so-goodlooking guy I would f*ck," she said.

"...Because he has a great body, I bet," I added.

"Yuhhhh!"

"I like Will Smith or Denzell Washington more. They have such gorgeous faces and yummy bodies," I said with such vigor.

"Oh yeah, did you know that Will and Jada Pinkett Smith has an open relationship. That's the reason why they lasted all these years."

"Really?! I didn't know that."

"Yeah, in this day and age, relationships can only last if you really keep an open mind about these things."

"Hmmmm, I don't think I am capable of such a thing. I'm still hopeless-romantic to the core."

"I know. That's why you've been single for sooooo long."

It got me thinking if all these are true. It's been so long since I've had a long term relationship and why is it becoming harder and harder to someone who will commit to a serious (and monogamous) relationship.

I once dated a guy who has been in 5 year relationship and it didn't work out for us. I wanted more in the relationship and he cannot give more. I wanted him for myself and he wanted me to share. We decided to be friends because it was just too complicated. Sad ain't it? You find love and love belonged to someone else. I figured the more you look for it, the more elusive it gets.

Why can't I be like one of those people who just finds love and keeps it. Regardless of how difficult it becomes, they remain together. I guess it's harder for gay relationships to work because as they say, "Men are naturally born promiscuous."

Really, what does it take to keep and sustain a meaningful relationship without anyone giving up their principles? Has the age of monogamy really passed? Is it now more practical to keep an open relationship and still be happy?

I've been single for more than a year now and while I am truly happy with the single life, I do miss the perks of being in a relationship.

I miss the first date, the magic in finding someone you would want to live the rest of your life with, the first kiss, the first cuddle, the long and amazing conversations, the birds chirping, the bells ringing, and fireworks. I want to fall in love again.

I know what you're thinking, and I know it'll come. But waiting's a pain and longing is a killer especially since you know people who've sustained their relationships for the longest time. Makes you wonder...

WHERE THE HELL ARE 'YOU' HIDING?!?!

Seriously! There's Really Something About Her Petchay! (I Touch Myself)

2009-02-27T16:32:00.010+08:00

Good friend and I got to talking, and once again our topic was about her extremely amazing, semi-miraculous, and aphrodisiac-laced PETCHAY! (To those who don't know what I'm talking about, kindly read my first blog about this here.)

A lot has actually happened since I first wrote a blog about her petchay and still I am trying not to gag so much as I try and get through this one.

Isang Petchay sa Gubat

Fortunately this friend of mine and her much adored sexual partner seem to have the libido of rabbits, meaning they could go at it for hours and hours. The only difference is that she somehow doesn't get knocked-up. And believe me they would go at it for hours, screaming sexual pleasures and declaring heaven to the top of their lungs while having mind-blowing orgasms. Don't believe me? Ask the guards who seemingly welcome his arrival at her condo-apartment. Or the neighbors who probably can't even complain hearing them go at it just because it's also turning them on. DARN! What a pathetic sex life I have! At least compared to these two.

One time, she went out after they were done and found a guard loitering the corridors. He probably wished to join but didn't have the guts nor the size. HAHAHA!

Halika, Laro-Laro Tayo Sa Petchay Ko!

The story of my life. Being invited to watch and maybe even taste some of 'the adored sexual partner.' I even asked my friend if this guy had a gay twin brother, hoping that I would get some of her action.

But then, on one of those infamous nights where they were imitating rabbits again and I was having drinks with a friend in the area. I got an unexpected MMS. And I literally jumped off my seat and screamed upon seeing the Adonis of all birds. (FOCK! I sound like a 12-year old GIRL describing genitals---HAHAHAH! But I want to keep this entry as discreet as possible. Some of my family members might read it and I'd be in trouble.) Yes, there it was in all its cut glory. One of the most beautiful THANG I've ever seen. I LOOOOVEEEE having her petchay as my friend. I swear it does wonders for my gay life!

A couple of days later, we got into talking again and she mentioned that "Adonis' Bird" was open to the idea of being stroked or even being eaten by someone of the same sex so long as her petchay was lodged good and hard on his mouth. I think at that moment I shouted so loud that my gay-ness went inside and out. I nearly literally cartwheeled in front of her in extreme delight. But alas, my gay-ness was tested and I proved I'm gay-er than I even imagined. I could not go through with it. NOT because I didn't want to have a taste of it, but because I'd rather not see my friend naked and get a glimpse of that miracle petchay.

THAT and the fact that I didn't want to disappoint him having my friend set the expectation probably so high even for an extremely talented gay like me. I would just die if I didn't match or even surpass the way she gives. And I didn't want to take the risk losing my prized possession... my mouth!

***
"I really don't get what is it in there that could make them (not only him) want it so much," she said in utter mockery of my mouth.

"I don't know, but I guess since there is really a demand for it. There must really be something there."

"I don't know too. I was looking at it the other day trying to figure out but really couldn't."

"The hell! Did you ever think that the reason why they say your petchay is the most beautiful, most lustful, best tasting, smelling, looking, etc... etc... ever --- is that any petchay compared to yours looks like SQUAT!"

"Oh yeah, I never thought of that! Oh well," she said in complete confidence.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

***

I guess there's nothing left to do but sing...

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
ahh ohh i don't want anybody else
oh no oh on oh no yeah

I love myself
I want you to love me
When I feel down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself
ahh ohh i don't want anybody else
oh no oh no oh no

Hey! Cute Jeepney Guy!

2009-02-23T11:51:00.002+08:00

Since I couldn't download my emails since this morning, let me just blog to blow some steam.

Last night I had one major ego boosting on the jeepney on my way home. I rode at Boni Station to get to my usual stop at P.Cruz. I almost missed the jeep that I had to run after it. Not only did I catch it I was lucky enough to be sitting in front of a very, very, VERRRY cute guy.

I noticed he was looking at me as if he knew me from somewhere. He came from the gym I assumed since he was sporting gym cloths and had a big knapsack. Either that or some basketball game of some sort. Nevertheless he was extremely good looking. He had this big round eyes, facial hairs, nice haircut and cuts at the right places.

He kept looking (staring) during the 20 minute ride to my place but I dared not look back. I can't even give him a simple smile as I was too embarrassed. If we were in a cartoon or movie or something, you'd probably see shooting stars, sparks and 'thinking balloons' above our heads. Hihihi!

Anyway, I got home smiling and my night only got better... until I woke up late the next morning.

Sigh! Back to reality... back to work!

Happy EDSA day everyone!

10 Things I'm Thankful For....

2009-02-19T19:01:00.003+08:00

I've been stressing about how broke I am recently to my friends and I think it's starting to annoy the sh*t out of them. But yes, I find myself lacking a few extra thousand bucks from my usually thick 'man purse' (and by that I mean my wallet) these days that it's depressing. I'm soooo not used not having enough cash that I am getting depressed about it. This morning, instead of my usual Country Style Breakfast Combo, I've gone the wiser (and cheaper) by bringing a Lucky Me Chicken Noodle Soup to eat AND settled for my usual 3-in-1 Nescafe Coffee. What can I say, these are indeed hard times. HARD TIMES!!!

***

My trip to Uzbekistan got canceled. Apparently it was not safe for us to go there for now. I was kinda looking forward to this trip. I even Google-d the place and did some research especially on the weather. Well according to weather.com, it would usually go from 8 degrees Celsius to Zero! Wooohooo! That means snow! Never seen snow even when I was in England. I got to see the frost the morning after but that hardly counts. So I guess I have to wait again until I am given the opportunity to make my very own snow angel. Oh well... Maybe next time.

***

I've been thinking that since I've been dealing with such as crisis in my life right now, I should be counting my blessings instead of sulking on what God intended to be challenges to make me stronger. And so, I decided to come up with a list of 10 things I am grateful for. Here goes...

10. I am thankful that I still have a wonderful apartment to go home to and rest and live.

9. My work. Much as I have so many issues at work, I am still thankful that I have a decent enough job that pays for most of my bills. I love my boss and friends at the office and I do still enjoy traveling to new places.

8. Gadgets. My PlayStation, iPod, Ben (my Nikon D60), mobile phones, laptops, TV and DVD player, iPod speakers. These help me to survive!

7. Networking sites. Multiply, Facebook, Friendster, Flickr, Blogspot, and G4M. In this day and age it's amazing how it's almost impossible NOT to meet new friends or even hook-ups! Hahahaha!

6. My family! I love 'em! Very much!

5. FRIENDS DVD! I never, ever EVER go tired of watching them! I only wish all friends are like them! Well, at least most of my friends actually even surpass the criteria. Good for me, sucks for them! Kidding!

4. My addictions. Coffee. San Mig Light and Cigarettes. Life's simple joys that's slowly killing me. Need to quit! Need tooooo quit!

3. The gift of life. I know it sounds mushy... but I am thankful to be alive. You should too! I've experienced too many near death misses that I can only be thankful everyday!

2. My friends. Without them, I'd probably die!

1. LOVE! Yes, you heard it right, above all I believe in love. Love is like oxygen. Love lifts us up where we belong. All we need is love. I am and forever will be hopeless romantic. Deal with it! HAHAHA! =D And did I mention I'm single. 17 months and counting. Somebody (cum)come already!

V-Day Weekend Blahs

2009-02-17T17:05:00.004+08:00

So, ask me how I spent my V-Day weekend and you might wonder why on this infamous day of days I decided to be with my one true love.

My love affair started around mid-December after I moved to my new apartment and found out that I didn't have much need for cable TV and that my DVD player was lonely.

"Silver with touches of black and I love it!"

I was thinking if I should just get a new one or if a second hand would do. But I decided I want nothing but the best so I got the new one. I remember during the first few times we were together, we used to spend hours and hours playing, sleepless nights, and often I'd even skip meals just to be with him.

Yes, dear friends, I'm in-love and I know I'm loved back. The vibration said it all. I even replaced some hot action and drinking sessions with friends all because I just had to go home and we needed to be together.

Ahhh, my PlayStation 2.

What more could I say but, Valentines-Shmilentines, it's just another day. I still had fun last weekend, with every click, jump, push, block, run, walk, roll and vibration. The loooooong night was worth it. It sucks to be single, it really does but 'Friends' DVD Marathon and Sony PlayStation 2 makes it bearable somehow, dunchathink?

Borrowed Sunshine

2009-01-28T17:31:00.007+08:00

Sure, everything's fine and dandy now. But just you wait, when the sun will no longer shine as brightly then you will realize it was just not meant to be.

It's done. Said goodbye and nearly drowned in tears.

Told you it wasn't easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I had to. The universe had its reasons for this. And though it was neither clear nor written in stone, it still had to happen.

Now, comes the hard part…moving on.

You start by waking up to a new day and feeling not as shitty as when you cried yourself to sleep the previous night. And even if the day wasn't going as planned, waking up late, waiting for a freakin' cab for nearly 30 minutes only to end up taking an Airport Taxi which charges double the regular fare, shirt crumpled, sweating all over, wrong socks --- gray socks on black pants (TRAGIC!), I psyched myself to make it a better day. I got to the office and stared blankly on my Starbucks tumbler which had a Nestle 3-in-1 for about 15 minutes. I didn't eat breakfast, didn't feel the need to. I listened to the radio seemingly torturing myself. And just like a big jolt of lighting, it struck me to wake up from my dazed state.

Uncertain on how to exactly do this but I guess, I will be fine. It's not as if this is the first time. Still, it hurts just as much as the first.

I am an actor in play for fools, pretending to the world that life is as it should be --- well. Not everyone is as strong but I could pretend. I'm good at that. After all, what good would continues mourning in public do? That's best done in private and preferably with beer and a lit cigarette.

So I smile and laugh throughout the day pretending that the day went fine and dandy.

But yes, the sun didn't shine as brightly today as the day we met. On that 'Pho Hoa Moment' when neither of us knew that we'd say "Goodbye" as quickly as we said "Hello." Once I borrowed, I now had to return.

And then we both realized, it really was just not meant to be.

Photo: Fence by Noel Abelardo

It's Complicated.

2009-01-27T16:54:00.005+08:00

Photo: "Empty Chair" by Noel Abelardo

If only there was a better way.
If only there was an easier way to say goodbye.
But even if I crack my skull open,
I know there really isn't any easier way to
let go.

A recent blog entry of a friend made me realize a few parts of my (love)life that, for as long as I could recall, I ignored or refused to accept. And writing about it is more difficult that you might think.

I fall in and out of love almost instantly and in repetitive successions and it's not healthy. Not even for an enduring heart such as mine. I am what they say co-dependent and have this eternal fear, that until quite recently I thought I conquered, to be alone... to live and die alone. Come to think of it, there really isn't anything wrong with being alone, most especially if you're gay. Being such, the fact remains that singlehood, loneliness, depression, and being alone is as natural and inevitable as death itself.

It got me thinking: do homosexual relationships really last? For people like us, this has been the million dollar question of a lifetime. Answers and opinions vary depending I guess on experiences. For those people who were lucky enough to find their 'life partner' this is a big fat YES. But for the majority, it remains only as a possibility.

If you've followed my blog from the very beginning you'll know that I am a love-a-holic. I am often disillusioned by the promises of forever and the chance to get my 'happy ever after.' And for the countless times that my heart was broken I remained ever-so loyal to its ability to heal itself only to be broken again. I am not saying that you should lose faith and hope on love. But truth is, not everyone is as blessed. It may be a disadvantage that my heart has this innate capability of loving endlessly and in so many different levels but I am starting to believe that it's getting to be a burden.

I should start taking care of it (my heart) before it totally gives up on the entire idea. And I don't mean that only on the emotional sense but physically as well. I've been abusing it by not exercising, not eating right, cigarettes and alcohol. I'd sooner die than find that darn soul mate. If it even exists. On which another blog from a friends' friend pointed out clearly that it's statistically impossible for you to find your soul mate. And even if you do find him/her in your lifetime, there's probably some screwed up reason why you still can't be together. So really, why waste time finding them, when you can get the next best thing... the person who just cares and loves for you. Don't bother thinking if he/she is THE ONE because chances are, you will live the rest of your life not knowing.

So how do I keep happy? I really don't know. But I will much rather try than be in a situation I am not supposed to be in. I will have to pull up some courage to do what I'm about to do but I know this is the right thing to do.

I don't want to be 'that' person who finds happiness at the expense of another. I shall not become the person I hate the most.

I've waited 15 months for a good relationship to come what's another 15. I guess if it'll be worth the wait then I should.

But there isn't any.
Only to cry and mourn
for a time until it's over.
Then just... move on.

PhotoShoot Stint

2009-01-25T20:45:00.011+08:00

My first attempt at studio photography. I never realized it was that difficult. I took a looooot of photos but here are what I consider ze best!

Photography by: Noel Abelardo
Hair and Make Up: Madz Castillo
Assistant Photographer: Atty. Aidde Gaces
Set-Up/Outfits: Dimples Reytas and Abie Pana
Messenger/Driver/All-around: May Castillo
Support/Beet provider: Argem

HAHAHAH!!! That's it folks! Hope you like it!

PS. Sa mga pic-nappers, pwede mag acknowledge. Hahahaha! Sorry the post took forever! Loveyah!!!

More pictures at my multiply site or check out my Facebook. =D

Anguish.

2009-01-21T15:24:00.005+08:00

It's not that hard to figure out how life plays with you sometimes. How, more often than not, things unexpected can disrupt the entire pattern of your ever-so monotonous existence. While some may welcome it lovingly with open arms, others seem to run away from it because sudden change scares them.

I fell in love. Unexpectedly.

And while love is a common and but-oh-so-natural thing for me, this is one I've never encountered. I'm in love with someone, whose heart belongs to someone else. It's been with that someone else for 5 long years to be exact.

I cannot put to words how and why it happened. It was as if the universe conspired to bring us together but only to remain anything BUT lovers. It's cruel, but it's life. It's unfair but there's little we could do. It's that little voice telling you to let go and move on, move forward, but it's much harder than you people might think. How could you let go of something or someone that could make you happy? That has made you happier than you've ever been. When you thought you've forgotten what happiness was until it was shown to you in all its glory and beauty. How?

When you know deep in your heart and soul that that person is the one you were destined to be with. But you know he will never choose you. And that you ache every time you hear reality knocking. You cry and laugh the next minute because you know you'd rather be with him now than not to be without him at all.

That you're willing to be a doormat or a loyal dog, waiting for his beg and call.

That you feel foolish because you deserve more than this but still you cannot let go because in your 27 years of existence, this is probably the best thing that ever happened to you.

And that it scares the sh*t out you that you will lose this battle, when you know for a fact there wasn't even a contest. You keep telling yourself, 'enjoy the moment and don't think about the future.' But I do think about the future and I picture him in it.

But I don't want to be 'that' person.

So how do you say goodbye to happiness when for as long as you could remember it was all you asked for?

And he gave it to you.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Bed Bar and Mr. Fu

2009-01-18T16:37:00.004+08:00

Went out last night. Bed Bar at Malate and guess what? I had fun.

Surprised? Don't worry that makes two of us.

It's been so long since I went to BED. I remember those times, so many years back when I go to Malate every weekend, back when I was younger. We used to gather at Starbucks Robinsons Manila around 6pm and then have dinner then stay and dance until the Magtataho arrives for breakfast, hmmm... around 7 in the morning! Ain't that fun?

To compare: I arrived at Malate this morning around 12:30 and left around 3 am. Met up with Kolai and his friends. It was fun, purely dancing, chatting and just having a fantastic time. Radha (Burn, baby, burn...) sang and even the discreet guys began dancing and lip syncing to the tune of "If You Could Read My Mind." God, I remember when this was still hot on the charts being played at Giraffe. Yes, I began clubbing very early. 15 years old to be exact, probably why I don't do it often anymore. I outgrew it.

Anyway, aside from a fantastic dancing night and (cute) people watching, I got to meet one of my most-loved person, Mr. Fu. If you remember, I wrote a blog wanting to meet him here. And last night, perhaps because of the booze, when I saw him at BED I finally had the guts to approach him and say 'Hi', introduced myself and said I was a fan. And only a few moments ago, when I checked my Friendster, I saw a message from him.

So, I still went home date-less, number-less, s*x-less, single, but happy.

I'm still without love, but that doesn't mean I won't find it eventually. I just need someone na mambubulabog ng aking universssseeeee. MEHHH GANON?!?

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Ramblings on A Date-less Friday Night

2009-01-16T21:09:00.003+08:00

Thinking of what to write as I opened my laptop and waiting for pictures to finish uploading. Nothing has inspired me recently. Aside from yet another failed relationship that held a promise of forever. Which I refuse to write about. It doesn't deserve that story anymore.

So here I am watching a group of rugged so-called self-proclaimed street-magicians with annoyance at Gloria Jeans while trying very hard to alienate the rest of the world with Better Days by Dianne Reeves. Still, she could only do so much.

Friday night, dateless, gimmik-less, alone.

Not that I'm complaining. I just realized I liked this better. All signs point to the fact I am getting older.

So what is it about love that I so desperately search for it time and time again? Only to reach one dead-end after another. I should learn to be more detached, more careful and less involved. I think my problem is, I've been reading too much romance novels, watching too many romantic films and just freakin' fantasizing about it too darn much!

Oh well. That's just me.

On a more pleasant note, I'm watching this guy across me. Why? Because he just came out of the gym, looking so cute. He's the type that would just simply make you smile every morning when you wake up. And not to mention he has a near perfect smile. Seriously, he;s too darn cute! Too bad he's straight.

-o-

Anyhooo, I'm playing Jologs Quiz with Addie and we're at 2 all. Unbelievable how fantastic our conversations are at YM. I love it. We'd make a fantastic couple I bet. Unfortunately, he's been with a partner for years. DARN! (Addie, if you read this, just smile!)

-o-

Just saw two guys from across the table playing "Magic: The Gathering." I felt the sudden desire to run home and get my old, old, almost obsolete deck. I used to spend ridiculous money, obscene amount of time and sleepless nights because of that game. I haven't played in about 10 years or more. I think most of the rules have changed already and so did the game play. I used to be soooo proud playing my Stasis Deck, Pocker Deck and my favorite, My All-White-No-Untap Deck. My favorite card, Serra Angel. I even created an awesome drawing of it. I just couldn't find it anymore.

I wonder how much the Jester's Cup costs now?

Anyone of you guys have old decks, come let's play. You just have to update me on the rules.

-o-

Looking forward to Saturday. I'd better go out and dance. I need to. I have to. I want to.

WANTED: A Nice Conversation, Fantastic Company and UNBELIEVABLE S*X!

Second Flame

2009-01-09T11:51:00.004+08:00

We’ve all felt it, the pain and the suffering of watching your heart break into thousands, and possible millions of pieces. Unrequited love, the cruelest, the most excruciating kind of love that we pray we never feel in our lifetime or will never feel again. When you try and get over that face and that smile, that voice, that feeling, that memory… that person. When you feel life is slowly fading because every breath is but a fleeting fervor of the love you once had.

And you try and get away. Go to a distant land and be happy to your new found solitude. Hoping you’ll meet new people and begin the painstaking process of moving on. And then, you feel that your starting to get back little pieces of yourself, only to find out it was not your old self. But a new you and you begin to wonder, is this improvement? But sooner or later you find yourself losing the battle to overlook love after all. You start to fall in love once more, and hoping that this time would be better, you plunge right back in. And you fall for the ‘bad’ once more.

You fall for the ‘bad’ because you keep telling yourself that they were wrong. And when that person does something ill, you ignore it and put it aside. But when the person does something good, you pat yourself at the back and say you knew it all along.

But like most things, love can come in the most unexpected time and even with the most suprising person.

They were right, I just had to wait.

I got my second chance with the person I met over 3 years ago and had broken up with for almost 2 years. For some reason, the love was still there. Faint but enough to rekindle what fire left from the past.

We’ve all felt it, love in whatever shape or form. And it just feels damn great!

On "My Bestfriends' Wedding" and Singlehood

2008-12-30T19:13:00.004+08:00

So Christmas Day (and incidentally also my Birthday) just came and went. Though it was relatively better this year than the previous ones, I still can’t help but compare it to my younger days celebrating this auspicious occasion. I guess for some reason, when we get older, you also lose interest on celebrating.

It’s true what they say, Christmas ARE for kids… and those kids at heart.

-o-

Today I watched, probably for the 100th time, My Best Friends Wedding and thought of 10 reasons why we (I) love this movie.

10. It stars Julia Roberts. Need I say more?

9. It’s a feel-good-romantic-comedy that one can never get tired of watching.

8. The story is just great. I think the writers Terry Rossio and Ted Elliott created one of the best movies ever.

7. P.J. Hogan, the director captured the actors’ best qualities on that film. There wasn’t any dull moment on this film.

6. I looooove Cameron Diaz’s portrayal of Kimberly Wallace here. She’s sooooo “annoyingly perfect.”

5. The soundtrack. Who didn’t fall in love with “I’ll Say A Little Prayer For You” and the fabulous scene where the entire cast sang it over lobster lunch.

4. Durmot Mulroney, though not so hot, appeared irresistible here. Which guy would not love being chased by two women? I hear most guys fantasized about this long before puberty.

3. This line, “Kimi always says that if you love someone, you say it or the moment just passes you by.” Cue song: “Someday, when I’m awful’y low….” Lurrrrrrvvvvvit!!!

2. It talks about true love, double dealing/lying…three of my favorite topics and not forgetting blind-devotion.

1. Rupert Green, the gay editor/friend of Jules. He added an absolute spice to the movie. It showed and quite possibly proved that it’s wonderful to have a gay friend. So if you don’t have one, I suggest you go get one.

-o-

Being a hopeless-romantic to the core can be quite daunting, especially if you love chick-flick movies. It gets you thinking about your sorry little ass and why up to now, after 14 freakin’ months you’re still single, living alone and successful. While others, celebrate 28th as a momentous day, declare 1129 as the address of heaven, I on the other hand, has substituted Play Station 2 for sex, is planning to get a cat to complete my spinsterhood, and might possible just die of old age and still single. FOCK!

If I don’t meet someone soon, I just might go on a killing rampage, God forbid. Guess I’m too picky, as one friend said. To which I said in reply, “I’m not picky, I’m just specific. I know what I want and deserve and I refuse to settle for anyone less.”

And they say Christmas is for lovers too. HAH! Not if you’re single.

Arabian Nights

2008-12-23T10:08:00.010+08:00

Oh... I come from a land in a far away place where the caravan camels roam. Where they cut off your ear if they don't like your face, it's barbaric, but HEY!, it's home...

Aaaaaarrrraaabian Nightsssssss...

Yeaaaaahhhhhhbaaahhh!!! Yes, baby we WON! 2nd place that is. I'm telling you this year's competition was FIERCE!!!

(Aladdin and Genie)

A Whole New Worrrrlld!

This year's theme was Disney Cartoon Musicals. And we got Aladdin about a month back but prepared for it 2 weeks before the actual performance. It was a labor of love and blood from all the teams which was pretty obvious with all the costumes, props and dance numbers. Effort kung effort ito mga friends!!!It was simply unforgettable.

Too bad I didn't even win a single raffle prize. Our company was darn generous this year as they gave away, cellphones, gift cheques, iPHONE (yup, iPHHHHOOONNNEEE!!!), Aspire One (Acer) laptop, cash prices worth--- get ready for this, 1000 US Dollarrrrs!

Damn!!!!

Anyway, here are a few pics! Enjoy!

I shall be posting all the pics on my multiply site. Visit it if you have the chance.

Consolation Groups:

Hunchback of Notre Dame

and...

Mulan

3rd Place: Little Mermaid

2nd Place: Aladdin (kami, yun!!!)

1st Place: Beauty and the Beast

And oh, did I mention that the first prize money was PHP40,000!

2nd, PHP30,000
3rd, PHP20,000

and the consolation prices got PHP10k each.

WAZZZZZTHEMEEEANING!!!!

There's Just Something About Her... (PETCHAY!)

2008-12-13T19:14:00.007+08:00

Never in my wildest imagination that I would even attempt to write about something that I was totally clueless, undiscovered (by me), and as usually despised as a woman's vajay-jay. Or as i fondly call it, for purposes of this blog 'petchay'. But a recent conversation with a dear friend had inexplicably forced me to go to a local bookstore, buy a small notebook and pen, sit down and was compelled to start writing about a topic I've only spoken about in humour.

Let me just emphasize that I had never fantasized about it, never explored it, and have only seen it on straight porno films that I used to watch as a kid (only because I'm more interested and focused on the other thing) and a few if not forgotten glimpses of it on a few occasions...live. So forgive me for my lack of knowledge about what it is that fascinates men and yes, even a selected group of women to something that secrete blood every that time of the month.

I do however, know a little about it having directed the Vagina Monologues back in college as a school production. And let me say that if that didn't even interest me to change sexual preference, I guess nothing in this universe will. I was, am and will forever remain loyal to it's glorious counter-part. (Pause to give a moment of silent praise.)

"Your petchay is the best-tasting, best-looking, best-smelling and most beautiful ever. And it's best fit for my 'thaaang.'

THAT my dear friends was the claim of a certain guy who after exepriencing a long sexual nirvana with my good friend, described her petchay.

Now, how many of women do you know out there in this planet was ever told that line, even as a lie? I'm probably guessing very, very, very few. So my good friend and I suddenly got wondering if her petchay has some addictive property that the world is yet to discover. And if only we could create a drug out of its secretion, we would probably be richer than the Queen of England. But I guess the only way to truly find out is to be there myself first-hand, which there is noooo wayyyy in HELL I will do. Not even if you pay me. I would rather tear my eyes out than to see it; bind my lips shut than to taste it; and pull out my nose than to smell it.

We've been friends for quite a long time that I am aware of what this girl can do. The miracles and glory of it all. I've heard the stories and even on a few rare times seen her in action. (Again, focusing only on the other partner.) But still it seems that there's some truth to this claim since most of her men keep coming back for more... and more... and more! Even to a point they would have to beg. A true goddess to the core could only command such followers! I swear if I were to be reincarnated, I would want nothing more than to be this girl's petchay. To quote her, "My petchay can change lives and break relationships."

Amazing! It's already like a religion!

I've had my fair share of compliments and praises from my sexual partners but none specifically targeted to my 'toy'. It's usually something generic like, "Oh, you're a damn good kisser!" or "You're sooo hot and sexy!" or "I could do this with you for the rest of my life!" (Ready, set.... cartwheel!!!) But this usually only happens when I'm on the top of my game. I usually perform best when love is involved or at least a similar kind of emotion. Plus alcohol can also seriously stimulate and arouse me. (Cocktails later anyone?)

Writing about petchay too much us starting to make me feel nauseous. I'd better stop before I end up having recurring nightmares about it. But for those wanting to experience the much glorified petchay you will have to meet a certain criteria. 1.) You have to be well-hung. 2.) You have to be clean, gorgeous and irresistible. 3.) Your other head should be equally, if not superbly stimulating as the other smaller one. And 4.) You should have something more to offer than what was already stated above.

Bottom line, we will only remain in awe and wonder why her petchay has this incredible power. And I, being too gay to almost function, could only remain respectful (and even a wee-bit envious) that such a vagina exists to change lives!

Uganda, ke-ganda

2008-11-24T23:00:00.015+08:00

3rd day at Uganda, Africa. Work-wise, the past few days have been relatively easy on us. Well, at least most of us.

This is my 3rd time in the African continent and my first in Uganda. I can't say that I would want to live here but I will say that I love the weather, especially at night. Though there's much left to be said about the sights, sounds and even the smell of this place. I will not touch on that any further. *wink!*

Monyonoyo Commonwealth Resort is located a few minutes away from the capital city, Kampala. It's a five-star resort that pretty much reminds me of Baguio, Tagaytay and Batangas rolled into one back home.

Just thinking about home makes me miss it even more. And eventhough this trip to Africa was planned a long time back I somehow still feel that this was an abrupt trip. It feels like someone just pulled me off my bed and dragged me to go here.

Good thing I have my handy camera with me and I took some pretty awesome shots (in my personal opinion!). Speaking of camera, I was wondering... I saw quite a number of people naming their cameras... their dSLRs. As to why? I really don't know. But I have yet to name my own d60. Haven't given it much thought yet. Do you guys have any suggestions? I'm thinking, BEBEH or HUNNY BUN! HAHAHA! I'm kidding of course, but when I do come up with a name, I'll make sure to let ya'll know.

Reejoie actually got the first shot of this freakin' huge bird since she arrived a day earlier. So I decided to hunt for this Crane and take a picture of it myself. Of course I highly doubt if this was the same bird but if it was then it's only lucky animal.

***I took quite a number which you could see at my multiply site.

Here are a few more artsy-fartsy shots I took while smoking, loitering, lingering, walking and everything else in between, including working.

This was the brick wall where I ever-so-considerately extinguish my cigarettes after I'm done puffing my death smoke. Doesn't it look nice? Tee-hee!

These are wristbands given to our participants. My job is actually to tally all the wristbands to whoever I registered for the day on my table. But just as luck may have it, I am missing one. And I am hoping not to be royally screwed because it. Oh well... I took a nice photo of them though. I was also asked by Jong to take another shot of this using the corporate camera, to which I gladly obliged and he used it for our website. Love it!

For more of these pictures just visit: http://www.imago.multiply.com

PS. I can't wait to be back home and fix my new apartment. I miss home and everything about it.

Move Me

2008-11-19T18:53:00.003+08:00

Leaving for Uganda, Africa tomorrow night and I’m not at all ready for this trip. As usual, I’m just about to pack my things tonight. But since I’ve traveled so much because of my work I can consider myself as an able packer.

I failed to write blog entries the past week due to my very busy schedule, so I’m taking this chance to update you guys. At least to those very few who follow the drama in my life.

This was written on a scratch paper last Sunday, Nov 16, 2008 with my usual Café Latte in Starbucks, Rockwell Mall.

-o-

There are moments in life that can leave you wondering for days, weeks, months or sometimes, even years. And while some take their sweet time wondering and asking, I have fully decided to take action and try to take control over my seemingly chaotic life. I just want to try and be truly happy and I sincerely hope that my plans in the very near future can make that happen. After all, as I’ve already mentioned in my previous blog entry, happiness is but a series of correct choices. Let me just hope that this is one of many more to come.

There are several factors that I would consider why I felt so unhappy for the longest time. And this is not only because I’ve been single for a long time but I feel my life now is not going in the direction that I want or at least dreamed about. And though I know I have a relatively good life compared to most, I still ask myself what led to my unhappiness. Perhaps one big factor would be that I was too lazy to follow my dreams however ridiculous it may have been.

I have always been known as a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none. I am proud to say that I am quite talented (Ahem! Ahem!). I sing, dance, write, cook, paint, and draw. I can also take relatively good photographs – out of sheer passion for it. I know how to even process them. I can even wash the dishes, take out the garbage, clean the house (including the toilet) and wash and iron clothes. See, I can be a good house partner, I’m all-around. HE-HE!

But I remember when I was younger I was very much a different person. I used to be more carefree, jollier, perkier, and seemingly just living my life as if it were my last day on this planet. I was, as far as I could recall happy(-ier). But perhaps as the years went by in my pretty young life, problems, challenges, and all sorts of trials and tribulations robbed me of my child-like, not-a-care-in-the-world type of personality. I became less innocent and more malibog, (horny) este malishyoso pala (full of malice). The innocence slowly died when I reached puberty. I am no psychoanalyst or psychologist but I believe that no one can understand yourself better than you. And while most of my childhood friends would tell me that I never changed, I feel I did. But come to think of it, don’t we all change as the years go by and circumstances in our life force us to be different?

And so, in my attempt to find my old self or who knows even find a new me, I had to make certain decisions that I know will help me grow as a person.

I am moving out of my (family’s) house … soon, very soon!

I have lived my entire life there and though I love them very much, it’s just getting tiring to quarrel with your siblings every now and then. And then there are all the house rules that need to be followed. No, I am not moving out to be free from these rules. Well, okay fine, part and partial of the reason is that but not entirely. I am turning 27 very soon and I believe I am old enough to experience what it is like to live by myself. I’ve known even some who started during college and I believe those people are more matured and responsible in a way. I think I’m ready, but if I’m wrong then it’s about time I find out and prove otherwise.

Sure it’s practical to live with your family, less expenses, less responsibilities, and basically more convenient. But somehow, practically is over-ruled by (my) need. I need to grow. I need to prove something to myself and maybe to the rest of the world.

I know it will be difficult. I’ve already psyched myself about that, the long and lonely nights, the boredom, the financial struggles and everything else unexpected. But I still want to do it. Let me experience first hand how hard this would be and then I could say, even if I don’t succeed, I tried.

I am clearing my debts in a few months, the two credit cards and money loan will be forever gone, hopefully before the year ends. I want to start fresh. I will even learn to budget and commute (– I know how to, I just don’t like it. I take a taxi almost everyday). Goodbye convenience and kaartehan, Hello hardships and lessons! I am not about to say I could do it but it’s about time I did.

Fingers-crossed (and even including eyes, legs and arms) with a lot of prayers and strong will, correct judgments and even a little help from Mama and other friends, I hope this move will prove to be correct.

Let me be happy, even if I fail trying.

The Why's of Men

2008-11-07T15:58:00.007+08:00

*My mom (yes, mom as in mother) sent this to me. Funny, funny, funny! Wanted to share. I wonder if they have something like this but for gay guys! =D

-----Just an intro before you read on . . .
and realize why men are so important to women!

----------------------------------------------------------
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength . . .
. . . I'll beat him to death. AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
-----------------------------------------------------------

. . . and now the explanations!

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3 WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know . . . never saw it done)

Okay, before you think you women are supreme than us men, it's time to
bring you to your knees . . .

. . . and the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!)

And Counting....

2008-11-05T09:35:00.006+08:00

It's official. It's been forever and a day.

Exactly one year ago, I was in Nairobi, Kenya working my ass off trying to forget the fact that my lover and I had just broken up. I remember during idle moments, which comes rare on our events, I'd sit in one corner and start crying. And that's because that @#!@&!! partee addict can't kick off the habit and chose it over lil' ol' me. That and probably because I try and 'help' him do so. Let's just say my messianic complex gets the best of me sometimes.

So here are just a few things I've realized since I've been single. One year and still counting...

1. I've become a wee-bit jaded on the entire concept of love and relationships. I did meet several possibilities, including one very recent that I purposely discounted to be a relationship but more to be a big, huge, enormous mistake. With one particular chubby guy who was, more than anything, an idea of what great love could have been. But meeting a lot of great almost(s) can be such an irritating chore. You meet, connect, pursue, and then before you know it, it's more complicated than you hoped it would be. Then, you start it all over again.

2. Boys will be boys and men (way older men) are just meant to be my friends. A dilemma on choosing a 23 year old kid versus one 43 year old guy that lead me to conclude I should find someone around my age or a little bit older.

3. I still despise people who do drugs, especially the ohh, so notorious Partee Pill which I would like to call the death drug of our generation. I just don't know what they get out of it. But I've meet a lot of friends who takes this drug and I just find it sad that such wonderful people are wasting money over something they know is slowly killing them. Perhaps, much like cigarettes (which I also can't quit, but want to) they get some satisfaction out of them. Oh well, my opinions get worse over Shabs, Coke, Heroin, and the likes. Unlike partee, these hard core chemicals destroys not only their body, but it's a guaranteed way to destroy relationships as well. I should know seeing one of my uncles wasted away because of Shabs.

4. Exes will be and forever remain exes. In my search for true love (naks! me ganon?!), I visited past relationships and tried to rekindle what can be rekindled. But alas, I've learned that once you lose the fire, even time cannot put the spark back. Except for some freaky chance that you get in bed... to sleep. HA-HA!

5. The corporate world is a jungle and survival is the name of the game. Working for a corporate environment that's full of politics can be harsh. It takes a really tough person to survive all the back-stabbing, gossiping, jealousy, ass-kicking and ass-licking, betrayal and everything else in between. You need to learn how to play the game or you'll get eaten alive. But then again, good things come to good people and I believe that what happened to me came as a blessing in disguise. I'm happier, a wee-bit richer and less stressed now. H-A! Take that ya'll! (tee-hee!)

6. Count your blessings. There are many things I should be grateful for, like good health, great friends, a complete family and a well paying job. So why is it that finding a lover suddenly became a priority for me? Well, for one because that's the one thing I don't have now. But hey, who knows, maybe before my Christmas Blues kick-in I'll be in a relationship. Fingers-crossed.

7. I know myself now, more than ever. Yes, I can defy gravity. I've always thought that I am a tough nut to crack but hey, over the months, I've proven to myself that I really am. Me-so-happeee! Not a lot of things can bring me down but when it does, I can almost immediately bounce right back up.

And so, forever and a day isn't so bad after all. It has taught me a few things that I would have never realized otherwise. Still, I'm on my never-ending search and I sincerely hope it would be this one but I can't be too sure. So right now, I'm just enjoying the moment.

We only get to live once, why not live everyday as if it were the last.

Chokoleit in Las Vegas (Ms. Yunibers)

2008-10-30T09:56:00.007+08:00

(Video Failed!!!!) WAHHH!!! Here's the link, view it at YouTUBE. A friend actually asked me to view this file in YouTube and I died laughing watching it. I've seen Chokoleit in Laffline and Punchline before and he already did this skit. Still, whenever I watch it I can't help but be amazed how talented our (Filipino) stand-up comedians are. Cheers to you Chokoleit! =D Found this article in Manila Bulletin... And note that this was written back in 2005. :)

On the Rise
Walden Sadiri

Chokoleit: TV?s latest flavor of a comedian

It?s true that it does take time before anything or even anyone for that matter reaches its "full flavor" and maturity. Stand-up-comedian and sing-along master Chokoleit knows that fact by heart as his journey towards popularity has been long and winding. But it has its sweet rewards as he has become one of the more popular faces in ABS-CBN?s shows.

"It was really a long time," he said in Tagalog. "I started in 1993 and it was just last year that everything went right for me in showbiz."

He added that he had a hard time invading mainstream showbiz because he didn?t know how and he didn?t know who to approach. What he realized though was that showbiz was also about right timing, if it was his, it would happen, in due time.

"This is my passion and that is the reason I kept trying. I really want to make people laugh. And during my trying times, deep inside of me I always believed my time would come. I just knew that God gave me this talent for a purpose," he rationalized.

Every night he enjoyed performing to regulars and new spectators in music?comedy bars like Purple Edge, Punchline, Laffline and Musicbox. His passion in comedy was the reason he didn?t become impatient about making it big time in showbiz. For him, he?d rather that he go through hardships before hitting mainstream showbiz so he could enjoy its benefits maybe longer.

"Now that I?m reaping the fruits of my labor, I?m going to take care of my even more. I won?t waste it nor take it for granted," he declared.

Chokoleit, while he was doing his regular gigs at different music-comedy bars, has also appeared in a number of television shows like "Haybol Rambol" and "Brunch" from the year 1999 to 2000. Unfortunately, his career was quite bumpy, he would either find himself with some TV appearances or none at all. And often there was a long period in between the shows that he did. It was as a stand?up comedian that kept him busy.

According to Chokoleit, his biggest break came last year when he was cast by director Wen Deramas in "Marina" as Pearly Shell. It was a moment he would cherish for the rest of his life since it opened new doors for him in show business. It even opened a new market for him because of his fantasy characters the children televiewers!

"Kids recognize me more as Pearly Shell. I?m very happy about it," he shared.

Right now, Chokoleit after "Marina" is in the shows "Kaya Mo Ba ?To?" of Carlos Agassi, the Sunday showbiz oriented news show "The Buzz" and "Bora," as a semi-regular member.

Among the shows mentioned above, the most challenging is "Kaya Mo Ba ?To?" A reality TV show on daring people, his segment is related to animals. Televiewers every Saturday afternoon would see him racing people against ostrich or spending time with gorillas or pigs in their respective cages or pigpens.

"In this show, I?m the one with the animal appeal," laughed Chokoleit about his ordeals in his new show. "If you?re new in the business you just have no choice. You just have to establish yourself first. What I do in the show is fine with me. I know that I would also be doing other things in the future."

Like anyone growing in popularity in tinseltown, Chokoleit has also his share of intrigues. His latest one painted a bad image of him when an alleged whorehouse for men was raided and his name surfaced as one of the customers.

"I was really affected when this came out. I hope everything is okay already?.it?s true that I?ve gone to that place. I usually met my gay friends there. That?s all."

Looking back to where he started, Chokoleit shared that things have changed in the realm of stand-up comedy.

"To think that instead of upgrading the quality of stand-up comedy, the influx of so?called stand-up comedians lessened it because everyone now can instantly become a stand-up comedian. If you just know how to impersonate talents, tell the same old joke, you?re gay and you ridicule people, you?re immediately a stand-up comedian."

What he meant was that people may have forgotten the real essence of a stand-up comedian. It has always been for him standing in front of an audience and making them laugh without the expense of other people. He recalled the times of Arnel Ignacio and Ai Ai delas Alas in Musicbox wherein they could stand by themselves and be funny. Rather than evolving, the offensiveness of some comedians have even brought the quality of stand-up comics down.

"Unfortunately, I also become ?malaswa? in my shows in those music-comedy bars because that is what my audience usually clamor for. But in corporate shows or out of time gigs, I make it a point to have a sanitized show. I just have to be responsible."

So what kept his dream alive in showbiz?

"When I was just a sing?along-master, I already dreamt of being in showbiz to be like Roderick Paulate. He inspired me. He made me realize that you can be an actor even if you are not very good looking as long as you have talent. I told him that. I really believe in his talents. You can bring him anywhere - acting, comedy, hosting and even singing. I hope I can achieve even half of what he has," he shared.

Roderick Paulate?s advice to him is simple have the right attitude, get along with people well, be considerate with other people and be humble.

For those wondering why he was nicknamed Chokoleit, look at him again. He was named Chokoleit (because of his color) by his friends in high school which didn?t offend him. He was even called "cocoa" or "chocolate."

"I wasn?t hurt by their name?calling because I don?t easily get mad. I?m a very happy person and everything that happens to me I think of it as having a purpose. I always see things in a positive light. I even make fun of myself?I?m glad that I look like this and I?m gay. If I became a man and I look like this, I think I would have become a criminal by now. Or if I were a girl and I looked like this, I?d still be a virgin until now," laughed Chokoleit.

Well, all those who called him derogatory names before should now look at Chokoleit. He may not look like the regular matinee idol but he has become one of the sweetest sensations in television right now. And his fame has earned him opportunities for out of town shows and money to slowly build his dream house. And like what he has always said, everything in life has a purpose from God.

What he can only say about his rising career in ABS-CBN is "ang kapamilya hindi ka iiwanan, ang puso, puwede kang magkasakit, magkaka-heart attack ka."

Jonathan Garcia a.k.a. Chokoleit is one comedian ON THE RISE!

How Gay Are You?

2008-10-29T18:45:00.002+08:00

According to this test I'm 80% but to my friends I'm 110%. HAHAHAAH!!

80% ang nakuha mo, ateng!

Pwede na. Pero kung bakla ka, either closeta ka o kulang ka sa sense of humor. Loosen up, ate. Life is short.

Gay Lingo Fun Quiz
Take More Quizzes

Mutual Admiration Club

2008-10-28T17:17:00.009+08:00

I tell you my friends, it's sick, so sick that Atche and I seem to have formed this Mutual Admiration Club out of our countless cam-whoring moments with each other. Armed with anything that has a lens, we tend to take photos of ourselves until we both get the shot we want (see below).

Photo Taken by Vicky

Photo Taken by Noel

So earlier, we started taling over YM and here's how our conversation went. Try and pee before you read this, we wouldn't want any accidents while you're laughing your ass off. =))

Read on...

malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:03:11 PM): nakita mo na yung mga pics natin? Infernezzzz may magaganda!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:04:29 PM): yeah!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:04:34 PM): madaming magaganda actually
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:04:40 PM): i soooooo LOVE MY new LENSSSS!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:04:45 PM): may isa ka nga dun na parang GQ lemeng
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:04:46 PM): hihihihi
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:04:51 PM): WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:04:59 PM): teka lang i'm updating my HTC software
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:04:59 PM): hahaha
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:05:03 PM): hahahah
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:05:03 PM): mamaya kakareer ako nyan
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:05:04 PM): pota
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:05:05 PM): HAHAHAHAHA!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:06:43 PM): heto ba yung picture na yun?
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:06:45 PM): HAHAHAHAHA
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:06:57 PM): ang gwapo ko as in!!! i wanna have sex with myself!!!! BWAHAHAHAAH!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:06:59 PM): my gosh!!! Great minds think alike!!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:07:02 PM): MISMO!!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:07:05 PM): hahahahhaa
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:07:13 PM): ano pa vehhhh!!! HAHAHHAH!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:07:16 PM): so sasamahan na rin kita sa Cityhall para pakasalan ang sarili mo????
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:07:25 PM): kase three months ago sinamahan moko eh
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:07:31 PM): when I got married to myself
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:07:32 PM): BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:07:33 PM): hahahahaahahahah
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:08:58 PM): inggitera si bakla! nagpalit din ng avatar!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:09:24 PM): BWAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:09:27 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!! LAVINIA!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:09:29 PM): eto malala
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:09:31 PM): Korak!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:09:45 PM): nagsend na ako ng message sa friend ko... sabi ko sis tingnan mo avatar ko... ang gwapo ko!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:09:47 PM): BWAHAHAAHH!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:09:50 PM): hahahahaahahhahahahaha
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:09:55 PM): hayup!!!! animalll!!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:10:02 PM): sakit na ito che!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:10:04 PM): sakit na!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:10:06 PM): BWAHAHAAHAH!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:10:14 PM): Anupangaveh???
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:10:19 PM): shaarrrrr
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:10:26 PM): i wanna photoshooooooot
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:10:31 PM): i wanna, i wanna!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:10:32 PM): me tooo!!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:10:36 PM): tara na!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:10:37 PM): hahahaha
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:10:42 PM): habang payat pa akey!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:10:46 PM): DALI DALI!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:10:50 PM): sa bahay mo!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:10:52 PM): WAHAHAHAHAAH!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:10:58 PM): maliot dun eh!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:11:00 PM): alam ko na!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:11:04 PM): Sa pool!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:11:09 PM): KERI KERI KERI!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:11:18 PM): AS IN... pero kailangan may araw pa
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:11:20 PM): paano yan?
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:11:24 PM): halfday tayo sa friday
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:11:26 PM): HAHAHAHAH!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:11:30 PM): hahahahahahaahahah
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:11:39 PM): HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:11:46 PM): eh daming tao lagi don di ba?
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:13:11 PM): ang taray talaga ng mga pics natin!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:13:15 PM): OO NGA!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:13:18 PM): shet, gawa tayo ng portfolio nating dalawa
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:13:22 PM): SET CARD!!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:13:22 PM): di ko lang maupload sa blog ko ang animal
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:13:24 PM): WAHHHH!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:13:25 PM): hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:13:32 PM): BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHH!!!! IBANG LEBELLLLL!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:13:39 PM): Set Card na dalawang TAO!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:13:42 PM): BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:13:48 PM): Tapos tatawagin nating THE ATCHES MODELLING AGENCY
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:13:57 PM): tapos tayomg dalawa lang ang agents and models
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:14:00 PM): wala ng iba!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:14:06 PM): Tapos magpalit lang tayo, i give you mine, give me yours
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:14:09 PM): BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:14:21 PM): naririnig ko dito tawa mo!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:14:23 PM): hahahahahahahahahaah
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:14:24 PM): and photographer na din!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:14:30 PM): SA IYO DIN EH!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:14:34 PM): BAHAHAHAHA!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:14:39 PM): Gawa tayo ng set card, bilis!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:14:52 PM): tapos para tipid, VBOX na lang magprint!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:14:55 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:15:08 PM): tapos, pag may event ang V at QN, i-email natin yung setcard natin kay PS and JR para kunin tayong models. BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH.
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:15:09 PM): ang taray, gamitin talaga ng resources sa office!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:15:10 PM): HAHAHAHAHA!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:15:36 PM): tapos ang ramp, yung magmomodel tayo ng bwakanangshet na relo at kwintas nila
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:15:37 PM): HAHAHHAH!!!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:15:42 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:15:51 PM): Sakit na to!!! Sakit na malala!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:15:55 PM): MALALA NA!!!!
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:16:12 PM): kahit sa Mandaluyong di na tayo tatanggapin
NôëL (10/28/2008 4:16:14 PM): hahaha!
malaswa ako (10/28/2008 4:16:17 PM): hahahahaha

Oh, did I mention that we took over 140 pictures earlier in the span of 40 minutes during our "lunch break?" And we're going out tonight so, there's more to come. Visit my multiply site soon. I'll post it ASAP. :)

And friends, watch out for our SET CARDS to be out soon. HIHIHIHI! Hayyylurrvit!

Lovefool

2008-10-26T12:26:00.002+08:00

I've played that game and remember the rules.
Few times I've won and celebrated victory.
Yet often I lost but learned the lessons in defeat,
Became wiser on the riddles that you've shown.

I won't be fooled and tricked into believing your were true.
Your eyes, they deceive you.
It tells me what lies your mouth utters,
And how cold your touch feels on my skin.

I've walked this path and chose to turn the other way.
It's been too long, too far, too late.
I know you're capable of breaking hearts and only to forget.
That smile, that kiss, that embrace, it's all too familiar.

Stay away, I do not want you hovering like a cloud above my head.
I've been through this i remember how it felt
It tricks you to believing there's more than what you could expect.
I know the rules, I've played this game before, remember?

Life's Facts by Bob Ong

2008-10-21T13:14:00.003+08:00

I started reading his books a couple of years ago and ever since, finishing Alamat ng Gubat, I fell in love with his humor, wit, writing skills and everything else in between.

These are some of the facts of life that Bob Ong wrote on his books. Read on and see why he really does make a lot of sense.

PAG-IBIG

"Kung hindi mo mahal and isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya.."

"Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pag tinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang, hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon."

"Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

"Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

"Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

"Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

"Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

"Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo... Dapat lumandi ka din."

"Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

"Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

"Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di
mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

"Bakit ba ayaw matulog ng mga bata sa tanghali? alam ba nilang pag natuto
silang umibig e hindi na sila makakatulog kahit gusto nila?"

"Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasamaka."

"Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

PAG-AARAL

"Mag-aral maigi. Kung titigil ka sa pag-aaral, manghihinayang ka pagtanda mo dahil hindi mo naranasan ang kakaibang ligayang dulot ng mga araw na walang pasok o suspendido ang klase o absent ang teacher. (Haaay, sarap!)."

"Nalaman kong marami palang libreng lecture sa mundo, ikaw ang gagawa ng syllabus. Maraming teacher sa labas ng eskuwelahan, desisyon mo kung kanino ka magpapaturo. Lahat tayo enrolled ngayon sa isang university, maraming subject na mahirap, pero dahil libre, ikaw ang talo kung nag-drop ka. Isa-isa tayong ga-graduate, iba't-ibang paraan. tanging diploma ay ang mga alaala ng kung ano mang tulong o pagmamahal ang iniwan natin sa mundong pinangarap nating baguhin minsan..."

"Hikayatin mo lahat ng kakilala mo na magkaroon ng kahit isa man lang paboritong libro sa buhay nila. Dahil wala nang mas kawawa pa sa mga taong literado pero hindi nagbabasa."

"dalawang dekada ka lang mag-aaral. kung 'di mo pagtityagaan, limang dekada ng kahirapan ang kapalit. sobrang lugi. kung alam lang 'yan ng mga kabataan, sa pananaw ko ehh walang gugustuhing umiwas sa eskwela."

BUHAY (IN GENERAL)

"nalaman kong hindi final exam ang passing rate ng buhay. hindi ito multiple
choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill-in-the-blanks na sinasagutan kundi essay na isinusulat araw-araw. Huhusgahan ito hindi base sa kung tama o mali ang sagot, kundi base sa kung may kabuluhan ang mga isinulat o wala. Allowed ang erasures."

"Kumain ka na ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung saan ang mga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan."

"Mangarap ka at abutin mo. Wag mong sisihin ang sira mong pamilya, palpak mong syota, pilay mong tuta, o mga lumilipad na ipis. Kung may pagkukulang sa'yo mga magulang mo, pwde kang manisi at maging rebelde. Tumigil ka sa pag-aaral, mag-asawa ka, mag-drugs ka, magpakulay ka ng buhok sa kili-kili. Sa banding huli, ikaw din ang biktima. Rebeldeng walang napatunayan at bait sa sarili."

"Tuparin ang mga pangarap. Obligasyon mo yan sa sarili mo. Kung gusto mo
mang kumain ng balde-baldeng lupa para malagay ka sa Guinness Book of World Records at maipagmalaki ng bansa natin, sige lang. Nosi balasi. wag mong pansinin ang sasabihin ng mga taong susubok humarang sa'yo. Kung hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon, hindi pa rin tayo dapat nakatira sa jupiter ngayon. Pero hindi pa rin naman talaga tayo nakatira sa jupiter dahil nga hindi nagsumikap ang mga scientist noon. Kita mo yung moral lesson?"

"Nalaman kong habang lumalaki ka, maraming beses kang madadapa. Bumangon ka man ulit o hindi, magpapatuloy ang buhay, iikot ang mundo, at mauubos ang oras."

HALO-HALO

"Wag magmadali sa pag-aasawa. Tatlo, lima , sampung taon sa hinaharap, mag-iiba pa ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong di pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang sa kaboses niya si Debbie Gibson o magaling mag-breakdance. Totoong mas importante ang kalooban ng tao higit anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka."

"ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko."

"hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?"

"hindi dahil sa hindi mo naiintindihan ang isang bagay ay kasinungalingan na ito. at hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan. "

"Sabi nila, sa kahit ano raw problema, isang tao lang ang makakatulong
sa'yo - ang sarili mo. Tama sila. Isinuplong ako ng sarili ko. Kaya siguro
namigay ng konsyensya ang Diyos, alam niyang hindi sa lahat ng oras e gumagana
ang utak ng tao."

"Obligasyon kong maglayag, karapatan kong pumunta sa kung saan ko gusto, responsibilidad ko ang buhay ko."

"Masama akong tao, tulad mo, sa parehong paraan na mabuti kang tao, tulad ko."

"Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala."

"iba ang walang ginagawa sa gumagawa ng wala."

"iba ang informal gramar sa mali!!!"

" Para san ba ang cellphone na may camera? Kung kailangan sa buhay un, dapat matagal na kong patay."

These are his book covers.... My favorite: ABNKKBSNPLAKo?!

Blabs 1.03

2008-10-16T11:41:00.002+08:00

I need coffee... seriously. This dang hangover s*cks! #$!!~@#&*

Top 10 Romantic Pick Up Lines

2008-10-15T15:29:00.005+08:00

Reposted from: Advice... with Dr. Julia Chicken

Came across this on my blog hopping and I think it's simply funny and wanted to share.

I think these just might be the best pick up lines around!

Top 10 Romantic Pick Up Lines

1. Hello, my name is Ingo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to... hey, you don’t have six fingers on your right hand. I’m also not seeing a ring on your left hand.

2. I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So, I’m going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

3. Hello, I'm doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines. Would you choose 'Do you come here often?', 'What's your sign?', or 'Hello, I'm doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines'?

4. Your good looks don't intimidate me. (Walk away)

5. I can tell by the way you're ignoring me that I fascinate you.

6. You know when our children say, "Daddy, how did you meet mommy?" I'm gonna have to tell them how difficult you were being.

7. Are you Natasha, my contact?

8. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
(You really have to be good to pull this one off – but I like it!)

9. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

10. Do you come here often? No? Then I better work fast.

It takes skill to use even the best pick up lines. And that skill lies in just being you. Keep it real! If you’re funny, fine. If you’re not, you’re not, so don’t try!

If she likes you, whatever you say will sound like the most romantic pick up line she’s ever heard!

Mr. Fu, I Heart 'Chu!

2008-10-15T12:43:00.007+08:00

Ever wonder why whenever you ride a cab in any part of Manila (or possibly the Philippines) that there's only one radio station you often hear?

ENNERRRGYYY FM! Kailangan pa ba i-memorizzzze yannnn?!

And because I ride the cab almost every single day, I can't help but notice this.

"Radio in the taxi's Mr. Fu! Mehh GANON?!"

"Yan din pinapakinggan namin!!!" (Notice the excitement with 3 exclamation marks in Atche's text)

"Tangna! Requirement ba sa taxi ang station na ito? Bwahahahahah!"

"Namanchhhhhhhh!"

That's how Vicky and I ended the night, talking about Mr. Fu and the unbelievably addicting radio station. Ooops, my night didn't quite end that way pala! *WINK* Hihihi!

Anyway, just last week while I was on leave, I was watching this show at QTV 11 "Ang PINAKA (The Most)" hosted by the 'energetic' Rovilson Fernandez and the topic was 10 Ways To Be more Pa-Sosyal (social). And may I just add, that I wasn't the least interested on watching it because I thought Rovilson hosted like crapppp! In fact, I find the show absurd. That's just me, you're entitled to your own opinion.

Anyyyyyway, I was about to change channels when I saw Mr. Fu being interviewed so I stayed on watching. This was the first time I saw him and it was nice to put a face on a voice you often hear. Surprisingly, he was pretty cute though too gay for my taste. (MEEHHH GANON?!!?) I find him hilarious especially when he comments about his callers and texters.

Last night he was reading an SMS from one of his listeners who were complaining about her relationship going amok. All they do nowadays was fight and make-up, fight and make-up and fight and make-up… sounds very, very familiar. I'm hoping that girl wasn't someone I now or she'd probably get an earful from me. HA-HA!

So Mr. Fu started commenting about it which goes like...

"Hay nako! Itapon nyo na sa buzzzura ang relasyon ninyo dahil wala itong kwenta! Mehhh ganon!? Ang dami-daming problemmma sa mundo para pagaksayahan ko kayo ng panahon. CHAROT! Mehhh ganon?! Blahhhh, blahhh, blahhh" (Translation: You're relationship's the least of my problems. You should throw your relationship to the garbage bin, where it belongs. There's a lot more problems in the world to worry about than that! Blah...blah..blah!)

And note that he inserts "Mehh ganon??!" at the end of each sentence. Not to mention, he sounds gay as hell. HA-HA-HA!

Truth be told, I may want to hook up with Mr. Fu to actually find out if he really says "Mehh ganon?! all the time, though I'm hoping not during sex. Could you imagine, while doing it he says that. Irritating, right? HAHAHAH!

So if this blog reaches you Mr. Fu, let's have coffee at bulabugin mo ang universe kohhh!

picture grabbed at his friendster

Gay, Gay-er, Gay-est

2008-10-13T14:49:00.008+08:00

I started chatting at MiRC a long time ago and met a lot of great friends there. (Aimee, BabyJudge, Gadjo, Diesel, Mikaela, etc...) It was fun and we would usually hang out every Saturday at Starbucks Robinsons Malate and head for the notorious streets of Malate, Nakpil cor Maria Orosa to get crazy drunk and dance the night away. We even had a name, The Saturday Night Group. (Ok, you can stop laughing now.) Such were the days of being young and foolish.

But my chatting days were long over until I discovered this nifty MiRC version in Firefox, an add-on called ChatZilla. So now, every time I get bored at the office, I do a little chatting. Tee-hee!

So, I was chatting at ChatZilla a few days ago and I went inside the #bi-manila chat room. And what was supposed to be an innocent passing of time turned out to be an obsession of sorts on the colorful world of pretentious dinggerts!

Number 1: GAY

tripQCNoW> qc anyone?? got place here for some hot stuff... no efems or chubs... asti tripers r welcum for same, hav me priv8 tsong...

Yes, you read it right it was TSONG! And as if the term wasn't bad enough being on a gay chat room using BRO, TSONG, PARE, TOL, DUDE, he adds insult to injury by typing in a SMS/TEXT format. I mean, WTF! I assume because he can chat in the first place that 1. he's using a computer, no matter how Jurassic it may be and 2. that he isn't using his mobile phone. So why the HELL is he typing in abbreviated SMS/TEXT form? I just don't get it! I mean, I literally had a difficult time trying to decipher what this person's ad meant? Can you?

...asti tripers r welcum for same, hav me priv8 tsong...

WTF! I mean HUUUWWHHHAAATTT THE F*CK?! (HAHAHAHAH! Sorry a momentary lapse right there, can't help it. It's so damn funny)

I don't know if I should be extremely pissed or pity the person.

I mean, guys, mga KU-MARE, we all know why you're chatting on that room. It's called bi-manila for goodness sake. And for the benefit of non-chatters out there stands for bisexual manila, which in my opinion should be changed to "gay-manila" because I doubt if there still exists bisexuals in this day and age.

NEWSFLASH: If you s*ck C*CK or have been eaten alive at some point in your life, YOU'RE GAY! And even if you've screwed a million girls but enjoyed the one-time-big-time deal with another guy then YOU ARE QUEER! So stop pretending you're not! Note, I said IF you enjoyed it.

Now, if you were raped or some parlorista got you good then I guess I can let you off the hook. But as a general rule, if 'it' stands for another guy then you should re-evaluate your sexual preference, even if, you're being paid just to lay there.

Number 2: GAY-ER

str8_trpr> 23 mnila...DISCREET GOODLOOKING 4 same...CAM2CAM(face2face) sa YM now....BTW I DONT SHOW myself 1st sa WEBCAM but SURE TRADER if u r really discreet goodlooking..CAM2CAM(face2face) sa YM now

Simple. Look at his nick: "str8_trpr" (Straight tripper)

If you're tripping then by all means do as you like but to add that you're straight but chatting at Bi-Manila. HAHAHAHA!!! (--and one more) Who the HELL are you kidding? THINK mare, THINK!

Number 3: GAY-EST

hot_stuff> FREE EMBASSY GUESTLIST AND WILL S*CK YOUR C*CK FOR FREE -- 0920907****

WTF! Now THAT'S an ad! Never seen this one so I thought it was very much worth mentioning. 'Nuf said. (P.S. No, I didn't save the number.)

-0-

I remember when chatting using MiRC was a convenient way to meet more friends and even to a certain extent find a possible lover. What in G*D's name happened? 4, 5, 6 years ago? When did it become a cesspool for sex eyeballs and bastardization of one’s true self?

I guess with the advancement of technology the more people neglect true knowledge. Ironic, isn't it? How some gay guys stooped so low to reach that note?

Effing sad.

PEACE!

Now, people... CARRY ON, CARRY ON -- BACK to work!

Confessions Of A Complicated Love-A-Holic

2008-10-12T18:59:00.004+08:00

Yes, I am a complicated person.

As someone once told me, people can easily fall in love with me but it would take a greater amount of effort to keep on doing so. And yet, as I recently found out, there are still quite a number of people who are very much willing to take the risk and go the extra mile, which I find very comforting.

But what really makes me complicated? Let me give you a quick rundown so please indulge me a little. Anyway, you always have the option to close this window if you find this, for a lack of better term, “uninteresting for your taste”.

I easily fall in love if I’m extremely attracted to someone. I tend to overlook a lot of standards, which causes me (more often than not) tragic heartaches. Basically, that list I came up with a long time ago of people my ‘type’ goes out the window. AND YET, when I’m NOT attracted to someone, I don’t have the guts to tell him off. I usually wait for their interest to wither away. Good or bad? You tell me.

I can get ‘clingy’ to a fault. I tend to be possessive, ridiculously jealous, unbelievably paranoid and demanding. I would want to find someone to that I would go gaga over with and vice versa. I want to go crazy loving that person and not even think about anything else, at least for the first few months. Let’s deal with talking about the future of the relationship when we actually get there.

I am emotional. Very! I rarely fight with my partner and whenever I do I usually end up saying things that I would later on regret. And when he fights back, I cry. Just cry. I can be pissed one moment for certain things he does or does not do and then be utterly sweet the next. Yeah, call me crazy but that’s just who I am.

I have a lot of pet peeves. I hate waiting, people who don’t value time. I hate being late. I hate liars, addicts, nonchalance, and arrogance. I hate inconsiderate people. I hate fashion faux pas. I hate reckless drivers. I hate taxi drivers who scam. I hate tax. I hate corrupt politicians who pretend to care. I hate squatters. I hate people who don’t do their job well and yet pretend they’re overworked. I hate most of my colleagues. I hate bastards and jerks who woo you to believe they’re “the one.” I hate pretensions. I hate lousy service. I hate people who take too long to order in a fast food. I hate people who comment on things they know nothing about. I hate crowded bars. I hate people who have no regard for other people’s feelings. I hate pasosyal and maarte bitches. I hate pa-cool guys. I hate eating alone in a restaurant; it makes me feel like a loser. From escalators that don’t work to stupid people whose stupidity isn’t funny, the list goes on.

I am a self-proclaimed hopeless-romantic. I dream of romantic dates by the beach or a picnic in a garden that would blow my mind away, but I’ve become jaded recently. There are a lot of “great almosts” out there. I still believe in happy ever after though. I believe that happiness is a series of correct choices. I want someone who would understand me even if I talk in circles that make no sense. I love holding hands under the table and little things that would make me remember, like a particular scent or a remarkable moment. I love surprises. I love little trinkets of appreciation. I love long talks and long walks. I love a great conversation. I love magic on the first meeting. I love intimacy and passion. I love sex. I love being in love.

I am picky. I am very particular from my clothes, my food, my coffee, to my friends and dates.

I am eclectic when it comes to listening to music. I have almost 6000 songs in my iPod from Opera to jologs OPM… and still growing.

I love trivia and discovering new things. I am willing to try anything once. I hate clichés.

In this cynical world we live in, we can only dream of the day when we meet one person that can turn out more than you expect. I am turning 27 and all I ask is to care and love someone until then of my days. But I guess nowadays, it’s much, much harder to find.

The significant other that’s as much complicated as I am and won’t mind going that extra mile to make it work.

Thoughts On Dating

2008-10-05T15:23:00.005+08:00

My friends would always say that I'm such a good catch. But recently, I'm finding that harder and harder to believe (only because recent dates seem to be proving to me otherwise). Sometimes, I can't help but think if there's really something wrong with me or has all the good men (gay or straight) become really that hard to find?

In our never-ending search for happiness, we date and date to try our luck on this game. And while we try to make a good first impression, there are really times when there's just no connection. So what does it take to make not just a good first impression but to make a lasting one?

When you meet a person for the first time in a date, there are certain rules that you follow. Here’s mine:

1. Prepare for your date but don't be over the top. Find out where you're going and dress appropriately. Don't wear an evening gown or a tux if you're just going for coffee or a movie. You don't want to intimidate the other person that much. Be comfortable on what you're wearing. Feeling good on what you're wearing always gives you more confidence.

2. Good Manners are always a must. Remember the things you were taught in school, Good Manners and Right Conduct. Don't curse or say inappropriate words and remember to say 'please' and 'thank you'. Nothing beats an educated person. After all, no one wants to hear the word SH*T or F*CK in every other sentence.

3. Talk about things you may have in common. Find that connection and start a nice conversation. Never talk about your EX's. No one wants to hear about it. That's why they are called, EX's -- they should remain just that. Don't talk about work; it's not a job interview.

4. Be confident (but don't overdo it). Over-confidence can be misunderstood as arrogance. If you're too shy, then try to open up a little. Don't clam up. Loosen up a bit.

5. Don't talk too much. Learn to listen and don't talk about yourself as if you want to reveal everything in one blow. Keep a little mystery. And don't ask too many questions. Especially inappropriate ones like, "What's your favorite position in bed?" Reserve that for the the 5th, 6th, or 10th date… if you get that far.

6. Be honest. No one likes a liar.

7. If you don't see the date to be going anywhere, have the courage to say so. Don't just stay there and endure the torture but if you can then at least let the date finish and be on your separate ways. Try your luck on the next one.

8. Keep the friendship. Don't feel bad if one did not like the other. It happens. You don't expect everyone to have the same feelings, right? So if you don't like the person or that person doesn't like you, remain friends. She/he might have another friend she/he could refer to you. Keep your network open.

9. Don't assume. Don't play the guessing game. Most likely, if there's a connection you don't even have to ask if the fondness is mutual. You'll go out again for sure.

10. Don't end on a bad note. Make sure you thank the other person for the company and the time. You did make an effort for this date after all.

Mind you, I do not claim to be an expert on dating. These are taken from my experiences and you're welcomed to share your own little DO's and DON'Ts on the matter. I've had my fair share of mishaps on dating. Stories you'd probably die laughing when you hear. But let me reserve that on future blog entries.

A date is an opportunity for you to meet someone. Meeting a person that could be your future lover, husband/wife, partner, or even friend, it doesn’t have to be too complicated. Remember, it's just another person you're meeting, so don't pressure yourself if it doesn't work. Throw back the fish and let's catch some more. Sooner or later, you might just end up catching the biggest fish at sea.

Another Break-Up Story

2008-09-28T20:38:00.004+08:00

It was late in the afternoon and she was busy working on a report that her boss had earlier asked. "I know you're busy, but I just wanted to say I love you," she said over YM. He didn't reply after a few minutes and he said, "I've been thinking about us, about myself, about our relationship."

There was something definitely off about that statement, she thought. She felt like there was suddenly a cloud above her head and she became nervous.

"What exactly do you mean?" she asked.

"I think I need some space from this relationship," he wrote. "I don't want to be unfair to you and I know I cannot give you my 100% time. I just want to be honest about what I'm feeling and I thought you should know now."

She was speechless and it took about a minute or so for her to reply. She took a deep breath and replied, "So, are you breaking-up with me?"

"No..." he quickly replied. "I just need some space. I mean, I know I cannot give you my everything and I don't want to go into a relationship if I can't give my all. It's not you, it's me"

Oh no! He used the eternal break-up line. What a load of BULL, she thought. Where is this guy's originality? And as if this wasn't bad enough, he followed it up with; "I'll call you later. I don't want to talk about this here." WTF! He just started the whole thing here and suddenly he doesn't want to talk. This guy better grow some balls. At this point, she was so angry at herself for allowing this guy to have the power to make her feel bad. It was just 2 weeks. And just a week ago he was saying all sorts of romantic blah-blahs. "I'll take care of you," he said. I won't hurt you and I want this to work." And then suddenly this! What does this guy think, that she's an idiot born yesterday?

She felt so bad that she quickly logged off. She didn't even want to know what other crap this guy was about to throw at her. All she knew was she needed a cigarette…and most probably vodka.

-0-

"Another Red Horse and keep it coming," she said to the waiter while lighting another cigarette. It was her 3rd bottle and she was feeling woozy but she figured being tipsy was better than feeling shitty. She was angry not at him but at herself. She kept thinking if it was somehow her fault. In her mind, she went back and forth on the weeks that had passed. Thinking if there's anything she could have done differently.

Her mobile phone suddenly rang and it was he. She contemplated for a second if she would answer. "Hello," she said as cold as possible. He talked and she listened. It was the same load of SH*T he had already said over YM.

"You can be angry at me. You have the right to hate me," he said. "Damn right I should," she thought. But she didn't. She couldn't. More than anger, she was extremely hurt. She couldn't understand why this is happening to her all over again. Has she really fallen into this trap. He went on trying to explain why he came to that conclusion. And every word that he was saying seemed as insincere as with all his previous promises. He didn't even sound hurt. He sounded as if it was just another deal he needed to close. She decided to end the call before she threw her phone. The temptation of doing so was too great to resist if she kept on listening to his voice.

-0-

She woke up the next day with a huge migraine. She couldn't figure out if it was because of the 6 Red Horse or because she cried herself to sleep. Perhaps, it was both. She tried to get out of bed to get some breakfast. It was 8:30 in the morning. She had hoped that she would wake up later than that but she couldn't go back to bed.

The day went by and she needed to drink again. She needed to wake up for her coma-like day. She started sms-ing all her friends to find out who can join her.

After dinner, she quickly dressed and went to a friend’s house to drink the night away. She knew that this was just another temporary solution to what she was still feeling. But she needed it. She needed to be surrounded by friends and try to have a good time. She went back home 4 in the morning, wasted. But at least she had a great time.

-0-

She wrote to try and confront the pain. She will be better again soon. She has been in worse situations before. This was nothing compared to that. But still, it hurts. She doesn't know when her pain will go away but at least she's trying. Trying to forget about this nightmare. As for him, she wishes him well. She hopes not that he will come to his senses and go back to her. No, she didn't want that because she knew it would not happen. And if ever by the slimmest chance that it does, she doesn't know if she'll even have the heart to take him back. It was over. She knew that. Enough grieving. No more drama. She hopes that someday, when he meets another guy, it won't be like this. She had learned her lesson. Time to move on.

He was right, IT WAS NOT ME, IT'S YOU!

The Five Fast Facts Tag... Love, Live, Laugh, Let Go and Learn.

2008-09-15T14:23:00.005+08:00

Ten Years Ago: My Sweet (or should I say Not-So-Sweet) Sixteen. It was the first time I found out my heart's capacity to love. And the trigger, called Vincent. We met at Giraffe. A popular hang-out that catered to both sexuality (gay and straight). Then situated in 6750 Ayala, it had a variety of people, from the young club goer to the oldies that needed a quick lay. It was here dancing to the tune of "I'm Honry all night long..." and "If you could read my mind..." when I fell madly in-love. Next thing I knew, we were holding hands, slow-dancing to the the club beat. It was also this year that I found out that the wonders of love and being in a relationship, no matter how grand, SUCKED big time when it was time to break up. Not to mention, it caused me temporary insanity. I vowed never again. Or at least not until the next virus comes along. Exactly a month later, TA-DA!

Five Years Ago: 21. The guys' official debut. This was when a boy turned into a 'man.' Or in my case, HURRAAHH to the gay guy within. This was the year I got into a life-changing accident. I was robbed and stabbed along the streets of P. Tuazon in Cubao. Long-story. For more than a month, I could not even go out of the house. I was too scared to even see other people apart from my own family. And even with them, I was shaky. It was a tough year and it took me months to recover from this ordeal. This was also the year my 2 year partner and I broke up when I caught him cheating. In a nutshell, a year I'm willing to forget.

One Year Ago: Wiley. 'Truly-madly-deeply', insanely involved. Love-life, turned kaput in a month. Career on the other hand was going pretty well. Traveling a whole lot and was promised a promotion. And with this I learned a lot. I learned to accept things as they are and not try and change things or people. As they say, only seasons change NOT people. You simply close your eyes and hope that tomorrow the sun will shine a little brighter.

One month ago: I was in Malaysia. I met 43 and 23. I'm still single now, so I'll let you do the math. :) Also bought a new toy: my Nikon d60. 1000 over pictures in a week. A good buy for me. It sparked my long-sleeping passion for photography.

Five Snacks: I'm a junk food junkie. (Though I try to eat healthy from time to time WINK!)
1. Mr. Chips (sometimes I even dip it into Cheese Wiz, YUM!)
2. Piatos (Cheese and Sour Cream)
3. Pringles (Sour Cream)
4. Fried Bananas and Kamote
5. Chocolates

Five Songs I Know All the Words To: Tough one. I usually know the lyrics to the song when I hear the melody. But these, I think I know even without hearing it.
1. Ghost by Indigo Girls
2. Ikaw Sana by Ogie Alcasid
3. Somewhere Down The Road by Barry Manilow
4. Better Days by Dianne Reeves
5. Part Of Your World by Ariel (Little Mermaid) --- HAHAHAHAH!!!

Five Things I Would Do With $100 Million:
1. Buy a house in Paris and live there
2. Give 10 Million (or a certain amount) to the HIV (AIDS) research
3. Get a house for my parents where they could live the rest of their remaining lives comfortably.
4. Give a certain amount to my siblings.
5. Create a huge CD and DVD collection

Five Places to Run Away To: (I'm guessing actual places...)
1. Boracay (or any nice beach)
2. Paris
3. Any Starbucks (or nice coffee shop)
4. Ibiza
5. My future boyfriends' house. (tee-hihihi!)

Five Things I Would Never Wear:
1. A Wedding Gown (for obvious reasons)
2. An umbrella hat/cap that are sold by vendors on the street
3. A toupee. I'd rather shave everything off
4. Panties (for whatever reason)
5. A Prince Albert (or any accessory 'down there')

Five Favorite TV Shows: I'm a couch potato. Great combo for being a junk food junkie too. HEHEHE!
1. Charmed
2. Sex and the City
3. Tropang Turumpo
4. Grey's Anatomy (Season 1)
5. America's Next Top Model (only because I love looking at the pictures of the models after the shoot)

Five Greatest Joys:
1. Being in-love - for the people who know me, this is a pretty obvious choice.
2. Hanging out with friends
3. Cuddling and spooning
4. Having coffee on a rainy/cold day (or having beer on a beach in summer)
5. Helping people - seriously! Simple good deeds, no matter how small gives me joy. (Though I can be a bitch too! If needed.)

Five Favorite Toys:
1. Family Computer - this was the one invention that caused the social intolerance of kids today.
2. Jackstones / Pick-up sticks - yeah, it's so Gay, but I loved it!
3. Marbles
4. iPOD
5. Playing Cards

Done my part, shout-out to my bestfriend, Nat... your turn!

Superficial

2008-08-31T19:09:00.003+08:00

"I want someone who I'm attracted to physically and have a connection with emotionally. Is that such a crime?" I said with such vigor.

He was starting to piss me off. I guess I was upset because he kept calling me superficial. Maybe I am, but aren’t we all?

Would Cinderella have been attracted to Prince Charming if he looked like Shrek? The only reason Fiona eventually got hitched with him was because she turned out to be an ogre too. Even Bell (Beauty) was not attracted to Beast instantly right? Lucky for her Beast turned out to be handsome at the end. Would she have been fascinated with him if he remained the Beast? Maybe so, but like all fairytales, it ended on a happy note. Go figure.

So why would it make you superficial to find an attractive partner? Or at least someone you’re attracted to initially. I want that! We all do, whether we would like to admit it or not.

Yes, you may find beauty beneath the ugly but would you consider even dating ‘ugly’ if you’re not the least bit attracted on a certain level?

Cue song: Humanap ka ng panget at ibigin mong tunay… (‘wag na uyyy, wag na, wag na)

Ok, so everyone deserves a chance to find love too and while physical appearance may not matter to some, it does matter to most. We all live in very cynical world and having certain preferences doesn’t make us lesser people. We’re just specific.

Tall, dark, and handsome.
Fair, cute, and small.
Chubbies,
Leans, medium builts, or muscle sculpted.
Adonis/Athena-like features.
Short haired or long.
Clean or mullet cut.
Smooth or hairy.

Preferences, we all have them.

But more often that not the ideal physical look that we want to find in a partner, they do not have.

That’s why it’s called preference, not requirements. It’s nice to have but not a prerequisite.

At the end of the day, you just want someone to connect with. You want to meet someone that would make your life a little more meaningful. It’s an additional reason for you to wake up each morning and just be happy. A person that when you meet, you hear bells, chimes, Angels singing Hallelujah or even Bocelli. Not a big gong or a voice saying “Run AWAY quick!”

Searching it on the omniscient Wikipedia I found these results.

Superficial is a general term meaning "regarding the surface", often metaphorically. Both in the literal as in the metaphorical sense the term has often a negative connotation based on the idea that deeper parts are also important to consider.

Now tell me, is it such a crime?

Stolen

2008-08-19T10:03:00.003+08:00

What an unlucky day it was for me.
My entire bag was stolen last Sunday, Aug 17, 2008.

Laptop (office issued), my PSP, my external HD, my Sony Cybershot T200 Digital Cam, my iPod, and a lot of little precious things.

I hate it. It still brings tears to my eyes everytime I remember it. Not so much of the things but the memories that I have locked in my laptop and external HD. Specifically, 9,000 ++ songs and 14,000++ pictures. WTF!!!!

11:30PM Gen. Malvar cor J. Bocobo. In a taxi.

ARRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I still try and count my blessings. At least, I wasn't harmed. At least it wasn't the new dSLR I bought. I've been aching to buy an iPod Classic anyway. PSP kept me away from reading books, but now I got into reading again. Songs, I can always recover somehow. Pictures, Thank God for Multiply.

It's a pain to lose your things but it's even more painful to hear the nagging and disappointment from my mother's voice. :( Sigh!

I need a hug!

Somebody to Loooooove....

2008-08-13T20:42:00.009+08:00

I remember it was a cold night. The rain just stopped and left puddles of water on the busy road. It was pretty late and people were rushing home. I decided to stop a local coffee shop to just think. Think about life and love and why it's seems to be so elusive for me.

For as long as I can remember this was the only topic I always write about, love. I've had my fair share (of it) so I guess that would about qualify me to share my stories.

Recent events (and by events I mean dates) in my life had left me to believe that I may never be one of those people who finds their happy ending. At 26, I feel jaded about the entire thing but I do try to remain hopeful. Wishing that someday I'd get to meet one person who'd make my life seem less important.

Everyday I awoke and went with my usual routine. Roll out my bed, dragged myself to the toilet. I bathed, towelled myself dry, shaved, brushed my teeth (twice), and put on my clothes. I went down the stairs, grabbed something to eat and headed out to another day of singlehood.

I don't know why I'm so bothered by the fact that I'm single. Perhaps because I never got used to it.

I started having a relationship when I was 15 and after countless of relationships, which included, liars, nymphomaniacs, addicts, deranged, players, puppy loves, older men, younger men, men my age, and everything else in between.

I enjoyed my first couple of months being single but now, this self-proclaimed love monkey is just going bananas.

Every night seemed colder than the last. The rain kept pouring. People still went their way and I sat there and watched. I wondered if out of the billions and billions of people in this planet, why was I still alone when love seemed to be everywhere.

***Photo taken from Magekin at Deviant Art: http://magekin.deviantart.com/art/Left-In-A-Corner-86372058